On Life

History, Present and Future is our God's

2007-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

HISTORY FORGOTTEN

This is worth remembering, because it is true. It's familiar territory,
but those of you that graduated from school after the early 60's were
probably never taught this. Our courts have seen to that!

Did you know that 52 of the 55 signers of "The Declaration of
Independence" were orthodox, deeply committed, Christians?
That they all believed in the Bible as the divine truth, the God of
scripture, and His personal intervention. It is the same Congress that
formed the American Bible Society, immediately after creating the
Declaration of Independence, the Continental Congress voted to purchase
and import 20,000 copies of Scripture for the people of this nation.

Patrick Henry, who is called the firebrand of the American Revolution,
is still remembered for his words, "Give me liberty or give me death";
but in current textbooks, the context of these words is omitted. Here is what he actually said: "An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that
presides over the destinies of nations. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

These sentences have been erased from our textbooks. Was Patrick Henry
a Christian? The following year, 1776, he wrote this: "It cannot be
emphasized too strongly or too often that this great Nation was founded not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of
Jesus Christ. For that reason alone, people of other faiths have been
afforded freedom of worship here."

Consider these words that Thomas Jefferson wrote in the front of his
well-worn Bible: "I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the
doctrines of Jesus. I have little doubt that our whole country will soon be
rallied to the unity of our creator." He was also the chairman of the
American Bible Society, which he considered his highest and most important role.

On July 4, 1821, President Adams said, "The highest glory of the
American Revolution was this: "It connected in one indissoluble bond the
principles of civil government with the principles of Christianity."

Calvin Coolidge, our 30th President of the United States reaffirmed
this truth when he wrote, "The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country."

In 1782, the United States Congress voted this resolution: "The Congress of the United States recommends and approves the Holy Bible for use in all schools."

William Holmes McGuffey is the author of the McGuffey Reader, which was used for over 100 years in our public schools with over 125 million copies sold until it was stopped in 1963. President Lincoln called him the
"Schoolmaster of the Nation."

Listen to these words of Mr. McGuffey: "The Christian religion is the
religion of our country. >From it are derived our nation, on the character
of God, on the great moral Governor of the universe. On its doctrines are
founded the peculiarities of our free Institutions. From no source has the
author drawn more conspicuously than from the sacred Scriptures. From all these extracts from the Bible, I make no apology."

Of the first 108 universities founded in America, 106 were distinctly
Christian, including the first, Harvard University, chartered in 1636.. In
the original Harvard Student Handbook, rule number 1 was that students
seeking entrance must know Latin and Greek so that they could study the
Scriptures: "Let every student be plainly instructed and earnestly pressed
to consider well, the main end of his life and studies, is, to know God and
Jesus Christ, which is eternal life, John 17:3; and therefore to lay Jesus
Christ as the only foundation for our children to follow the moral
principles of the Ten Commandments."

James Madison, the primary author of the Constitution of the United
States, said this: "We have staked the whole future of all our political
constitutions upon the capacity of each of ourselves to govern ourselves
according to the moral principles of the Ten Commandments."

Today, we are asking God to bless America. But, how can He bless a
Nation that has departed so far from Him? Prior to September 11, He was not welcome in America. Most of what you read in this article has been erased from our textbooks. Revisionists have rewritten history to remove the truth about our country's Christian roots.

This information shared is only a drop of cement to help secure a
foundation that is crumbling daily in a losing war that most of
the country doesn't even know is raging on, in, and around them...

Passion...or lack there of

2007-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

So, this is my first post in I don't know how many months. I could just flash back to my last post, but don't feel like taking the time to do that. It's been a long time, let's just say that.

Hmmmm....what to say? A lot has happened - Josh and I are no longer together. That is painful and by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Even being the one who initiated it...I don't care to ever go through it again.

I'm going to Africa again in February for two weeks. This will be my third time, and I have mixed feelings about going. Two weeks is just long enough to begin to be adjusted, to feel myself open up and my heart begin to reattach...and then I'll have to leave again. I wonder if my feelings of dislike for certain things about my own country will be as strong this time around as they were last? Probably. I'm also experiencing feelings of annoyance at the thought of such a short period of giving of myself. Something that has such a place in my heart requires more than just two weeks. It can seem so trivial, but I go with the hope that our prayers and presence will be of great encouragement to our African brothers and sisters. I'm thrilled at the opportunity to worship and pray with those who have already committed their lives to Christ. I love the picture of every tribe, tongue and nation coming together in worship and freedom and joy - being moved by God. Thrilling!!

My roommate and I just shared our second Christmas together in our apartment and if all goes as planned, we'll have one more before we move our separate ways. We got a Douglas Fir for the first time in my life, and I think I may have been converted. It is SO much easier to string lights on one of those babies than on the Nobles. Last year Em and I spent I think around two hours at least putting the lights on, not to mention the hours spent sawing off the lower branches with butter knives. Yes, we did do that. Makes for some fun memories. This year was MUCH easier. We even got to go tree viewing in the snow! And we had snow the day before Christmas Eve. Close enough for me!

I have also discovered the joy of line dancing. And I am not being in the least sarcastic. I absolutely love it! My good friend Missy Pearson and I have been faithfully going for about a month now. It's the Kitsap Kickers' Line Dance Club in Old Town Silverdale, located in the trusty Boy Scout Hall. Our fellow dancers range in age from 45 to 80. Let me tell you, it's a blast! It's a riot to see those elderly gentlemen out there pushing their tush and doing the boot scootin boogy. :) That's how I want to be when I'm old.

I've also discovered that dancing, singing and writing bring me completely alive. They are my favorite ways to express myself and when I allow myself to indulge, I feel my sorrows and cares lifted from me. I have to remember that, I haven't been indulging nearly often enough!

Ok, I'm signing off for now. Just thought I'd shoot a random post into the blogging world. I don't know if anyone even checks this anymore!

Ciao.

What Are You Hanging On To?

2006-09-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

This story made me cry this Sunday when our women's pastor read it to close the sunday school class on contentment. I have been struggling for a few years now in believing that God truly desires to bless me and give me the desires of my heart - to give me a life that will please me as well as Him. This story sliced right through to the heart of me...

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?" Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere-Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."
"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?" Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy.

And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

Jenny's father is like our heavenly Father. He also is waiting for us to give up our dime store stuff and seek Him first. So He can fling open the windows of Heaven and pour us out such a blessing that we will not have room enough to hold it.

What are you hanging on to?

I do....Again.

2006-07-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

My parents renewed their wedding vows this Saturday. I had been anticipating this day for a good month now, and knew by the tears that were coming before I had even arrived at my parents' house that it was going to be an emotional time. I got there an hour early to take pictures of my parents before the tears had a chance to smear any make-up. My mom looked beautiful - tan slacks and a nice, green shirt with simple gold jewelry. My dad had his khakis on with a casual, pale yale shirt that stirred images of luaus and Hawaiin beaches. The smiles they exchanged with each other spoke of restored hope, love and trust. As Pastor Tom led them in the ceremony, they exchanged faith statements in their marriage - "I believe in our marriage now more than ever." My mom cried while my dad grinned down at her and rubbed her hands and arms. They exchanged their gifts to each other - their rings. My mom's ring was redone and remade while keeping some of the original look - symbolizing the blend of their first beginning and this new beginning God has brought to them. My dad's ring was the same but my mom had had, "Always and Forever" engraved on the inside. I learned something about my parents' story I had never heard before - my mom couldn't afford to buy my dad a ring so she ended up buying him the ring he now wears at my grandma's antique shop a year after they were married. It's very special to my dad.

My parents served communion to everyone who was there, we prayed and the ceremony was over. It was very special to have Tom officiating the ceremony since he had been so devoted to helping my parents' marriage survive. I tried to say something - a sort of mini speech - but didn't get very far before collapsing in sobs while my mom held me. After that emotional outburst, I was ok to say what I wanted to say. Basically, thanks - from the very bottom of my heart.

My grandpa was up for the ceremony, and that was an unexpected blessing. I love my extended family so much and to have my grandpa there, when I have no idea how much longer he will be with us, meant so much to me. Especially because he was able to meet Josh. It filled me with so much joy to have Josh meet my grandpa.

The night before (Friday night), the girls from my prayer group and I took my mom out for a mini "bachelorette" party - really we just went to Hot Shots Java and had coffee together. My girls are SO wonderful and I am so blessed. Two of them brought gifts for my mom and I found myself overwhelmed with blessing. It means so much to me that my friends had prayed and ached with me, encouraged and supported me. And now they were celebrating with me and my family - and I knew it was from their hearts. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. Wow.

Ok, and now a totally different train of thought. I rowed in Whaling Days yesterday with my company and had a great time, rain and all. My shoulders, hips, back, chest and arms are all rather tight now, but it feels good. We lost two out of our three races, but had a great time. I really enjoyed being able to hang out with my co-workers on a non-business turf. Fun times had by all.

Updates

2006-07-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of wonderful updates for all of you who might stumble upon my humble blog.

Update #1: This last week was our church's summer camp for the student ministry. We were just outside Wenatchee, about 20 minutes from Cashmere. It was a wonderful week filled with fun activities such as rock climbing, river rafting and oatmeal wars and great services where the call to be "unleashed" in our walks with Christ rang out. I met some wonderful girls and developed friendships that I know will be very special for me. It was a much-needed week where I surrounded by people who love God and each other. I felt my spirit drinking it in. While I was there God reminded me of the passion my heart had once held serving Him and for being used to bring the knowledge of Him to others. He did some more tweaking and brought down more walls (they seem to be never ending) and now I feel renewed in my commitment to give of myself in His service. A renewed sense of joy in using the gifts He has given me. So, I'm starting a small group and am so stoked. The girls in my group are incredible and we have already determined a name - Pimp Fish. Yep, that's right. Pimp Fish. I told them to run with the name part since creativity in that regard is not my forte (hence the title of this blog). So, that's what they came up with. I guess there is a loose tie to the fish crackers we had for communion that night...

Update #2: My parents. They are renewing their vows this weekend and then embarking on a trip to the San Juans for five days. I love being with my parents now - there is a freedom and a release that is so tangible to me. Others may not notice it so much, but I can definitely feel it. My dad looks happy and doesn't drift into his own world nearly as much anymore. My mom looks at my dad with a contented smile on her face - sometimes it's dreamy. :) I am so filled with amazement, praise and joy at the power of my God to work this miracle. I get all giddy and want to dance and laugh when I think about it. The beauty of seeing the realization of something you have hoped and ached for for so long with seemingly no hope at times is...indescribable. I know God will take what He started and work His healing and restoration into every other area of my parents' lives. I pray for it. I am freed from my own struggles with deep grief, anger, frustration and pain. The healing and relief that I feel in my own heart probably doesn't come close to what my parents must feel. For those of you who are willing, please continue to hold my parents in prayers for continued healing, blessing, restoration and protection.

Untitled

2006-07-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

Silence.

Fear.

Panic....."Where are you, God? What's happening? I don't know about this...tell me what to do."

The echo of my words leaves me feeling empty and so alone. The only thing I hear is the sound of my own fears taunting me. "He's betrayed you. He doesn't love you. There is no hope. Life is going to be miserable - bondage."

In the stillness, the seeming truth of these words sinks into my heart and makes a home there.

Weeks, months, a year goes by - and I remain in this place of spiritual torture. With each passing day that I don't hear the Lord's voice the fears in my life become stronger until they are my constant companions and I trust them more than the God I used to love.

Depression, hopelessness and grief greet me each morning. I continue to cry out against them, "God!! Come back to me. Please....remember me. Save me and restore me."

Sometimes...sometimes a faint glimpse of the God I used to know comes into view. Sometimes a sense of peace and assurance settles in me, but it never lasts. My new "friends" are quick to remind of who God really is.

"NO!! I KNOW that God is good. I remember...I remember....I remember."

The fight is draining and I learn to just wall myself up and cling to the memories of what I had once shared with the Lord, even though they starkly clash with what I am now experiencing.

Then relief - I am home from college and living with my parents. I had made the wrong choice. Now I'm free, I can devote myself to restoring my relationship with God. With fierce determination I set myself to the task.

But there is a new fight. I am angry at God. I don't trust Him.

"YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR ME! I NEEDED YOU, I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!"

I hold my bitterness up like a brick wall five feet thick and a hundred feet high and crouch behind it. I refuse to come out. I can't, He wasn't there. He might do it again.

And then something begins to happen. Slowly, steadily, softly, relentlessly. Can it be...Love is pursuing me? Whispers of love and faithfulness reach the places of my heart that still hope. Like a person denied oxygen for far too long, my spirit sucks it in - aching with it and longing for more.

But the wall still stands. I can't believe it - I can't give in....I don't want to get hurt again. Hope is not real, I can't believe for true happiness and joy. That's not life.

But love still comes, still pursues. At unexpected moments, hope and assurance pierce the hardness in my heart and bring me to my knees in longing and pain. How I ache for it...but I can't trust it! I got too hurt!!

The voice I hear is different now. "I am constant. I am faithful. I never left you, I love you." God's splendor and majesty crash a hole in my wall, allowing more and more life to wash in and making it impossible to deny it.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." "I have hedged you in behind and before and laid my hand upon you." "I will be faithful to complete the good work I started in you." "I love you....I love you....I love you."

This is truth? Yes, THIS is truth. It hits with me with overwhelming certainty. I KNOW it, with everything that is in me. I KNOW it.

I see a new side of God I have never seen before. He is a relentless lover and pursuer of my heart. He is intentional in His demonstration of faithfulness and care toward my heart. I am speechless. How could I doubt a love such as this?

One by one the stones in my wall are blown to pieces until only a small pile remains here and there. I can't fight it anymore, I don't want to. I long for nothing more than to walk side by side with this Wild Lover, completely in step with this One who is taking such great care to renew my faith in Him.

Now, I find my heart filled with more and more joy each time I learn something more, each time I sense my relationship with Him has matured on some level, has reached a new depth.

I am more captured by Him and my heart, once filled with hopelessness and bitterness and barely alive, is awakened more and more to life and victory and assurance that I never knew before I walked through this fire.

"You were there all along, weren't You? You never left my side, never stopped loving and protecting. You are faithful, You are faithful, You are so faithful."

Victory.

Peace.

Triumph.

Battle Cry.

Joy.

I am my beloved's....and He is mine.

It's Raining Blessings

2006-06-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am feeling sheltered in peace and rest right now. Many storms that I have been weathering are showing signs of ending. My parents are renewing their vows soon and are doing very well. Josh and I have made a physical commitment to each other for purity that has renewed my love for him in a deeper way and given me an excitement and joy to be with him. My friend who now lives in Guam just emailed me about the beautiful restoration that has taken place in her marriage and how wonderful her relationship with her husband is now.

I am going camping this weekend with Josh, Danielle and Luis (and their adorable little boy, Luca). The sun is out and it's the Friday before a four-day weekend.

One of my friends, Kaliegh Ritchie, told me about a small group that meets at her house on Saturday nights for prayer and bible study. God regularly moves among them and all hearts are thirsty and expectant for God to meet with him. I've been longing to be a part of a group like that - so Josh and I are going to check it out. I went to Kaliegh's house on Wednesday and we had an incredible evening of encouraging conversation about the Lord and then half an hour of worship with her and her dad playing the guitar.

So, I'm feeling....blessed and grateful. Thank you, Lord - my most faithful friend and Father. Thank you for the ways You have carried me and shown Yourself to be so loving and merciful. I love you more than anything.

God is so good...

2006-06-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Things with my parents are FABULOUS!! I talked with my mom yesterday and she said they have taken huge strides forward and have had wonderful conversations where they have been open and vulnerable with each other. She and my dad met with our associate pastor yesterday and are meeting with him again next week, so they are going to counseling. I guess my mom got my dad a card and sprayed the envelope with her perfume and left it on his bed. He called and said that when he read he got this huge grin on his face and couldn't stop grinning when he went to bed. He just laid there with a huge grin on his face. He put the envelope on the pillow next to him while he slept. CUTE!! :) And I guess he refuses to sleep in my parents' bed while my mom isn't there - he just won't do it. I thought that was cute, too. So, I'm so thrilled and ecstatic and filled with deep gratitude and praise to God. I knew it, I knew it all along. I knew God wouldn't let this dissolve. He's so good!!! My mom said they're just about to the point where they can talk about when she will move back home. I asked her if she felt ok with that and she said she did. She has been praying that God's spirit would bear testimony with hers that it was the time...and she said she feels no checks. Augh!!! I'm so excited I could just weep with relief and joy. My parents for the first time in their entire marriage are going to have a romance. My mom said she feels like they are dating and it's hard work. I guess she thought the other day, "so this is what Josh and Stephanie are going through...no WONDER they hate dating!!" :) She said she and my dad had fallen asleep watching t.v. the other night and then she had to get up and go home. lol. It's really funny to be sharing that frustration with my mom!

Thanks to all who have been praying and offering your support - you have meant the world to me and my family. Praise God!!!! :-D

Father's Day

2006-06-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, I was dreading it. Josh and I went over to my parents' house to help out with my dad's work in the yard (that was our gift - manual labor). As we drove to the house I started feeling sick to stomach and depressed. Update for those who don't know - my dad has not been overly excited about my relationship with Josh. It has been very difficult for me and very painful. So, I wasn't too thrilled at the thought of spending an entire day around a father who was being aloof and withdrawn and a boyfriend who wants to get to know his girlfriend's dad and was feeling his own frustrations with the way things were going. We started to talk about our individual frustrations and I had to pull over because I started crying. We ended up praying together against the enemy's plans in our lives and for compassion, grace, wisdom and understanding. We prayed that God would use this hardship to bring Josh and I closer together instead of driving us apart. I told Josh I'm not doing the "just me" thing with my dad anymore. I wouldn't want to go there for Father's Day if he wasn't going also. So I dried up my tears, exchanged "I love you's" with my honey and we went in.

Wouldn't you know it, we had a great day? My dad wasn't aloof or withdrawn. He was smiling and being his usual self. He and Josh worked together almost the entire day and I could tell they were getting along great. I always knew they would once my dad relaxed. My mom and I were able to talk and hang out together while the men finished up the pipe work. It was so nice to not have to worry about how they were getting along. Josh is an excellent worker and knew what he was doing. He is also good at doing what needs to be done without having to be asked or told - I was so proud of him!

We finished off the day of work with a wonderful steak dinner and root beer floats for dessert. We didn't leave the house until 10. It was so nice - I felt so full and complete hanging out with Josh AND my parents.

So praise God for a wonderful Father's Day - thanks Dad! :)

To My Best Friend

2006-06-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write a post in honor of my man, Josh. His support, love, encouragement and patience make me an unbelievably blessed woman. He has helped me get past fears that have been deeply rooted in me with his steady love and quiet support. Knowing that he believes in me and is proud of me means the world, I can't thank him enough. I love that I can rely on him to be there for me, his servant's heart and willingness to give without second thoughts humbles me and amazes me. His goofy, off the wall and at times completely insane personality makes me laugh every time I am with him and reminds me not to be so serious about certain things.

I had always been afraid that I would never find a man whose heart was radically sold out to the Lord and desired only to serve Him no matter the cost. I am so thrilled to know that Josh's heart is consumed with how He can glorify our God. He sharpens me and teaches me by his example. I love that he works with his hands and is incredibly talented at woodwork. I'm so proud of his business that is generating profit after only a year of existence. More so, I'm proud of his determination and perseverance in getting through the hardship of building a business. I have been amazed at his ability to dive into it and get it done. What a man!

I love how I can be honest with him and he will listen to me and take action on what I say. I love that we can be in passionate discussion about something we aren't seeing eye to eye on and still be holding hands. Or maybe we're not holding hands. Maybe we're both extremely upset and I'm crying. But after we're done, we understand each other more and are able to move on and let it go. I love it.

He has been an incredible and much-needed source of security and shelter through some hard times. He is willing to hold me as I cry and listen to me vent...and as he does I sense that the Lord is using him to show me that that is His heart for me as well.

He isn't perfect. :) And our ability (or inability, should I say?) to communicate as a man and woman at times can be extremely frustrating. But I even love that. I am learning so much about myself, about him, about the two of us together and best of all, about God.

So thanks, Josh. I love you so much and appreciate you more than words can say. It may not seem like it by the post above, but a lot of times I am speechless with amazement at the blessings God has given me through you. You're the best!

Dreams I Dream For You

2006-06-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about this song with a few people over the past couple of days and can never remember all the lyrics. So I decided I would post it to try to help me and so all you fine folk can read it, too. It's a good 'un!

Dreams I Dream For You
By Avalon

You taste the tears
You're lost in sorrow
You see your yesterdays
I see tomorrow

You see the darkness
I see the spark
You know your failures
But I know your heart

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to
More precious than the finest things you knew
And truer than the treasures you pursue
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
Then take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of
The dreams I dream for you

You see your shame
But I see your glory
You've read one page
I know the story
I hold a vision
That you'll become
As you grow into the truth
As you learn to walk in love

Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
Then take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of
The dreams I dream for you

I like it a LOT

2006-05-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

I came across an article and loved this paragraph - it's so true!! The author was speaking of the tendency for some to simply accept their lot (strengths/weaknesses, poverty/wealth) and live comfortably with it and for others to completely revolt against their lot to make something else of themselves.

"For those of us in Christ, however, neither revolution nor comfort will quite do. Since the whole truth of our lives lays heavy in the hands of God, a full-scale revolt against our natures pushes against the plans and dreams of God himself. But, then, to acquiesce to the darker urges that haunt our hearts is to stop short of God's best wishes. So we must live in the tension by an act of our own will. We must choose to act with God."

The Reality of Following Christ - Disillusionment and Restoration

2006-05-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Last night my roomie and I hosted our weekly prayer gathering. As we were praying, I found myself asking God the questions that have been rising up in my heart lately. Questions like, "what exactly is this that I am living for? What's the point? What am I fighting for?" I have all my extensive 24 years here on this planet longed for a big story to be a part of, for some amazing cause to pledge myself to in the name of Christ. I dreamt of incredibly days filled with splendor, glory and power.

Lately, I've been slowly becoming disillusioned. The day to day sets in, and I am faced with the hardship of living for Christ in "boring" ways. Being faithful at my job, serving others with humilty, simply praying each day. And I have a feeling that THERE is the heart of following Christ. Commitment, perseverance, endurance, faithfulness, consistency. If these things sound boring to you...you're not alone. I was once there. But more and more, I am learning the beauty and deeper joy. Yes, God is a god of extreme joy, might, power and glory. Butl iving life for grand, heroic moments is no way to live, let me tell you. You're miserable if you feel you aren't living a heroic life, and even when you feel you ARE, it is in and of itself not the point. It will pass away and, when it's all done and over, you will be left feeling empty and purposeless again - driven to find the next big thing I can be a part of.

What about the in-between? And what about the future? I know that here, I am to fight for God's kingdom. But then what? Eternity with Christ...yeah...and? In all honesty, recently it's been sounding rather...lacking. As I realize that my vision of what life with Christ would be was...rather skewed, I wonder what it really is.

I picture myself singing day after day after day, sitting around His throne day after day after day...I love being in the presence of my God, and so it's not too horrible a thought. But still, I feel kind of anticlimatic. "Oh...that's it? I fight here, endure hardship and suffering with Christ and then just go to heaven and sing? I might not ever go another country? I might not ever be used to do incredible feats for You?"

I am not bothered by these questions or feelings of disillusionment. I rather welcome them, because then I am compelled to pray and search for truth, for reality. God is majestic, inspiring, SO amazing. The more I come to know Him in the daily grind of life, the more I know that eternity with Him will be beyond anything I can dream or imagine. He doesn't give us much detail on what we will do when we join Him. We have to trust that it will be something grand.

I'm sure I had some grandiose visions and conceptions - and I am also sure that some of those right now are shriveling up and about to be discarded. And that's fine. God's reality is so much better, if sometimes much less dramatic, than anything I could conjure up.

I came across this article from Relevant magazine that seemed to speak a little to my prayers from last night - God answers quickly sometimes. :) I hope you enjoy it and that it brings some practical reality into your relationship with our Lord.

The Anti-Hero Gospel
Brian Orme

"I’ve always wanted to be a hero. It’s no secret. And with the recent rush for superhero movies, my fetish will have plenty to fuel up on. I’ve wasted many hours daydreaming of saving the proverbial day—whether it’s something as simple as warding off would-be thieves at the 7-11 or even saving a small country in a Mission Impossible-ish victory against the odds. Yeah, I’ve had that dream, too. Every guy wants to be the hero, the one that pulls off the unbelievable stunts, rescues humanity from destruction and chances his life for the greater good—and, of course, gets the girl in the end.

"In real life though, I’m not sure what I’d do if I was called to risk my life, but in a strange way I think being a hero is probably easier than real life. Let me explain.

"Recently, I was reading through the Gospel of John, the part where Jesus gives the disciples the “New Commandment” to love one another and then tells them that he is soon leaving to a place they can't follow. Peter, with an overzealous response tells Jesus that he would lay down his life for him, so why can't he follow? And, of course, Jesus is overwhelmed with Peter’s noble gesture of sacrifice ... okay, not quite. To say Jesus threw a wet blanket on Peter’s superhero-moment would be a vast understatement. Not only did Jesus ignore the machismo of Peter’s allegiance, he dropped the prophetic bomb and told Peter that soon he would deny Jesus three times. Ouch.

"I think this exchange is a classic example of our penchant for the melodramatic, I guess you could call it a hero-complex. Like Peter, we all want to be the spiritual superhero; but sometimes in our all-or-nothing drive to sacrifice, we miss what Jesus is really calling us to do.

"Jesus just finished telling his disciples what he required of them—what would mark them out for the world to see. He simply asked them to …

'Love one another.'

"It seems so anticlimactic doesn't it? Jesus is about to leave his disciples, with no hint of a revolution, aside from the words "love each other." That’s it Jesus—that’s what your leaving us with? On the surface it seems too simple, too ordinary, but these words are the identity-maker for those who follow Christ. These words are tough. No, more than tough. These words are dangerous. I think that’s why it’s easier to "Peter-out" and exchange bold words of sacrifice for an uprising-like obedience.

"As Christians, when we start talking about simple obedience, there's a triggered-mechanism within us that pleads for the dramatic over the daily and begs for short-term heroics over the long-and-steady obedience that comes with taking the commands of Jesus seriously. I think it happens whenever we cry out, "I'd die for you," or, "I'll burn my CD's for you," or maybe something like, "I'll move to Antarctica and freeze to death for you, Jesus." When really, all God wants is for us to take him seriously where we're at and make his way a pattern of life.

"But patterns are hard. Sometimes dying is easier.

"In a way, this is what Peter learned. It's the anti-hero gospel. We’re not called to physically die as soon as we begin following Christ—we’re called to live—in an incredibly new way. Peter was full of flaws, and like us, he had characteristics of the villain at times, a la—“Get behind me Satan,” but in the end, he had enough characteristics of the hero to make us sympathetic to his plight. And, yes, Peter does end up dying for the cause. But Peter’s heroic moment wasn’t so much his martyrdom as it was his life. In the end, I think Peter must have learned that it’s much harder to live for Christ than it is to die for him.

"Instead of a one-time heroic super-moment, most of us are called to the daily life of being Christ to others in an under-the-radar fashion that bespeaks the humility and courage of the one we follow ... the one that called us to love one another. It may not include changing clothes in a phone booth or hanging upside down from a fire escape to save the day, but following Christ is the most daring thing we can do to change the world."

Unexpected Inspirations

2006-05-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Sunday. I started off the morning by picking up Josh and going to church to sing in the choir. I found myself feeling frustrated at the lack of power and God's presence during the worship time. It seemed too typical - come to church, sing three or four songs and end on time so we can get the people out on time to do whatever the day has for them. The lack of passion and fire was too evident and it broke my heart. I am not excluding myself - I know there are areas of apathy that I have to fight constantly. But I left church feeling a longing for the spirit to really move, for the chuch to be united together in joining God in advancing His kindgom. I long to see the church be what it was meant to be - a mighty, moving force in the power and authority of God.

Josh and I went to Seattle to see Pippin, our last show in the package of season tickets that Josh had bought for us. On the ferry ride over, Josh was looking through the paper for any good deals he could find on tools. I was just contemplating and looking out the window at the water and the mountains. After awhile, I heard a choir start singing toward the front of the ship. They were singing worship songs. I felt my soul filled with the joy of it - there is something so amazingly powerful about worshipping the Lord in a place OTHER than church. When we proclaim His majesty and Lordship in "enemy" territory, it's powerful and exhilirating. I remembered the last time I was in Africa. For the first few days we stayed in a hotel in Senegal before heading to the Gambia. Every morning we would stand on the rooftop of the hotel and sing worship sings. You could see mosque towers every direction you looked. We were definitely in enemy territory, surrounded by buildings erected in the name of a false god. I LOVED proclaiming the praise of the one true God in the midst of it all. Singing, "We want to see Jesus lifted high, a banner that flies across this land. That all men might see the truth and know, you are the way to heaven." Knowing that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people, we were doing battle there on that rooftop. We were planting our feet and claiming that area for our God. Woo hoo!!! That's how the choir on the ferry inspired me. It filled me with a longing to exalt Christ as Lord in a land that does not know Him. To claim that territory for Him in worship and prayer. So exciting, to push forward the kingdom of Christ. I couldn't help but wonder how Seattle would be changed if it was filled with believers who were claiming that area for Christ.

Seeing Pippin was quite and experience and in a way went right along with that moment of inspiration. It was VERY well done with SO much talent. I can't believe the voices on that stage. That being said, it was also very....worldly and seductive. There was one scene where I turned Josh's face so he was looking at me and one scene that I just didn't watch at all. It did have a good theme running through it, though of course didn't quite give the right answer at the end. It's a story of a man, Pippin, searching for fulfillment and purpose. He looks for it in all these different places (women, status, etc.) and doesn't find it, of course. He falls in love with this widow and stays with her and her son for awhile. Then freaks out because he doesn't want to be tied down to normal things - he's an extraordinary man and wants extraordinary things. So he leaves only to come full circle and realize everything he had been looking for was right there with the woman and her son. The whole story is being orchestrated by this head circus guy (AMAZING voice, by the way. Really, the talent was incredible) and his gang (dressed up in costume and very...seductive - in a gross, dark way). They're in a sense playing Pippin and driving him to madness in his search so that in the end he'll light himself on fire in an attempt to find the ultimate fulfillment - crazy. He chooses not to do that (as any sane person would) and returns to the woman and her son. The circus dude strips them of the costumes, the lights, the colors (so it's like the whole set was arranged by this black guy and his crew). So Pippin, the woman and her son are left without costume, wigs, make up, etc. so it's just them. This was the black guys' attempt to make Pippin see how drab and horrid life is without all the "finery" he provides. Pippin never sways and is happy and content with the lady.

Of course, we know ultimate fulfillment is in Christ only, but it was still a good message. I actually am pretty shocked sometimes at how close people can come to getting it. They realize fulfillment isn't found in all these things, or why would they write a play about it? But they continually miss the mark. It blows my mind. So, if people realize that there is no fulfillment in what the world has to offer.....WHY are we as Christians not doing a better job at showing what IS truly fulfilling? Of course, I know we cannot lay all the blame at believers' feet. People have freedom of choice and I do believe there is a particular hardness in our country toward the Lord. A deliberate choice to not heed Him. But I can't help but hope that as long as there is a knowledge of an emptiness that nothing seems to satisfy, perhaps they will finally turn toward their creator?

What's Going On????

2006-04-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

Alright, so strange things are happening to me lately. First off, I've had about six people ask me if I'm eating and if I'm losing weight. My aerobics instructor practically thought I was starving myself. A couple of mornings ago, the elderly gentleman who owns the cafe here on base walked up to me completely randomly and asked me if I wanted to know how to gain weight. What???!!!

Then today I had two guys who work here on base ask me if I was doing alright because they saw me sitting on the waterfront yesterday. One joked, "I was going to yell, 'Don't jump!!! It'll be alright!!!" That was pretty hilarious, actually. :) Then another guy, very sweet guy, came up and asked if everything was alright with me. He was just wanting to check because he saw me sitting on the water. At least I know people are concerned, right? It's just hilarious to me that I could be having such a wonderful time with the Lord and passersby think I'm depressed and melancholy.

I must be putting of bad vibes...I gotta work on that.

Beautiful Peace

2006-04-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

I just got back from spending half an hour on the water for my lunch break. The water was sparkling, the sun was shining, the seagulls were soaring and the wind was gently blowing. It wasn't overly warm, but it wasn't cold, either. It was perfect. I found myself just soaking it all in. When I'm in creation, my senses come alive and I love to use all of them. I love drinking in the beauty of it, the smell of it, savoring the feel of it and the music of it. Often times I can't really taste it, but if I can I love to do that, too. :) I always want to transform myself and melt into it - to be a part of it. It's so full of beauty and peace and speaks a message of joy and rest that I long to experience. Nature shouts the praise of my God. The forests whisper it with the gentle rustling of the branches. Sometimes it's a quiet whisper, sometimes it's filled with exultation and joy. The mountains proclaim His constancy and faithfulness, the rivers testify to His peace and comfort. All of this fills me as I sit and listen.

In this place my soul opens up on its deepest level and I find myself communing with my Best Friend and drinking in His presence. I wish I could describe the way just being with Him makes me believe I can do anything. The way I find joy and surrender filling my heart. He is everything. I was reading in John last night and found this verse: "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." I am His friend. I was meditating on that while I was sitting on the waterfront. I am God's friend. That's...wow, amazing. He listens to me, He carries my burdens, He CARES, He delights with me, He shares His secrets with me.

So now I am feeling steadied and ready to finish my day at work. I hope you all take time to escape into your special place with the Lord and talk to Him like He's your best friend....cuz He is. :)

Ever feel....?

2006-03-31T08:12:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself feeling like you're living on the surface? You interact with your co-workers but never touch on the heart of things. You see your roommate for maybe a half an hour before one of you heads out to the next planned event for the day. Today I woke up feeling frustrated and like my heart was crying out for more. I look at God's creation all around me and it fills me with wonder - it leaves my soul aching for the author of such beauty to show Himself. Why is it that we don't experience the might and power of God around here? Why is it that the glory of God seems such a distant thing? I think we have let ourselves get comfortable without it. We still read the bible...maybe. We still pray and worship and go to church...sometimes. Where is our urgency? Where is our passion and zeal for the Lord? Where is mine? All I know is I don't want to settle for a mediocre, tepid life as a Christian. I want to be intimate with my Creator. I want to walk with Him, sit with Him, learn from Him. I want His life to fill me. I'm tired of "status quo." I'm bored to death with it.

Last night Em and I had Jenny, Lisa, Kami and Theresa over for a prayer time. It was wonderful to get together with girls and talk and pray. Each girl prayed for her own prayer requests while the others agreed with her in prayer. I don't know about the others, but I sensed the Lord with us in a very powerful way. It made me excited for what God will do as we continue to meet. I am believing for awesome answers to prayer and powerful healing - emotionally and physically.

Tonight my roomie has scheduled a birthday party for me - she's awesome!! We're going to the Ale House in Kingston to do karaoke. I'm stoked!

Not much has changed

2006-03-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

My mom loves to tell the story about how I stayed in the womb until the last possible second. I came out three weeks late at a whopping 11 pounds and 9 ounces after being positioned as far up against her ribs as possible. The day the doctors planned to induce my mom was the day she went into labor. 24 years later, that same stubborness still marks my life. Even my chiropractor picked up on it when she was attempting to put my neck back into alignment. As she was gently trying to position my neck and encouraging me to "just let all that go, just relax," my muscles would allow my neck to move less than an inch. Granted, I had done something that morning that had sent my entire right upper shoulder and neck into an excruciating spasm and my muscles were about as moldable as a rock. Even still, she asked, "were you stubborn as a child?" >>sigh<< I can't even hide it from my chiropractor. C'est la vie, I don't think I will ever outgrow this trait.

My roomie and I were talking about this last night as we enjoyed a wonderful mild night out on our porch. We brought out our camping chairs and wrapped ourselves in a blanket with our hot cup of tea, sweatshirt and slippers. It was fun to laugh hysterically as we drew mental pictures of our panic attacks and refusal to let go of something God has been tugging on until we've exhausted every last possible alternative. We came up with the following scenario: The Lord is calling us to jump off what seems an incredily high cliff with no sight of what is below. All we see is fog and mist drifting about 100 feet below us. We are slowly being dragged (because of course, as rational human beings we are not going to willingly leap off a cliff right? Give us a break!). Our hearts know, or at least know we SHOULD know, that we can trust the Lord. But we still cling to every bush, rock and crack in the ground to stop the dragging as we are pulled closer and closer to the edge. (Disclaimer: God is not a cruel God and will never force a person to follow Him or obey Him. He is not literally dragging us, this is merely a depiction of the condition of our hearts as we try to follow Christ. His love pulls us and we resist. Ok, now that we have that straight, on with the story.) As we finally tumble over the edge of the cliff, we are still not fully sure everything will be fine. Not until, as Emily so eloquently put it, we land on the marshmallows below us. :) For me, I have a hard time letting go of something until I am darn sure that that is what God wants. It's so hard sometimes to discern between the world, your own thoughts and the Lord. What is God really saying to me?

Josh and I had a great talk last Sunday and I mentioned how I am beginning to know how to discern between the Lord's leading and something that is other than Him. If the Lord is leading me in a certain direction, that is the only direction in which I have peace and strength. It doesn't mean it's easy, or that it makes sense or that it's even necessarily something I would have chosen - just that that is where He is. Which means that is the only place I am alive, even if a part of me is being put to death (see post on No Man's Land). I had a wonderful revelation this morning. I was thinking back on all the things I had clung to and was so scared to let go of. My life has not gone the way I would have planned it and in many ways my life feels more uncertain and unpredictable since stepping out and deciding to follow Christ whatever. BUT, I wouldn't trade it for the all those things that I had clung to. Not even a chance. I am finding it a wonderful, joyous journey to follow Christ step by step. Not without its moments of frustration, confusion and impatience to be sure. I'm human, after all. :) But even amidst all of that, there is a deep peace within me that is not touched by all of it. I wish I could express how that fact is so magnificent that it just made me pause in my typing in speechless amazement. He did it. God did that. Confident faith seemed a distant dream, something I remembered having years ago and wasn't sure if I would ever see again. There were so many questions and doubts I had, so many times I clung to what the bible said about these things and what friends encouraged me in out of stubborn determination and desperate hope that they would prove true. And they have. They all have, every last one. God IS faithful, He DOES care for me, He IS all I need, there IS hope. Praise God.

If you are finding yourself consumed in a battle of doubt, questioning, uncertainty and confusion, please don't give up. Keep pressing in. We can't expect to win if we give up before we're done. Search the Lord, test for truth - He will prove constant and true. Refuse to stop seeking and pressing in until He answers. I promise He will. In His time and in His way. His desire is for you to know Him, to be in intimate relationship with Him, to take part in His glory. He will reveal Himself to a heart that is truly seeking. God bless you in your journey.

The Hammer Holds

2006-03-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

The Hammer Holds

By Bebo Norman

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form, I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The water, it cools me gray, and the hurt subdued somehow
I have my shape this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question, it still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

A hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me helplessly through flesh and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But m y dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear, but it, my Maker holds

No Man's Land

2006-03-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

No Man's Land. This has been my home for the past few years. As much as I once hated it, I'm growing more and more comfortable here. I'm sure many of you are familiar with it, maybe it's your home right now as well. If you've ever experienced it, you know exactly what I am talking about. It's a place of no identity. A place where home is no longer "home." A place of in between. I am not who I was when I was going to school and living with my parents, and I have no idea who I am going to become. I am stuck in the inbetween. The things that were once so certain and unquestionable suddenly are up for debate. You wrestle through everything you once assumed and dig deeper: why is that that way? Why do I live this way? What exactly IS glory, anyway? Do I really know what I am signing up for by being a follower of Christ? The more I come to realize how little I really KNOW, the less solid the ground is beneath my feet. The less confident I am in throwing myself out into the world. Suddenly I'm feeling very much like the little girl again, wanting to cling to her daddy's legs - not willing to take a step unless His legs move with me. That was in the beginning. Oh, there are definitely still moments and they are still pretty frequent. But, I am learning a valuable lesson in this my new home - God is often found in the midst of suffering and confusion. I miss Him by straining for joy and peace, for clarity and certainty. Instead, He is calling me to follow Him and walk with Him through my No Man's Land.

My friend Michelle White lent me a book called Hinds' Feet in High Places. Being a children's pastor, the book is a children's story. But it struck a deep chord with me. It tells the story of a little girl called Much Afraid who lives in the Valley of Despair. She works for the Great Shepherd who one days calls her to go with Him to the High Places. He gives her two companions. I felt my entire spirit cringe in rebellion as I read who they were: Sorrow and Suffering. I had been fighting with God on this very subject. Why in the WORLD does He make us go through hardship to learn lessons? Isn't there a much less painful way? Why is that following Him often leads us right into times of uncertainty? Much Afraid's question in response to her two companions mirrored my heart's cry: "Why can't you give me Joy and Peace? Wouldn't they be a better help to me, giving me strength for the journey?" I had been crying out for a removal of this time of uncertainty, for peace and joy and rest from all the turbulent emotions and confusions that I was carrying. With no answer. As I continued to read this book I realized something. God was intentionally keeping me here not to punish or to pound a lesson into my thick skull, but to refine me. To purify and sharpen me. There has been more than one time that I have praised God with my entire being for not granting me my desire to be shot right into this incredible career/ministry. I wasn't ready - at all.

As Much Afraid encountered different characters such as Bearing with Love and Acceptance with Joy in places such as the Desert and the Sea of loneliness, I began to see the parallel in my life and that God is in the midst of my suffering. He desires me to learn how to accept with joy the trials and suffering. I am to submit to it, surrender to His refining touch and allow my heart to be moldable and open to the things He desires to teach me. As I pondered this and prayed for God's help to see truth, I found my spirit being filled with the beauty and hope of this truth. God has not deserted me, He has not forsaken or betrayed me. It's quite the opposite. This time in my life, every trial, is meant as a sharpening tool. He is intentionally preparing and growing me. The thought makes me feel special - God has a plan for my life and is shaping me to fit that plan. Now, I'm not saying all hardships are sent by God. I firmly believe that humans have the capability to make their own choices and those choices can adversely affect another. But even in those times, He works it for our good. I still have some questions I wrestle with on that, but I'm used to this by now. The translation of this new lesson from a children's book to my life is hard. Reality is less clear, less simple. And while I can read the end of Much Afraid's story, I have no idea how mine ends.

So, in desperately searching for God OUTSIDE of my No Man's Land, I was missing Him entirely. The whole time He stood right in the middle, beckoning me to continue with Him. And now another wonderful thing is happening. As I come to accept this and to choose to submit to what He placed in my path, that peace that I was searching for fills me. That freedom and joy that was so elusive now fills me at unexpected times. It is found in surrender and humble submission. Life comes through death. As I experience what feels like a million small deaths, deaths of dreams and loves, trusts and hopes, the Lord refines me to be more like He is and I am driven further into His arms. I have a new hope now, that out of the ashes will come life abundant. That the Lord will reward me for my obedience and willingness to follow Him with His glory and joy, authority and freedom.

The beauty of No Man's Land? The Lord is all that is certain and thus my only solid ground. And I am finding it is all that I need.

P.S. If you're reading this and are feeling rebellious to this concept of submission to suffering, you're not alone. I am still a work in progress and have my own fits of rebellion. I have only one suggestion - talk about it. Be open and honest. Question. God answers a heart that is sincerely seeking.

Grasping in the Wind

2006-01-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like that? Like you are striving for something elusive, some vague distraction that is constantly driving you and won't let you rest? I have felt this for quite a long time now. I still don't know exactly how to define it, how to describe it. I often feel restless, my spirit disturbed - like I'm missing something that I should be doing. There is a sorrow in me, almost a devastation. Somtimes it's barely noticeable, other times it is all I can see and feel. I don't know how to put a name to it, when I try to talk about it I end up speechless. I don't know what to do to remedy it, so I find myself grasping in the wind. What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? Where do I need to go? I guess the best I can describe it as is a wrestling with becoming "me." There are many areas of disconnect with how I dream of my life being and the reality of how it is. I know I fight submitting to reality and accepting it because it leaves me wanting. I find myself asking, "is that it? Is this all it is?" I want more. I want more stimulation, I want more excitement and movement. I'm sure a lot of it gets down to my ability to trust the Lord. He is absolutely my anchor and mainstay, He is absolutely the most beautiful aspect of my life.

So, all this often times drives me to grasp, to strive. Of course, I want to elminate the hardship, the pain and the disillusionment. But I also know that the Lord will lead us into times of pain and hardship for our good. I trust that and want to submit to it. But how do you know the difference between what is changeable and what is not? I was at Barnes and Noble last night and saw a journal with this prayer on the front - I'm sure most of you have heard it, "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." It resonated with me last night. It's my prayer.

I'm sure many of you by now, if you don't know me, have gathered that I am a person who is constantly thinking, analyzing....maybe you think I'm too intense, too deep. You're probably right. Those of you who do know me, hopefully you see some ounce of hope for me. :) I am not beating myself up, I believe that God created me this way for His glory, being a ponderer allows me to search and get to know Him in a deep way. But, there is a downside. I am noticing that I am forever structuring my life in my mind. How I want it to look, what I want to do, where I want to go. I'm a dreamer and so I dream. I base my actions on pursuing these dreams. Here's where I have to be careful. It can all too quickly turn in to my dictating how my life is to go. Slowly but surely I can begin to run ahead of the Lord instead of matching His pace, waiting on His timing. Praise God He is a patient leader.

Alright, my thoughts jumbled all over the page with that one. Sorry. You got the raw, unanalyzed thoughts straight from my brain. Lucky you. :) To sum up, I'm tired of grasping. I'm tired of feeling restless, and so I am going to intentionally pray and ask the Lord to lead me to a place of peace. I have full confidence that He will answer. I wonder what it will look like?

The Power of Words

2006-01-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

I love the power of words. The right words crafted together in just the right way go straight to the very heart of me and fill me with awe and beauty. The following excerpt might not seem so grand to you, but I loved it. Anything that exalts our God and proclaims His steadfastness and Holiness is worth posting. This filled me with a renewed sense of wonder and glory at our God. God bless!

"The Bible contains:

The mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. It's doctrines are holy, it's precepts are binding, it's histories are true, and it's decisions are immutable. Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you. It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Where paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed. Christ is it's grand subject, our good it's design, and the glory of God it's end. It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure. It is given you in life, will be open at judgment, and be remembered forever. It involves the highest responsibility, rewards the greatest labor, and condemns all who trifle with it's holy contents."

The Power of Hope and Constant Pain

2006-01-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

Constant pain - this is a new one for me. How do you handle a situation that brings constant pain and doesn't seem to have an end in sight? What do you do with a broken heart that still longs and hopes for healing but doesn't see an answer? I'm one that likes to analyze my emotions, put a label on it, stick it in its appropriate shelf and leave it there. This can be done in a situation that was painful, even extremely painful, if the cause of pain is removed. It might take quite a bit of time, but eventually I come to terms with the pain, accept it and move on. I might revisit it from time to time; not to dwell in it, but to remember and to marvel at how far I've come, how much God has healed me and how much I've grown since then. But how do you do that when the cause of pain remains and there is no easy solution? When the person causing the pain is one very close to you, one who should be one of the greatest sources of support and encouragement. I am living with this kind of pain and hurt, and I can't figure it out. I can't clarify it or understand it, I simply live with it. It's one of those pains that is crushingly heavy on my soul if I allow myself to acknowledge it too much for too long. The only way to live with it is to believe that God will in His time work a change. I am not willing to even consider the possibility of what it could mean if circumstances do not change.

But how does one go on with this? How do you bear it without becoming scarred or resentful or gaining some root of anger, bitterness or hopelessness? I all too often give up on hope and try to resign myself to current reality, to accept the circumstance. It is often too painful to continue to keep my heart open to hope and love and effort in the face of what seems to be a heart closed to change. I believe in the power of love, more specifically in the power of my God's love, and even in my darkest hour, I feel the hope and certainty of that power. He helps me live in that hope - but I get tired of living in hope of what will be in the face of reality as it is now. Often times the reality looms much larger in my heart than the hope of what could be. How do I know that what I hope for is something God will bring into reality? If God were to clearly tell me what He will do, I would be set. What He says, He does. I believe that with all my heart. But He doesn't tell me anything and I am left to my own conclusions - which I often times don't trust for anything.

I am sure I am not the first to walk through times like this, so if there are any of you out there who have walked this path before me, I would so greatly appreciate any words of wisdom. Even if it's just a "you'll get through this, I did."

This song expresses my heart's cry very well:

"I will Rest in You"
By Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I’m in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You’re right where you have always been.

Take me back to you,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in you,
I will rest in you,
I will rest in you.

Tell me I’m a fool,
Tell me that you love me for the fool I am,
[and*] comfort me like only you can,

And tell me there’s a place
Where I can feel your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to you,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in you,
I will rest in you,
I will rest in you.

Copying

2006-01-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, I read this excerpt on another person's site and loved it so much I wanted to put it on mine. this is something that I have been learning very much over the past couple of years. How utterly NOT contingent God's love is on my actions and efforts - praise God. I am utterly screwed up and will be all my days on this earth. I pursue false loves and ego strokers, forgetting that the Lord is the only One who is worth pursuing. I treat God as a casual friend more often than I would like to admit. At any rate, God's grace is the theme of my life - who knows where I would be without it?

"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God."

The gospel of grace nullifies our adulation of televangelists, charismatic superstars, and local church heroes. It obliterates the two-class citizenship theory operative in many American churches. For grace proclaims the awesome truth that all is a gift. All that is good is ours not by right but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God. While there is much we may have earned -- our degree (snicker) and our salary, our home and garden, a Miller Lite and a good night's sleep -- all this is possible because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love. We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. This and so much more is sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer. Even our fidelity is a gift. "If we but turn to God, " said St. Augustine, "that itself is a gift from God."

My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."

--Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Fun in the snow...sort of

2006-01-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the winter retreat for Remnant, the youth group at my church. It's the first retreat I've been on in a couple years and I have to say that this experience was far better than the last one - mostly because my attitude was much better. I was VERY excited to go up in the snow and wouldn't you know but they had a max of about five inches (I really was hoping for more) and it was frozen at that. It RAINED while we were there and started snowing on our drive back down. Go figure.

At any rate, we had a snowball fight between the group leaders and the students. I'm not much of one for snowball fights, I'd rather wrestle in it. My aim is not even worth mentioning and hand to hand combat is much more fun. But here is a picture of me winding up for the launch. Note the intense look of concentration on my face and the perfect poise as I draw back....ha, who am I fooling. I love the look on Mario's face (the guy behind me to the left). He's our youth pastor and a wonderful man of God. I'm excited to work with him. More later on the details of what God did in my life.

Our Greatest Fear

2006-01-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

A wonderful friend of mine sent me this poem today and I absolutely love it...especially the last part.

Our Greatest Fear

Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Me and Janna

2006-01-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

I tried posting this picture with the previous post but for some reason it wouldn't go. This is my friend Janna. We took this picture in Port Townsend. That's a very cool place to go visit. Anyway, just wanted to bring some life to the story.

Thursday Fun

2006-01-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

I had a very enjoyable evening last night - Post dentist appointment that is. I went to Six Star with the girl I'm leading my cabin with for this weekend's youth retreat (I'm going to the SNOW, baby). We were buying winter theme stuff to help make the atmosphere a bit more cozy. You know, lights, head warmers, paper snowflakes and the like. Well, there just so happened to be a nice red head warmer waaaaaay at the top of the wall. There was only one and we really wanted it. We, being the self sufficient girls that we are, of COURSE didn't ask for help. There were some plastic baskets on the floor and we simply turned one over and I proceeded to stand on it in an attempt to get to the head warmer.

You do the math - One $1 plastic basket from Six Star + a 138 pound, 6' 23-year-old = ??? Yep, you guessed it. A broken basket and two girls in hysterics. We were doubled over we were laughing so hard. One broken plastic basket added to the shopping list: check. The ladies were kind enough to not make me pay for it. I kind of wish I would have bought it, however. It would have made a great memento.

After that I went to say bye to Josh before leaving for the weekend and then headed out to my place. My friend Janna came over and we went to work out in the gym at my apartment. It was nice to exert some physical energy again, although it was rather pathetic to compare our strides on the running machine. If we had been truly running together, she would have left me in the dust. It was rather handy to have the machines. That way we could both go at our own pace and still be "running" together. My roomie met us down there so we could all soak in the hot tub after working out. Now, we had a stroke of bad luck with this hot tub before. Emily and I came down to soak in it and it was locked. Strike 1 for the apartment. Last night the door was open and the water was SO not hot. Not even warm really. It was tepid. Tepid and dirty. Strike 2 for the apartment. We sat in it for awhile anyway. To take away the chill of sitting in a tepid hot tub and then being out in the rain, we all hopped into the shower with Josh Groban blaring from my boombox. It was so fun to rotate as each girl needed the shower. Yes, we still had our swimsuits on. It reminded me of my younger days when us kids would play at the beach and then pack into the bathtub to get warm and rinse off. There were at least three of us in there at a time. Those were the good ol' days.

We ended the night by ordering pizza and hanging out. Janna stayed the night and I got to fall asleep knowing my flannel sheets were freshly washed along with our hair and bodies and my feather mattress cover freshly fluffed. Here's to a fun weekend in the snow.

The Big City

2006-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

I had a fun time with my roomie last night. We talked about our ideals of a romantic day - both of our centered around activity and experience with our man. We talked about our love for being around culture and life. I talked about my dream for living in a big city for a time. When I was in Boston on business I saw the coolest row houses and would love love love to live in one for awhile. With the trees outside and the cool shops along the streets - all the history and beautiful architecture. I love the sophistication, cool coffee shops and art galleries, music, personalities, foods...Yep, I wanna go. The pictures are of New York, the one below is a hotel. I love how modern it looks. It's great to be living so close to Seattle. Josh and I have gone to the 5th Avenue Theatre a few times now and are going again end of the month to see The Wedding Singer. Don't ask me how they can make that a musical. I'm not big on the movie, but we'll see how the show is. It'll be fun regardless.

More pics and random stuff

2006-01-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, time for another photo. I'm going to have fun with this now that I know how to do it. This is my wonderful family. Me and my bro are in back and my parents down in front. My brother and I used to fight constantly but now we're buds. This was taken last year at Christmas time. This year was the first year we weren't all together for the holidays. Donny came up for Thanksgiving so he couldn't make it up for Christmas. It was rather strange and at the same time....it wasn't so strange. Here's another pic of me and my bro...it's one of my fav's.

I played sock hockey with my roomie and some of her friends last week. It was sooo fun. I forget how competitive I can get. My favorite part of the night was when I stole the "puck" from one of the really good players. He was driving it down toward our end and I ran up and knocked it back between his feet the other way. Yesssssss.

I spent the day yesterday with Josh. It was great to have a conversation about our relationship and just getting to know each other better. I like it when I can have times like that with him. Ok, signing out for now.

My Guy

2005-12-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I figured out how to add pictures to my posts, so here is a picture of my guy. This picture is of him and the little girl of a couple from our church. We took the picture because both of their hair was all messed up....it's one of my favorites.

The next picture is of me and Josh on our way to a camping trip at Lake Ozette. This is one of my favorites of us because of his eyes. I don't know how well it will turn out online, but he has very gentle, honest eyes. :) Yay, now you all can know what my guy looks like. Aint he handsome??

2005-12-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hello world.

It's the day before Christmas Eve and I can feel myself already mentally preparing for the next week - aaaaaaah, relaxing. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and then go to my parents' house where I will help prepare a wonderful meal, sing in the Christmas Eve service and then wake up to a relaxing Christmas morning. In the afternoon, I'll head down to Olympia to spend the evening with Josh's family. Then....a whole week to do whatever it is I feel like doing. Sweeeeet.

Right now I'm sitting at work. It's 11:17 a.m. and I don't have much to do at all. I brought a couple of movies to watch but neither of them will work in my computer. Bummer. That's alright, lately I've been wondering at how much time we devote to entertainment instead of to spending time with the Lord. How easy is it to want to come home after a long, tiring day of work and veg in front of the tv? Turn off your mind for awhile and go into a comatose state? Admit it, you've been there. Me, too. But I have found that there is no rest at all like being in the presence of Christ. No matter how tired my body is, I can't rest until my spirit has been quieted and touched by my Lord. I'll lay there tossing and turning trying to turn off any mental activity. I can't do it. Once I've spent time with Him, sometimes I am still physically tired and go to sleep. Often, though, I find myself revived and energized and ready to move forward. Ok, long tangent.

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I was talking to the Lord about an emptiness I was feeling, a longing that I couldn't put my finger on. As I was praying, it came to me that I have not been regularly active in the gifts the Lord has given me. I haven't been using them to help build His kingdom, to further His work. So I asked His forgiveness and told Him I would take steps to be more active in living out my faith to others. My good friend Lisa McDonald came over and we were talking about miscellaneous things and came onto the subject of ministry. Long story short, I talked about my tossing around the idea of doing Big Brother, Big Sister and then my desire for working with girls came up. That is my biggest passion - encouraging girls to seek the Lord, to love Him, to follow Him. So I decided to work with Remnant, my church's youth group. In all honesty, I have thought about doing this many times but have resisted because of an issue I have. When I was involved with Legacy, it was my life - and I loved every minute of it. I ate it, slept it, breathed it. The church was my home - I felt like I was there more than I was at my own place. Being so consumed with a higher cause like that is the absolute best way to live - but it also makes times where you aren't part of something like that shallow and weak in comparison. So, in response to the adjustment I had to make in living in the "real world," I have become wary of letting myself get too caught up in anything again. It's not reality, it's not about hype or emotion. That last part is true, but I have been hedging becoming a part of the youth ministry again because I don't want my life to be so consumed with something so small as a youth ministry again. The ministry itself is not the focus - not the church, not the home groups, not the services. The focus is Christ - glorifying Him and being used of Him to reconcile people to Himself.

At any rate, I feel like I have come to a place now where I can re-enter the realm of youth ministry with the right perspective, the right focus. And I'm excited about moving forward in the passions that the Lord has given me. I feel relieved that I am being obedient to His call to give my life and time in service to and for others and ultimate to and for Him. I'm a little nervous, to tell the truth. I don't know what it will look like, I don't know what my place will be. But I know it's the right move. And that's enough.

Ok, I got distracted and am just now returning to the post. It's now 1 p.m. Only three more hours to go!

Christmas Joys

2005-12-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again - and I think it's going to be one of the most memorable I've had so far. To sum up:

- It's my first Christmas with my own place and my own Christmas tree. I had some friends over on Tuesday night and loved getting the place ready. Lighting the candles, putting on the tree lights, playing Christmas music, making hot cider and tea. I love hosting, it's one of my favorite things to do.

- Josh's family is here from India. It's so great to have them all here. Christy went right to work making the house look homey and cozy. It's completely transformed, really. Last night I dropped by after Christmas Eve service practice to spend some time with them. What a fun family! Josh brought his knee up to his chest to see how high his knee came and soon everyone, including Bruce (Josh's dad), was putting their knee up to their chest to see where their knee hit. The consensus was I had the longest legs....go figure. :) Josh then measured everyone and turns out I'm a little taller than 6'. Not much, though. We watched Alias and had decaffeinated coffee and fudge and cookies and all sorts of Christmas goodies. Fun night. I stayed up way too late, of course, but that's ok. It's the season for splurging.

- I get to spend the night at my parents' house and wake up surrounded by familiar things that bring my childhood back to me and make me feel all secure and protected again. I'm singing with both my mom and my dad in our church's Christmas Eve service, which is very special to me. Singing was something that I grew up doing and loved seeing my parents doing. It's one of my favorite ways to connect with my Savior and doing it with my family is a great blessing.

- Christmas night I'm going down to Olympia to have dinner with Josh's family and grandparents. I'm looking very forward to it and feel very touched and grateful that they would want me there with them.

This has been a year filled with, well, lots of turmoil, joys, growth, transition, healing, love, amazement, disappointment, disillusionment...just about everything that you can imagine. I hope the growth continues and I am continunally drawn closer to my God. God bless your Christmas with peace, rest and simple joy as He makes the reality of His greatness and love new to your heart.

Tree Decorators Extraordinaire

2005-12-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

Well, last night Emily and I decorated our Christmas tree. We went with my man Josh on Saturday to my favorite tree farm - Hubert's in Seabeck. It didn't take us long, but we perused enough to fully enjoy the experience of getting a tree. The view of the mountains was absolutely breathtaking. The sun was setting, casting a soft purple/pink glow on the peaks with the sky melting into a dusky blue away from the horizon. The air was crisp enough to make you look forward to the coming cup of hot cider with eager anticipation but not frigid enough to render your fingers useless. Emily and I cut down the tree all by ourselves - yay for girl power. ;) Josh was a great help in pointing out great trees. I think it was him that found the tree we eventually settled on. I have to say, I really liked getting my tree with him. His outdoor/rugged look was perfect. All we all needed was a cabin with a warm fire, snow falling outside and great friends to sing carols and play games with....ok, so that's a lot to need.

It took Emily and I so long to get the darn tree up straight in the stand that we got half way through our first strand of lights and called it quits for the night. Two nights later, we began again. It took us a grand total of 3 and a half hours to finish lighting the tree because we were doing it the way I've always been brought up to do it, and that is wrapping each individual branch. Well, I stopped by my parents' today and noticed that the lights were much looser than we had done ours. Oh well. It was still fun.

Needless to say, we have a beautiful finished product lighting up our dining room with warmth and cheer. This is my Christmas in my own place. Some things are different - instead of cider, I was drinking hot tea as we decorated. Instead of Bryan Duncan's "Christmas is Jesus" Christmas album playing, we had Warm 106.9 - which worked just as well. Instead of my family, Emily was helping me (and sniffing weird-smelling ornaments with me). Our little kitten was surprisingly good while all this was going on. We were a little afraid to go to bed.

Now, here I sit. I just came from my parents - it's not often that I'm there anymore. In all honestly, I was feeling a little sad and alone when I left. I forget the warmth, acceptance and sense of protection and security that I always feel when I'm with my parents. It's like I can be that little girl again for an evening with no cares, worries or stresses beyond my homework. Now, I feel like I am facing a world of uncertainty, future hurts and disappointments. I'd like to pretend that I'm ready to face it with open arms...but my step into adulthood has been more like a donkey being dragged as he digs in his heels. God is very gracious and often I find myself there without really realizing how I got there.

So, I'm going to go journal, pray and meditate. Possibly watch The Grinch Who Stole Christmas depending on how long that takes and go to bed early.

For pictures of our great tree decorating caper, go to Emily's Blog. I can't really figure out how to post pictures quite yet. Her site is emilytr.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas to all!!

A Baby's Hug

2005-12-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

I was emailed this by a friend this morning and I had to try really hard not to sob at my desk. Sometimes these stories hit me really hard...I hope this reminds you as it did me to see people through the eyes of Christ, not through the eyes of the world.

Merry Christmas!!

A BABY'S HUG

We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi." He pounded his fat baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and giggled with merriment. I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists.

"Hi there, baby; Hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster," the man said to Erik.

My husband and I exchanged looks, "What do we do?" Erik continued to laugh and answer, "Hi." Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo." Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed.

We ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skidrow bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments. We finally got through the meal and headed for the door.

My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking
lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. "Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik," I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's "pick-me-up" position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back.

No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby." Somehow I managed, "I will," from a throat that contained a stone. He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift." I said nothing more than a muttered thanks.

With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I
was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me." I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking, "Are you willing to share your son for a moment?" when He shared His for all eternity. The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, "To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children."

Exploring my feminine side

2005-11-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

Make up and me - the two haven't really mixed very well over the years. Mostly because I am incredibly impatient and don't like spending more time in front of the mirror than I have to before I can get on with my day. I'll spend maybe five minutes on my hair, put a little mascara on, some foundation and maybe a little bit of neutral eye shadow and I'm done. The times I have attempted to do color on my eyes have been...well, let's just say it didn't make me really want to do it again.

I was always one of those girls who scorned anything overly "girly." The color pink was an absolute no way, make up was paid trivial attention to and I couldn't stand being in the mall for more than half an hour. I was a "do it myself, don't need no guy to take care of me" kind of girl. Things are changing...slowly. I no longer despise the color pink (if it's the right shade), buying professional, classy clothes really is becoming too appealing and I like to be feminine. Not helpless, mind you - just feminine.

Last night I hosted a Mary Kay party for one of my best friends, Kim Toro. We had five girls all together: Emily, Kim, Kathryn, Stephanie Springer and I. We had a good time. I learned tips for how to apply eye shadow for my eye shape that actually makes it look good and not too done up. It really is kind of fun, when you think about it, how you can be an artist with your face. Shadowing, contouring, highlighting....all these art terms were thrown around last night. The facials were followed by general girl talk that did eventually lead to a great conversation about God and ghosts and whether or not ghosts exist. Just goes to show that being into make up and clothes doesn't mean you can't be a woman of substance.

I guess I rebelled against all things girly because I associated it with shallowness, vanity and helplessness. I didn't want my life to be consumed with worrying about how I looked - making sure I had the newest fashion, that my make up was done just right. I didn't want to find my identity in how I looked so I just didn't bother at all. Not to say I was a total bum, but I honestly didn't think twice about it. Now I'm finding the fun in exploring this part of my femininity without letting it dictate who I am - unfortunately it reflects in my checking account. ;)

The Beanie

2005-11-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

On second thought, this beanie has really turned out to be a great little conversation starter...maybe I should just wear it more often....

If you're confused, see the post below.

To my roomie

2005-11-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

Good morning! This post is dedicated to my roomie whose blog (www.emilytr.blogspot.com) re-inspired me to post random little things about my daily life. I found myself thoroughly enjoying reading hers and figured I could do the same. For those of you who don't know me, you could probably care less. That's alright, I don't blame you at all. But those of you who are my buds, maybe you'll enjoy reading what's going on from time to time....

It's Friday morning, my last day at work for a whole week. Yes! It's been an exhausting week, both physically and emotionally. I don't think I've made it to bed before 11 since Sunday - most of the time it's been midnight. Since I get up at 6, this quickly wears on me. For some of you six hours may be enough sleep, but for this girl it's a minimum of 8 to be functioning at my best.

Last night I was going to attempt to be in bed early and for awhile it looked like I just might make it. I normally go to Martha and Mary on Thursday nights to play Yahtzee with the ladies but decided to take a break last night. Em and I went to Gandhi's for dinner - delicious! I think the guy who showed us to our booth has a little crush on my roommate. He kept smiling at her. She's a regular patron of theirs so he's seen her a lot. We had a great talk about our dream guys and other miscellaneous stuff. I have to admit it was weird to talk about my dream guy since I'm dating Josh. I honestly don't really think about my dream guy now - I'm with Josh. But it was cool to see how many of the things I've always dreamed about are a part of who Josh is. Anyway, we saw a guy we knew from church who works there and chatted with him briefly then went back to the apartment to watch a movie. I have to tell ya', I love our place. My dad called it scangy. It may not be the greatest quality, but at least it's MINE.

We pulled out the hide-a-bed and watched Princess Bride. GREAT movie - classic. I could feel myself falling asleep but both our phones kept ringing. We're popular - yes!! :) The movie was done before 8, which was NICE. Then we watched a little feature on the making of the movie which totally made the movie even better to me. You can tell the cast got along great and had a blast filming the movie. Made me want to be a part of it!! I could do Pricess Buttercup, and I wouldn't be a wuss like her. I'd take that log in the fire swamp and beat the living crap out of the ROUS. None of this lame poking stuff. :)

I called Shannon Smith after that to invite her to the Mary Kay party I'm hosting for one of my bestest friends today and we ended up talking for about two and a half hours. So much for getting to bed on time. I think it was almost midnight by the time I turned out the light. But, it was a great talk and very encouraging. We found we have many similarities in our approach to romantic relationships which helped me know I'm not insane. The Lord is doing a lot in both of our lives to bring us back to the place where He is the first love and it's always encouraging to talk to someone like that.

So, here I am, sitting at my desk drinking my black raspberry mocha with my little foot heater blasting warmth onto my toes and typing on this blog instead of working. My wonderful boyfriend is probably working hard at this shop or on Bainbridge. It's fun for me to imagine him in his element working with the other guys to make new homes beautiful. He's really good at what he does - I love being able to see him doing what he's great at.

So, here's to a dreary Friday. May it be filled with little surprises of joy and freedom.

P.S. Ok, so I wore my beanie to work today. Anyone knows that beanies are now becoming a fashion icon and are just part of the outfit. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I'm cold (the downfall of working right in the lobby where the entire world can see you). Maybe I should just tape a sign to my beanie saying, "Bad Hair Day"? That's really the reason I wore it anyway. I didn't feel like fussing with it....I can tell it's going to get rather irritating...

To my Grandma

2005-11-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

My grandma just passed away. It happened very quickly - we heard she had cancer and was going in for surgery. Then they found it in her lymph nodes and bones and she was told it was terminal. She was given three months to live. That was three weeks ago. I heard yesterday that the doctors were giving her a week and that she would undoubtedly not be there when I flew down with my dad next week. Today she is gone.

I was a wreck yesterday - trying to take in the knowledge that I would never see my grandma alive again. That I wouldn't be able to say good-bye. That was hard.

Today, when my dad told me the news....I felt joy. True joy, rejoicing. I felt a smile come across my face and thanksgiving fill my heart - my grandma is home. The ache that we still live with, the ache to be complete and at rest, is gone for her. She is complete and in the sweet presence of Jesus. I hope that if you read this that doesn't sound cliche or like a Christian platitude because I mean it with all my heart. She is not sitting on a cloud playing a harp, she is free. It is the happiest day of her life. In all honesty, I am jealous. I long to be in the presence of my God, to be home. It is the hope and joy and longing of my heart every day - even when I don't feel it.

My Grandma was an amazing woman. Her faith in the Lord was a rarity. Unswerving, wholly devoted and untouchable. She experienced her share of sorrows and hardships, but that made her faith sweeter. She was a picture of a woman who faced poverty, hardship and spiritual attack and still stands by her Lord, testifying to His goodness and faithfulness. Her prayers were filled with the authority of the Lord and a sense of absolute trust. My Grandma knew her God. She walked with Him, talked with Him, depended on Him, fell on Him, rejoiced in Him, trusted Him. I want to be like my Grandma. I thank God for her and for my Grandpa and my mom's brothers and sisters and my cousins. My grandparents have left quite a legacy...I only hope that I will carry it on.

I'm sure grief will hit me later...I can already feel the heaviness setting in. But I will take great comfort and joy in the knowledge that she is with her Lord and friend and that I will someday see her again - when I am made complete in Him.

My Creator and Me

2005-11-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you." Psalm 139:1-18

Although this entire passage is wonderful, I've bolded my favorite parts. The knowledge that I have been created, knit together and formed, has never been sweeter to me than it has been in the past couple of years. Being created means I have a Creator. And having a Creator means I am known - deeply, intimately and thoroughly. I am understood, even more than I can understand myself. I have come to cling to these scriptures in this season of soul searching and questioning. When the world, friends, family and my own mind throw different messages at me on who I am supposed to be, I am often easily overwhelmed. The one voice I trust is the voice of the one who created me. Who better than He to tell me who I am to be, what I was created for? I run to Him often with desperation and frustration, longing for all the voices and questions to cease and to hear only His voice of assurance and comfort. It is a beautiful picture - the Creator shaping and leading His creation - me. I trust no one but Him, look to no one but Him.

I found myself praying last week that the Lord would lead me in who He has created me to be, surrendering and admitting that only in living my life engulfed in Him will I ever be whole. I want nothing other than what He has for me. And as I prayed that, I sensed Him meet with me. I knew my prayers were heard. Better yet, I knew to expect an answer. And He has been calling my heart forth little by little, freeing me of misconceptions and making me more able to worship Him and proclaim His goodness with joy as He reaffirms who I am in Him.

May the Creator of your heart, mind and soul be whispering His loving intentions for your life to you and may you have the humility and desire to hear. I would want for every believer to catch the beauty and wonder of becoming the person God has created you to be. A soul captivated by His love and longing to answer His call. May the desire and passion be awakened within you.

"The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m

Chorus:Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m.."
by: Michael W. Smith

Inspiration

2005-11-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

My pastor send this out in his weekly email. I really liked it - especially the description of the morning before the day sets in. My drive in to work is one of my favorite times of the day. The sun is coming up, everything really is still quiet. The air is crisp and invigorating. I find myself energized and filled with joy for the day the moment I step out of the door. So much of my attitude really is a choice. At times, many of the choices listed below can be difficult. It inspired me, I hope it inspires you as well.

EACH DAY I CHOOSE – by Max Lucado

"It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I’ll be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.

I CHOOSE LOVE…
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…The tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE…
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS…
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS…
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS…
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My spouse will not question my love. And my children will never fear that this parent will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it only be of myself. I am a spiritual being…after this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest." (From his book, When God Whispers Your Name).

Thanks - Times 2

2005-11-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have a big thanks to offer to two people: God and a wonderful friend - Josh.

Thank you #1: God. He is so good at leading me into new places of freedom and rest. As many of you know, I have wrestled for the past few years with intense feelings of failure and inadequacy. In the past few months I have just stopped dwelling on it and tried to live life as usual. I was doing pretty good and then, well you know how it goes, something - a conversation, a chapter in a book, a sermon, an emotional eruption - brings it all up again. I am grateful, I don't like to leave things lying undealt with. But sometimes, I think time has to pass before it can be faced with truth and confidence. I can always tell when He is working in me and I've come to expect these moments of deliverance and revelation. It's never anything showy, rarely super emotional - always a mental switch, a simple "ah ha" moment. I thank God with all my desperate and needy heart for His faithfulness in bringing me to a place of life and freedom. He is simple, His wisdom is pure and freeing, His truth - simply is. I love that. It just simply is. Take it or leave it. He works in many ways. One of those ways has many times been the reason for my thank you #2....

Thank you #2: Josh. A mark of a true friend is one who will speak truth to you regardless of how much it might hurt and frustrate the other person. A person who sees the weaknesses and faults in the other and still stands by them and a person who sees your heart. Josh is a true friend. I sometimes feel like he understands me better than I do. He sees the real me, he sees my heart and helps me stay true to that when my emotions, doubts and frustrations take me on a roller coaster ride. I can't thank God or him enough for that blessing. I've come to trust his wisdom and heart and to be eager to hear what he has to say. Josh, you're a blessing and I am very thankful for the Lord bringing our paths together.

In a whole new light

2005-10-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was reading the bible online today and came across a verse that I didn't fully understand. So I emailed a wise old man I work with for help and he pointed me to a commentary. The verse was 2 Corinthians 5:21 and this was the commentary:

"For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him."--2 Corinthians 5:21
Mourning Christian! why weepest thou? Art thou mourning over thine own corruptions? Look to thy perfect Lord, and remember, thou art complete in Him; thou art in God's sight as perfect as if thou hadst never sinned; nay, more than that, the Lord our Righteousness hath put a divine garment upon thee, so that thou hast more than the righteousness of man--thou hast the righteousness of God. O Thou who art mourning by reason of inbred sin and depravity, remember, none of thy sins can condemn thee. Thou hast learned to hate sin; but thou hast learned also to know that sin is not thine--it was laid upon Christ's head. Thy standing is not in thyself--it is in Christ; thine acceptance is not in thyself, but in thy Lord; thou art as much accepted of God to-day, with all thy sinfulness, as thou wilt be when thou standest before His throne, free from all corruption. O, I beseech thee, lay hold on this precious thought, perfection in Christ! For thou art "complete in Him." With thy Saviour's garment on, thou art holy as the Holy one. "Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us." Christian, let thy heart rejoice, for thou art "accepted in the beloved"--what hast thou to fear? Let thy face ever wear a smile; live near thy Master; live in the suburbs of the Celestial City; for soon, when thy time has come, thou shalt rise up where thy Jesus sits, and reign at His right hand; and all this because the divine Lord "was made to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him."

Yes, it's in a bit of an older language, but the meaning is still clear. The part that pierced me and filled me with shame and sorrow was this: "...but thou hast learned also to know that sin is not thine--it was laid upon Christ's head." I know that Christ died for my sins and that my sins were heaped on Him. But I had always pictured it as being a one-time deal. He was covered with my sin (cause enough for sorrow) on the cross, yes. But it doesn't stop there. Each time I sin, each time I disobey I am crucifying Him all over again. I am heaping sin on Him yet again, as He is the only One who can take it away. When I think of it in this new light - it grieves me. It is also very difficult for me to let go of my sin. It was my action, I should pay the consequences. It is extremely difficult to accept the knowledge that Christ wants to take it from me. I don't want to let it go, it's mine. That is probably rooted in pride, most everything is I am coming to realize.

I hate to admit that it can become all too easy to take God's grace for granted. I never want to abuse it, but I lose the deep appreciation for what He has done and the significance of His sacrifice. It's good to get a reminder.

Friday Funny

2005-09-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

A lady I work with sent me this today. I loved it - it vocalizes my feelings toward some of the emails that find their way to my inbox very well....

Have a super Friday...I MOVE OUT TO MY OWN PLACE TOMORROW!!! It'll be a great weekend for me. Cheers!

Thanks to all of you.....

I want to thank all of you who took the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Article on New Orleans

2005-09-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

Our country needs prayer...this article broke my heart as I read more about the biggest disaster in New Orleans - the disaster of American citizens turning on each other in a time of crisis....

The article speaks for itself.

An Unnatural Disaster: A Hurricane Exposes the Man-Made Disaster of the Welfare State
Sep 02, 2005 by Robert Tracinski

It has taken four long days for state and federal officials to figure out how to deal with the disaster in New Orleans. I can't blame them, because it has also taken me four long days to figure out what is going on there. The reason is that the events there make no sense if you think that we are confronting a natural disaster.
If this is just a natural disaster, the response for public officials is obvious: you bring in food, water, and doctors; you send transportation to evacuate refugees to temporary shelters; you send engineers to stop the flooding and rebuild the city's infrastructure. For journalists, natural disasters also have a familiar pattern: the heroism of ordinary people pulling together to survive; the hard work and dedication of doctors, nurses, and rescue workers; the steps being taken to clean up and rebuild.
Public officials did not expect that the first thing they would have to do is to send thousands of armed troops in armored vehicle, as if they are suppressing an enemy insurgency. And journalists--myself included--did not expect that the story would not be about rain, wind, and flooding, but about rape, murder, and looting.
But this is not a natural disaster. It is a man-made disaster.
The man-made disaster is not an inadequate or incompetent response by federal relief agencies, and it was not directly caused by Hurricane Katrina. This is where just about every newspaper and television channel has gotten the story wrong.
The man-made disaster we are now witnessing in New Orleans did not happen over the past four days. It happened over the past four decades. Hurricane Katrina merely exposed it to public view.
The man-made disaster is the welfare state.
For the past few days, I have found the news from New Orleans to be confusing. People were not behaving as you would expect them to behave in an emergency--indeed, they were not behaving as they have behaved in other emergencies. That is what has shocked so many people: they have been saying that this is not what we expect from America. In fact, it is not even what we expect from a Third World country.
When confronted with a disaster, people usually rise to the occasion. They work together to rescue people in danger, and they spontaneously organize to keep order and solve problems. This is especially true in America. We are an enterprising people, used to relying on our own initiative rather than waiting around for the government to take care of us. I have seen this a hundred times, in small examples (a small town whose main traffic light had gone out, causing ordinary citizens to get out of their cars and serve as impromptu traffic cops, directing cars through the intersection) and large ones (the spontaneous response of New Yorkers to September 11).
So what explains the chaos in New Orleans?
To give you an idea of the magnitude of what is going on, here is a description from a Washington Times story:
"Storm victims are raped and beaten; fights erupt with flying fists, knives and guns; fires are breaking out; corpses litter the streets; and police and rescue helicopters are repeatedly fired on.
"The plea from Mayor C. Ray Nagin came even as National Guardsmen poured in to restore order and stop the looting, carjackings and gunfire....
"Last night, Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco said 300 Iraq-hardened Arkansas National Guard members were inside New Orleans with shoot-to- kill orders.
" 'These troops are...under my orders to restore order in the streets,' she said. 'They have M-16s, and they are locked and loaded. These troops know how to shoot and kill and they are more than willing to do so if necessary and I expect they will.' "
The reference to Iraq is eerie. The photo that accompanies this article shows National Guard troops, with rifles and armored vests, riding on an armored vehicle through trash-strewn streets lined by a rabble of squalid, listless people, one of whom appears to be yelling at them. It looks exactly like a scene from Sadr City in Baghdad.
What explains bands of thugs using a natural disaster as an excuse for an orgy of looting, armed robbery, and rape? What causes unruly mobs to storm the very buses that have arrived to evacuate them, causing the drivers to drive away, frightened for their lives? What causes people to attack the doctors trying to treat patients at the Super Dome?
Why are people responding to natural destruction by causing further destruction? Why are they attacking the people who are trying to help them?
My wife, Sherri, figured it out first, and she figured it out on a sense-of-life level. While watching the coverage last night on Fox News Channel, she told me that she was getting a familiar feeling. She studied architecture at the Illinois Institute of Chicago, which is located in the South Side of Chicago just blocks away from the Robert Taylor Homes, one of the largest high-rise public housing projects in America. "The projects," as they were known, were infamous for uncontrollable crime and irremediable squalor. (They have since, mercifully, been demolished.)
What Sherri was getting from last night's television coverage was a whiff of the sense of life of "the projects." Then the "crawl"--the informational phrases flashed at the bottom of the screen on most news channels--gave some vital statistics to confirm this sense: 75% of the residents of New Orleans had already evacuated before the hurricane, and of the 300,000 or so who remained, a large number were from the city's public housing projects. Jack Wakeland then gave me an additional, crucial fact: early reports from CNN and Fox indicated that the city had no plan for evacuating all of the prisoners in the city's jails--so they just let many of them loose. There is no doubt a significant overlap between these two populations--that is, a large number of people in the jails used to live in the housing projects, and vice versa.
There were many decent, innocent people trapped in New Orleans when the deluge hit--but they were trapped alongside large numbers of people from two groups: criminals--and wards of the welfare state, people selected, over decades, for their lack of initiative and self- induced helplessness. The welfare wards were a mass of sheep--on whom the incompetent administration of New Orleans unleashed a pack of wolves.
All of this is related, incidentally, to the apparent incompetence of the city government, which failed to plan for a total evacuation of the city, despite the knowledge that this might be necessary. But in a city corrupted by the welfare state, the job of city officials is to ensure the flow of handouts to welfare recipients and patronage to political supporters--not to ensure a lawful, orderly evacuation in case of emergency.
No one has really reported this story, as far as I can tell. In fact, some are already actively distorting it, blaming President Bush, for example, for failing to personally ensure that the Mayor of New Orleans had drafted an adequate evacuation plan. The worst example is an execrable piece from the Toronto Globe and Mail, by a supercilious Canadian who blames the chaos on American "individualism." But the truth is precisely the opposite: the chaos was caused by a system that was the exact opposite of individualism.
What Hurricane Katrina exposed was the psychological consequences of the welfare state. What we consider "normal" behavior in an emergency is behavior that is normal for people who have values and take the responsibility to pursue and protect them. People with values respond to a disaster by fighting against it and doing whatever it takes to overcome the difficulties they face. They don't sit around and complain that the government hasn't taken care of them. They don't use the chaos of a disaster as an opportunity to prey on their fellow men.
But what about criminals and welfare parasites? Do they worry about saving their houses and property? They don't, because they don't own anything. Do they worry about what is going to happen to their businesses or how they are going to make a living? They never worried about those things before. Do they worry about crime and looting? But living off of stolen wealth is a way of life for them.
The welfare state--and the brutish, uncivilized mentality it sustains and encourages--is the man-made disaster that explains the moral ugliness that has swamped New Orleans. And that is the story that no one is reporting.

Selflessness

2005-08-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Selflessness: Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish.

Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will."

Josh and I discussed selflessness last night and for me, I felt like a breath of fresh air flowed by me, filling me with joy and freedom. In America, I think we often times miss out on the gift - and yes, I do mean gift - of having to sacrifice and live selflessly. Where there is plenty, it is often too easy to become satisifed and complacent, to become protective and obsessed with the blessings we have. We want to do well, we want to succeed in the eyes of the world. Ok, I'll make it more personal. I want to do well, I want to be successful in the eyes of the world. That's where someone should yell, "Whoa! Hold up, stop the tape. Back up, rewind - ok, stop. 'Eyes of the world??' Stephanie, what are you thinking??" Am I living for the approval of man or of God? God's approval always requires humility and selflessness. His measuring stick is very different from the measuring stick of the world. Again, I find that I am imprisoned by my clinging to the pursuit of things that I want instead of living for the edification of others and the glorification of Christ. There is a freedom in knowing I can let go and trust the Lord to meet the desires of my heart. I am then free to live in loving and serving Him and others without the burden of trying to make sure my desires are filled. I confess I have really struggled with that - probably will all my life. But God has been steadily building in me the knowledge, the HEART knowledge, that life is found in giving my life away.

Crazy, isn't it? It makes no sense when you say it. By giving, you are satisfied. By dieing, you live. By surrendering, you are freed. The pattern of this world is selfishness, look out for your best interest. But the transformed heart seeks loving others, giving selflessly. We are afraid to let go because we're afraid of no one giving in return. Sadly, this is too often true in our society. We are too busy, so scattered and too comfortable. Now, I don't want to generalize or insinuate that we're all horrid, selfish people. I don't believe that at all. Just that I think we are too often missing out on the joy of living in service to others. When we lay down our treasures and sacrifice the desires of our heart, we allow God to provide for us - to be the provider. In other words, we experience God in a more intimate way. It's no wonder there is a lack of joy and life in so many Christians in America. Where there is no sense of need, there is no desperation and therefore no deep sense of gratitude or wonder at God's provision. To me, this is something to grieve over. However, I know that I can find joy and gratitude in the spiritual life that God gives me every day. When I am surrounded by mundane tasks, He is the life and the joy that I so desperately need. This is enough to keep me at His feet.

I wish everyone could have heard Josh's heart last night. If we could all catch the vision he has, our little community would be transformed. I believe we can - how can we apply Acts 2 to our current culture? What would that look like? It's a beautiful picture...I pray God stirs in the hearts of people the desire to live in such a way.

Just some thoughts...

2005-08-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Here are a few thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head while I sit here at work. I often find my thoughts straying from the details in front of me to deeper things....

1.) Have you noticed that when you make your desires the object of your pursuit, they always seem just outside your reach? And when you do seem to grasp them, they don't satisfy you the way you thought they would? I'm noticing this. My desires happen to be emotional - wanting to feel happy, joyful, at peace. When I start to live my life in pursuit of these things, they elude me. I may be searching for them in good and right things, but I am then using those good and right things to gain something that they were not meant to supply. It is very difficult for me to remember that my life, every day, is to be lived only for the purpose of honoring and loving my Lord. That He is my life and joy. When I make this my sole pursuit, I find that I am filled with those very things I have been missing because HE IS THOSE THINGS. When I seek Christ, I find Him because He is faithful to reveal Himself to a heart truly seeking Him. Everyone relies on external things for security to some degree, even when we don't realize it. I'm not beating myself up for it, just recognizing and grieving that I am so quick to forget. He is our prize, the ultimate and only thing worth living for. He is the one we should be willing to make sacrifices for - sacrifices of time, money, adoration and submission. Yet another thing I need to tattoo to my forehead. :) If I really did that, my forhead be completely covered by now...

2.) And, it's 3:15 and I got so caught up in what I just wrote that I don't remember the other thoughts I had....sheesh. More to come...maybe.

Until only Christ remains...

2005-08-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

I have often pondered the knowledge that as a Christian, God is steadily working on me to strip away all that is of myself so that only that which is of Him will remain. It is the longing of my heart, more at times than at others. It's a beautiful picture to me - a submissive heart that He has created allowing itself to be molded and shaped into what it was created to be. I dreamed of it and asked God to shape me.

Then I started to experience it - lol. I'm laughing in irony as I write this because this is so often how it goes. The Lord grows in my heart a desire for some development in my spiritual life and I ask for it, long for it. Then it hits and, in all honesty, it often sucks for awhile. It hurts, it's frustrating and it throws my world upside down more often than not. For example, I read the following email from a coworker today:

"Been Thinking About: Misplaced Trust"
If God is good, but good isn't God, how do we avoid making some of our worst mistakes with the best things in life?

In an effort to clarify the problem of misplaced trust, what if we said to our hearts: Love God, but don't depend on your love for Him. Seek to know Him, but don't rely on your own understanding. Make it your purpose to serve Him, but don't ever imagine that He's indebted to your service. Make it your objective to please Him, but don't depend on your own efforts to do so.

Listen to your conscience, but don't depend on your own ability to discern right from wrong. Plan your way, but don't presume to know what's ahead.
Seek good relationships, but don't depend on good relationships. Try to find the company of wise people, but don't stake your life on their counsel. Know the Word of God, but don't make a god of your knowledge. Surround yourself with good teachers, but don't idolize them. Feel sorrow for your sin, but don't count on your sorrow to assure rightness with God.
Count your money and manage it well, but don't suppose that any amount of money can secure safety or satisfaction. Establish budgets to discipline your use of resources, but don't depend on your budgets. Work hard, but don't depend on your work.

Sacrifice for the sake of others, but don't depend on your sacrifice. Be generous, but don't depend on your generosity. Seek to be self-disciplined, but don't rely on your own self-discipline. Seek at all costs to be good, but don't rely on your own goodness or godliness.

Be clever, but don't depend on your cleverness. Seek to be wise, but don't trust your wisdom. Try to understand yourself and others, but don't lean on your own communication skills.

Be kind, but don't rely on your kindness. Love others, but don't be proud of your own love. Give gifts to others, but don't depend on your gifts to accomplish the intent for which you gave them. Work hard to be a peacemaker, but don't make peace into a god. Be faithful to others, but don't rely on your own faithfulness.

Seek to be successful, but don't bank on your own accomplishments. Try to be efficient, but don't rely on your own efficiency. Be careful, but don't depend on your own carefulness. Work to make good decisions, but don't depend on your own decisions. Develop a strategy, but don't count on your strategies. Set goals, but don't depend on your goals. Define clear and measurable objectives, but don't count on your objectives.

Pray, but don't make an idol out of your prayers. Make worship a priority, but don't depend on your worship. Know your spiritual gifts, but don't pin your faith on them.

Entrust yourself to others, but don't depend on others. Follow good leaders, but don't depend on good leaders. Surround yourself with good advisors, but don't rely on your advisors. Read good books, but don't depend on books. Value friendships, but don't depend on your friends. Be careful about your appearance, but don't rely on good looks. Try to stay healthy, but don't depend on your own efforts to be healthy. Enjoy rest, but don't live for your weekends. Exercise your body, but don't trust your exercise to assure well-being and health. Try to live a long life, but don't count on a long life.

Enjoy good times, but don't depend on good times. Be thankful for today's provisions, but don't lean on these provisions for tomorrow.

Value a good education, but don't worship education. Learn from your mistakes, but don't depend on what you've learned. Use technology, but don't depend on technology. Invest your money wisely, but don't count on your investments.

Try to think clearly, but don't depend on your own thoughts. Try to reason logically, but don't be conceited about your own thoughtfulness. Value your accomplishments, but don't become puffed up over them.

Honor your parents, but don't live for your parents' approval. Love your children, but don't make gods of them. Enjoy your grandchildren. Pray for them. Give them your love and example. But don't tie your hopes and dreams to their choices.

Father, help us to hear You when You urge the wise not to trust in their wisdom, nor the strong to depend on their strength. Help us to hear You when You invite us to rely on this and this alone that we know You, the everlasting God (Jeremiah 9:23-24). Teach us, Father, to trust what You have done for us through the undeserved provisions of Your Spirit, Your Son, and Your grace.

And help us to hear your servant when he lovingly writes, The Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols (1 John 5:20-21).

If you're at all like me, your head aches after reading this. I have been long battling the frustration of wanting to make plans for the future and set out with confidence and excitement, but I always feel like my balloon is deflated when I consider the knowledge that God's plans prevail and He can change them at any moment. How can I possibly move out with confidence and excitement when I have no clue what lies ahead? My plans may not see tomorrow, it's all in God's hands. And that's where I guess the main point comes in: All in God's hands. I would like to say that I can say that and be happy as a clam....but I can't. I actually really dislike not being able to look into the future and say with any certainty that I know what it will look like. I'm a planner, a think-aheader, if you will. And after reading this, I find that these mental struggles I've been having are undoubtedly yet another part of God's shaping and removing of myself. It takes me awhile sometimes to recognize it as such. So I'm not messed up and indecisive...God is simply changing the base on which I place my trust for those decisions - moving it more towards Him.

My dear friend Carrie offered me some wonderful words of encouragement. She said that as time goes on and I learn more about who I am as a person and in Christ, my ability to make solid decisions will return. I never used to indecisive, then I got thrown into a major time of turmoil, confusion and self-doubt. I truly believe I'm coming out of that, for which I praise God with all my heart. It is hard to be known for indecisiveness when you know that is not the base of who you are. When YOU know that you are just going through a hard time, but those who haven't known you for that long only see you as you are now. It's been hard for me, but I believe with all my heart that I will come out of that time into a new place of trust, confidence and security in Christ.

In the mean time...the molding can hurt just a little.

Christ in a world of constant change and treasures in coffee shops.

2005-07-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

On my way to work today, I stopped off at the local Starbucks for a pick-me-up and ran into a man that is a regular patron. At first glance, you might think he was homeless. With long, stringy grey hair and a weathered, grizzly face and wearing biker clothes, he doesn't seem to fit in with the posh, yuppy atmosphere of America's favorite coffee shop. But there is something striking about this man. I often see him sitting with a man from church, discussing who knows what over a cup of steaming coffee. Sometimes he is by himself, sitting calmly with his legs crossed. Always he has a book and a cup of coffee. I love talking to him. I don't even know his name. I find that true treasures are often wrapped in packages that the world would look over. Any CEO or uppity-up would not look twice at this man. But upon speaking to him, there is a kindness and a depth in him that reveals the beauty of this man's heart. I don't know if he is a believer, something tells me he is. There is a far-off look to his face, like he is lost in another world.

He shared a book he has been reading with me today. It was called "The Art of Seeing" by Alduous Huxley. I'm glad I took the five minutes to chat with him before heading back out to my car. The book is non-fiction, describing different techniques that Alduous used to take proper care of his eyes - things like covering your eyes with your palms. Apparently, if you're sight is good, you'll see nothing but blackness. Another was looking right at the sun. Apparently Alduous claims that looking right at the sun is beneficial, not harmful as most people believe. As I drove away, it struck me how often this country claims one thing is beneficial to your health and five months later renigs the claim with research findings linking the product to some horrible disease. We cannot make up our minds about anything. Now, I know it is a constant process of learning and changing. But if you're like me, this nebulous mess of information makes me rather cynical and tired of trying to eat right, make sure I have the right amount of whatever or that I don't use this product. And of course, being the person I am, I jump to the spiritual nebulousness that our country is trapped in. The enemy is constantly throwing new juicy temptations our way: Try this, satisfaction guaranteed. Oh, you know you should do that, it will solve all your problems. If you could just get that job, you'd be SOMEbody. We get sent on a wild goose chase, following promise after promise.

The whole time, the one answer is always standing there. Constant, unchanging, offering true life. Wholeness, joy and peace. Nothing pollutes Him, darkness cannot touch Him. Even as I write this, I feel the incredible wonder of it all. Christ is the answer, the one constant in our crazy, rat-race world. If we allow our whirlwind to stop, if those seeking for answers would quiet themselves and truly seek truth, it would lead to the Savior of the world.

If you are seeking and have not found the life you are looking for, may I suggest the Christ of the bible? The life I am referring to is not the life that consists of outward details - these things are fleeting and as unconstant as the conflicting messages I was talking about. The life I am referring to is LIFE, Christ himself - springing up from deep within you, renewing, changing. Giving hope, joy and fullness. Allow your spirit to hunger, to long, to ache. Follow this ache, and see where it leads you. The message He gives you will never change, His promises and words hold true throughout the ages.

I never would have followed this path in my thoughts without the man in Starbucks and his book. So, thanks to the nameless man for sharing the little bit from his world.

Voice of the Martyrs

2005-06-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

While sitting here at work with not much to do, I decided to at least be spending my time reading something worthwhile. I have the Voice of the Martyrs Website added to my favorites, so I went there to catch up on the news of what fellow believers are being exposed to around the world. Reading about Chinese Christians being arrested for meeting together to worship tends to put things slightly in perspective and to remind me that life as a Christian in most parts of our world literally demands the lives of those that would follow. It seems so far removed and I've heard the stories and seen the videos so much that in all honesty, it's really easy for me to read it and then just glaze over. What can I do? They give you the option of writing to the Chinese embassy in DC. It's worth a try. You can also write to prisoners via the following Website: www.prisoneralert.com.

While I sit all cozy and comfortable in my office, I can at least send some encouraging words to those that are truly suffering for the name of our Lord. Many of these people sing with hearts full of joyous surrender and not even their dismal circumstances can stop them - they in fact probably increase their joy. God's presence is always amazingly strong with those that are suffering for His name. Imagine the intimacy of His presence being with you at a time like that. What would I be like if I were to be incarcerated for my faith? I would like to believe that I would willingly and trustfully go...but I'm afraid I'm spoiled. I've never really experienced any hardships - nothing has been taken from me, I haven't been hurt physically by others for my faith. What would the song in my heart be if things I loved were taken from me because of my faith in the Lord? Would I be angry? Or would I praise Him who gives and takes away, recognizing that He is my ultimate prize and I have everything if I have Him? One can only hope....

So if you would like to make some little bit of difference, I encourage you to check out this site: http://www.persecution.com/?CFID=1111739&CFTOKEN=86032730.

God bless you with a broken and needy heart that is utterly dependent on Him.

Rest

2005-06-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

My God is real....and He loves me. I have been feeling like I'm in a swirling mess of confusion and frustration, trying to make sense of my life and wrestling with some deep fears and insecurities. This morning I was feeling at my end. I couldn't go on with it anymore and wanted to give up on everything and run away. I was tired and feeling like I was running on my own strength and that was rapidly running out. All I could do was pray emotionless and desperate prayers of faith, trying to wring every last drop of hope out of my usual verses. I have been waiting. It's hard at times to believe that He is truly still working on my behalf and there are times I wonder if I will ever be at a time where I am at peace with myself and my life again. But God knows when we need Him

I was sitting at work when I suddenly felt this amazing peace and freedom and HOPE fill me. My God heard the cries of my heart and I felt like He was answering with strong Fatherly love, "My daughter, be at rest. I love you and I have plans to fill your life with joy." I went to the waterfront and felt my aching heart screaming and drinking in the assurance I felt Him filling me with. I cried as I poured out the frustrations I have been feeling. I was tired of waiting, I couldn't wait anymore. I wrote this morning as I journaled that I was tired of living in waiting mode. I wanted joy now. I wanted, NEEDED, freedom now, love and security now. And He answered me by giving me precious time enveloped in His love and presence. Again, my circumstances haven't changed and I don't necessarily have any more clarity than I did this morning, but God cares enough about me to surprise me in the middle of a sunny Friday at work by showing up just to say "I love you" and to hold me in His arms. I need His love so much, am desperate for it. And He gives it in ways I need right when I need it.

Be Still and Know
By: Steven Curtis Chapman

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
Know that He will never change
Be Still....

Be still
And know that He is God
Be still
And know that He is God
Be still
And know that He is God
Be still, be speechless

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rythmn of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones, calling each of us to come
Be still, Be still

Be careful what you pray for

2005-06-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am finding that whenever I go to the Lord with a prayer and that prayer is really a complaint, basically whining for Him to fix a situation or make things better/easier, the answer is almost never given in the form of changed circumstances. Instead, I begin to sense His spirit pointing at attitudes in my heart and things that I am clinging to. Oh, you mean I need to change?? Come on, God, you don't really mean that do you? Surely the plans I have laid out for my life, all the details, are really what is best for me? Yeah...no.

It's a hard and humbling thing to have things turned back around on you like that. The theme for me has seemed to be "wait." Now it's turning to "let go." He's always so gentle, so loving and so faithful. I know that in the midst of my tantrums He's firmly unrelenting but always loving. Amazing, isn't it? That we have a God who will not back down from what needs to be done, but will patiently walk us through and never leave us? I love that about Him. As hard as it is sometimes and as much as I want to run, I'm gateful to know there is Someone who never changes and is always there to show me the way. I'm desperate for it, I can't live without it. I know He is wanting me to learn how to follow Him and His spirit and not to look at my circumstances to define who I am. But it is so hard. I feel disconnected and alone a lot of the time, even though I know I'm not. At New Song the pastor spoke on self-sufficiency and independence keeping us in a box. We can be in a crowd of people or even married and still feel lonely. I know a lot of my problem is my fault. I've handled this time in a completely wrong manner. I've tried to hole myself away and not give fully of myself. All it's done is made me selfish and cranky. Through all the times I've cried out on my knees, desperate for fulfillment and joy, excitement and purpose, God has not once changed my circumstances. It's been me that has changed. I'm still a definite work in progress. I am now dating Josh, who is an awesome guy, by the way, and it's funny how a relationship is forcing up areas that I have walled myself off. It's not comfortable for me, in fact it's downright irritating sometimes. But it's needed.

So, in closing - be careful what you pray for. If your heart is open and truly wanting to walk closer with God, He'll answer. And it's often by beginning to remove pieces of you so more of Him can show through. But it's worth it - and it's the only way to live.

Family

2005-05-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful weekend. I spent all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday working with an amazing team of people from my church to bless one of the ladies that goes to our church. We had our own mini Extreme Makeover - Home Edition. We sent this wonderful gal to a bed and breakfast while a team of about twenty people - give or take a few - worked like mad to make her home a haven. Bathrooms were gutted and redone, leaky fridge was fixed, kitchen floor was replaced and the entire interior -minus bedrooms - was completely painted. Part of the team was outside working like crazy to beautify the yard. We discovered an entire concrete slab that was underneath what we thought was a mess of weeds and tall grass. That was pressure washed and cleared away as well as the porches, flower beds were cleared and planted and the roof was de-mossed. Since she loves Mexico, some of the gals went to Joanne's and did the kitchen in a Mexican motif and is now her favorite room. I'm telling ya' it was SO fun to hurry and scurry that last hour before she came back trying to get all the little details taken care of. The rush and the excitement of seeing all your hard work come together and the anticipation of seeing her reaction when she came back combined with the pressure of getting it done BEFORE she came provided the extra boost of adrenaline that I'm sure was much need all around.

When she was finally allowed into the house I couldn't help but laugh. An entire team of tired workers was gathered at the top of the stairs staring down with cheesy grins and moist eyes as she came in. What a beautiful thing to be a part of. To give you some background, this woman had lost her husband, father and brother all within the same year. When her house started falling apart, she had thought she would have to move and had reached the point of giving up - then God stepped in by moving in the hearts of a few people to get the project going. This is the church, this is what we are supposed to be. Christ's body moving in love and help in times of need. It was a little crazy at times, a tad chaotic with bodies rushing all over the place. But to me, that's half the fun. I got to chat with people I would not have had a chance to get to know otherwise.

Today I am sore and tired (part of the tired part is completely my fault for not getting to bed on time), but it feels so good. It's great when we live out what we are created to do - worship and love. We come alive and God is there. I'm looking forward to many more projects like this!

Shattered - In a Good Way

2005-05-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

How do you explain the feeling you have when you received the last little piece you needed to let a wall tumble down that you painstakingly built? The mortar has been chipped and cracked over the months with moments where God's faithfulness and unconditional love were made undeniably clear to me. With just one "I love you, Stephanie" another piece of the wall crumbles to the ground. Rays of light began to peek through the wall into the darkness that had been hiding behind it as more and more of my heart was reclaimed by my Savior, the relentless lover of my soul. Some defenses are high and thick, this was one of them. I have wrestled with God for a couple years, yearning to be whole again and at the same time, unable to fully open myself to Him. I kept clinging to a memory of being by myself at night, sobbing in my bed, begging for God to let me know that He was there, that He cared. I felt nothing but empty silence and part of my soul died in that moment. I felt it lock up, shut down. The wall went up and more and more bricks and layers were added as I walked through one of the darkest times of my life. I had given my entire life, heart and soul to this God who had seemingly abandoned me. I wasn't going to let that happen again. But...my defenses, my anger and stubbornness are absolutely no match for the power and might of the love of my God. He never stops pursuing, He never changes. Through all the pain and anger I was holding my spirit never stopped crying out for Him. I am nothing unless I am completely consumed by Jesus Christ. But then there was that wall....

Sunday night I went to New Song, a wonderful church in Tacoma that is filled with the annointing and power of God. It was structured differently with dramas instead of a sermon. The last monologue was a man speaking about The Roar. He used to be a roar for Jesus, passionately surrendering and worshipping in joyful obedience, consumed with the desire to evangelize in His name. I felt my heart screaming inside of me with ache and longing - that used to be me, too. I'd been silenced, put in a corner - and it was my fault. That's what broke me, the realization that I had given up. I had let go. I sobbed as my friend prayed with me - I didn't want to give up anymore. I wanted to stand back up, I wanted to venture forward. But I didn't know what to do. I went down for prayer expecting God to tell me what I was doing wrong, what I needed to cut out of my life. Instead, all I heard was, "You're exactly where you're supposed to be, and God is so pleased with you." The women who prayed for me spoke words that were so in line with my struggles that I can't but believe that the Lord was speaking through them. I was also told that during that time I felt abandoned, He was holding me. As we closed the prayer time, I let go of my desire to hold that wall up. I was tired of it, I couldn't live this way anymore - it's torture to long for the Lord's presence and at the same time not allowing yourself to surrender to it. The anger and defensiveness that made up the mortar that kept the bricks glued together was dissolved. The bricks were chipped and cracked with chunks missing, my wall was crumbling, weak. Then came the final blow...

I went to my counseling session yesterday and left with an amazing new truth that is still transforming me and changing the way my heart responds to my God. He pointed me to three different scriptures:

1 John 5:11-13 and 20

"And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life."

Romans 6:3-14

"Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."

Ephesians 2:6

"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus."

At first I had no idea what in the world my counselor was driving at. We were talking about surrender and suddenly I'm reading verses about Christ's death and what it means for us. I wasn't following. Then it hit...through reading these verses and under his guidance, I pieced together the facts. Christ HIMSELF is eternal life. Through His death I was put to death in my sinful nature, set free. It was eradicated, done away with - miracle number one. Through His resurrection, I was raised IN HIM as a new creation. Here's where it gets really good. I am united in Him, made one. Further, God raised me up with Jesus and seated me IN Jesus at His right hand. Because I am IN Jesus and Jesus is IN me, I am with God at all times because Jesus is ever at His right hand, interceding for me. The trinity - I'm part of it, mixed in with it, one with it. I get it, and it floors me. THIS is completion, that I am made one with the mighty God of the universe...my heart is filled with such awe, joy and humility that I don't even know how to react. I want to cry, laugh, fall to my knees and dance at the same time. This is what I was created for...why would such a mighty God choose to love me and want to be one with ME?? That's when the wall crumbled. If I am in Christ and He in me, then there is no possible way that He wasn't there that night I felt so alone. No possible way, He had to of been there, because we're one. This knowledge renders me speechless. All I can do is sit here and let my heart soak it in. I'm stunned with the magnitude of what this knowledge means for me. Everything I have is His and everything He has is mine. There is nothing for me to surrender because nothing I have is mine - it's OURS. The riches of His mercy, wisdom and grace are mine. Just because I believe, just because I accept His sacrifice and choose to follow His way. I definitely got the better end of the deal.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing can separate me because I am ONE with Him. Oh believer, if you are reading this I pray with all my heart that you grasp the wonder of this fact. That you are ONE with the mighty God of the universe. Not you living, but now HIM living in you. This is the best news anyone could ever ask for. May He open the eyes of your heart to see.

Contentment

2005-05-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but contentment has been hard for me to come by the past couple of years. Idealic expectations have been clashing pretty hard with reality and it's been making kind of a mental mess for me. But, praise God, I believe I am beginning to come through. I no longer stress or worry about whether or not I am missing out on where I am supposed to be because I have been able to embrace what God has for me here. I don't constantly ask God if I'm doing something He doesn't like because I believe (more and more) He is always there for me when I call Him and isn't going to play tricks on me. I'm not afraid He is going to suddenly rip things away from me because He has shown me that through His LOVE I am led into His arms. His love for me is often shown through His blessings. Progress is being made - YES! (Picture the "YES" being said the way Napolean Dynamite says it when he guesses the right extra ingredient in the milk samples during Pedro's campaign.)

I don't dread my days at work but try to remember (just being completely honest here - "try") to look forward to the small ways that God reveals Himself each day. I love the ways He whispers to my heart a love that is so strong and true, so unconditional and patient that it breaks down any walls I may have had up and sets me free to rest in His palm. I then have the security I need to face the world not with fake smiles but with true love and compassion - to open my heart to others when all I may have wanted to do is hide behind Him like a little child peeking from behind their daddy's legs (which I'm not ashamed to say, I've done - with God, that is).

All this helps me to rest, to be content. Knowing that God is ok with me right here - that He fully accepts me. It is an acceptance with intention of ever molding, ever perfecting and sharpening, but acceptance nonetheless.

Ok, it's "Confessions of a Nerd" time. I love to think up corny, Christian sayings. Yes, it's true. I always draw parallels in everything I see - nature, movies, music, etc. So, I was pondering the hardships of walking in the peace and contentment we are freed to walk in as Christians and I came up with this saying, "Perfect peace doesn't come from perfect circumstances, but from perfect trust." I may not have a clue when the desires of my heart will be fulfilled and all physical indicators may say it's hopeless, but the more I learn to trust, the more I am able to have peace. I know it will be ok. Putting that saying into practice is still in the works. I think it still will be when I die.

My counselor said something our last time together that struck me and convicted me.

Counselor: People with ideals rarely act on anything, people with vision often do. This was followed with a very pointed look over his glasses with eyebrows raised.

Me: What? What are you saying? >>sigh<< I know, I know....I have ideals but no real vision.

I've actually known this for quite awhile. I am beginning to learn more and more how very immature, unrealistic and naive I was even just two/three years ago, perhaps even just one year ago. I'm a dreamer, an idealist. I love to ponder how things would look if we could just do this....if the service would just be done like that....if, if, if. But lately, I've felt no real compunction, no drive, no VISION. K, time to pray for vision. But, also to be ok with where I'm at.

Right now, I'm content to do my job to the best of my ability, to work with my kids on Sunday mornings, go to my small group and participate in local outreaches. There is plenty of work to be done right here at home.

Ways To Keep Your Sanity

2005-04-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

I got this in my email this morning, I had a good laugh over it. I've bolded my favorite ones....Enjoy!

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
Sing Along At The Opera.
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

You Are Still Holy

2005-04-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs of all time....

You Are Still Holy

By: Kim Hill

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change

Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
To You

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
I belong to You

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
You are still holy
You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all-knowing
You are still holy

Amen.

Obscurity

2005-04-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

"We are all searching for significance in our lives, sometimes so much so we ignore the significant items that we have already found. Where was it that we were taught a "magic" formula and once we happen upon it, everything will suddenly be bright in our lives?

"Many times, we treat the bible as a soothsayer and believe that if we just hold tight to certain verses they will eventually wield a secret power. God's word, the bible is true in every word, and every word that God spoke to those authors is His and holds His incredible power. What we tend to forget is that those words in the bible are conditional upon our obedience.

"There was a boy named David born to a man named Jesse. David was the youngest of eight brothers. Being the youngest, David spent countless days in the fields watching his father's sheep. He must have had constant thoughts of what a worthless life God had planned for him. Regardless, David knew God in such an incredible way that eventually God used David to write a large portion of the bible.

"One day while David was watching the sheep, a brother called him to the house, and David returned to find all his brothers, his father, and a prophet of God named Samuel waiting for his return.

'And the Lord said, 'This is the one; anoint him.' So as David stood there among his brothers, Samuel took the olive oil he had brought and poured in on David's head. And the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him from that day forward.' 1 Samuel 16:13 (NLT)

"One minute David was just being obedient, watching his father's sheep in the field. The next minute, David was anointed by God as the next King of Israel. Obscurity in the pastures was David's training ground and God chose that place so He would have David's undivided attention. God has planned great significance for each of our lives; the challenge is allowing God to bring about that significance in His time.

"It is a challenge to live today for everything it is worth while making a note of the significance and wonder in which God has already surrounded our lives. Today will never come again, and you cannot go back and relive it. God will bring the rest of the significance to your life in His timing. Until then, live today for today. You will never get the chance to live it again."

Daily Wisdom from BibleGateway

Living from the Heart

2005-04-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

We are creatures of the heart. Intended for intimacy, openness and shared love. First and foremost with our Creator, of course, but also with those around us. I believe God uses our earthly relationships to prepare us for our relationship with Him. We learn vital lessons on sacrifice, selflessness and faithfulness in our relationships on earth. At least, we should. Too often our humanity gets in the way. But God is good and uses us even in our fallenness.

So what happens when we stop living from the heart? There are so many things that cause us to clam up and keep our deepest of hearts locked away from others. Hurt, bitterness, pride...the list can go on and on. But what I want to explore is not the cause, but the effect. What happens to us when the soft, innocent and impressionable core of our hearts is trampled, disillusioned and walked over? Because it will be. That's the nature of this world. Some manage to get through this life relatively unscarred, but never COMPLETELY without pain. Given the choice, I don't think many of us would want a perfect life. There's something completely inhuman about that thought. To have a perfect life would make us something we're not. It would take away the beauty of the hope we have for a better life to come and would deaden our appreciation for those rare moments of trascendant beauty we stumble upon from time to time. So, we do not want perfection, and so must learn how to handle the imperfections of this world, including how we will handle our heart.

I have been blessed with more than I deserve, so much more. I have a wonderful family, all of whom love the Lord. I have parents that through all the hard times they have experienced have stood by each other and decided to honor the vows they gave each other 24 years ago. I have had relatively few painful experiences with relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have always been blessed with at least one friend with whom I connect in the ways that are most important to me. But nevertheless, I have closed off my heart. Held it tight within my hands with no intention of letting it go until I had searched every possibility for hurt and pain - waiting for just the right circumstance: the right career, the right guy and the right place and time. Too bad for me, these perfect situations do not exist. So then I'm left with exposing my deepest of hearts to less than perfect situations, less than perfect people. That takes a lot of trust and an acceptance that I will get tossed around a bit. And that's where I stall.

I have been brought up with the mantra, "DON'T SETTLE FOR THE NORMAL LIFE - YOU WERE MEANT FOR MORE" lodged firmly inside my brain. I spent about six years intensely involved in a youth group whose main thrust was doing something great for the Lord. Go out and change your world for Christ!! While I am grateful for the way our youth pastor made our world so much bigger than your typical american life (which is NOT bad in and of itself - disclaimer), I sometimes wonder if it didn't also harm me? I have deeply wrestled with feelings of shame and disappointment as my life since graduation has failed to develop into this wildly exciting adventure. I have sensed the Lord redeeming me and filling me with His sense of worth and the knowledge that my uneventful little life is pleasing to Him. But it's not been easy for me to view myself that way.

I have long equated staying in Kitsap County as settling, going nowhere.
All this to say, I have been fighting tooth and nail to keep myself from settling here, from getting too attached, from allowing myself to get sidetracked (from what, I have no idea now). As a result, I withheld my heart. I deadened it to becoming attached here. In short, I made life a living hell for myself. I'm just now really starting to realize it and it's hard to overcome. I still have the deeply etched belief that living the normal life of a 40-hour/week job and doing church on the side is not what I want. I want God's work to be my life, no matter how hard it is. I am just currently confused on what that looks like. It could look like a 40-hour/week job with a family at home. God could fill that just as much as He fills the mission fields. As long as all these things are surrendered to Him and offered for His glory, He will use it. So, this long post to say I am going to try to live fully from my heart. That means opening it up. Odd how scary that is for me. But I'd rather risk and get hurt than not risk at all and only be living half-heartedly. I don't know where it will lead me. Maybe I'm truly not meant to stay here and that's why I've had such a hard time. Maybe there are some deep-seated beliefs that need to be rooted out. Who knows?

The Joy of the Resurrection

2005-03-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

Imagine growing up with an emptiness in your deepest of hearts. A black hole that seems to suck away all joy and happiness that life may bring and is never filled. You live each day searching for the answer in relationships, in career, in status. You're aching for the missing piece that you know, once found, would fit the shape of that hole perfectly. There would be no cracks, no crevices - you would be perfectly completed. Imagine you've been searching all your life and have never found it. Then you meet Him. He doesn't live like any other person you've known. He is unlike the religious leaders of the day who tout their knowledge from the street corners and and refuse to associate with sinners like you. This man rebukes them and touches lepers, both with His hands and with His love. He dines with sinners and associates with prostitutes. His eyes are filled with joy, fire, sorrow and a love so deep it pierces you. He looks into your face and you know he sees into the depths of your soul. Your heart breaks as you begin to weep, knowing what He would see there. Head bowed, you wait for the condemnation you know you deserve. But you feel a soft touch on your head and hear Him say in a voice tinged with tears of His own and filled with compassion, "Your sins are forgiven. Go in peace." And you know - you've found it, the missing piece. Or rather, He's found you. You begin to follow Him wherever He goes, drinking in His words and contemplating His riddles. Joy like you've never known explodes inside you then settles down to a solemn commitment - this is what you are living for. Your days are now filled with purpose and you've never been more alive.

Now imagine you are looking up at this Man who filled this need, who fit that hole in your soul, and He is nailed to a cross. Blood streaks down His battered face as his body sags against the nails holding him there. The crowd is filled with mockers, cheering and laughing at the brokenness before them. Pain, disbelief and horror fills you as He gasps out, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Then, "Into your hands I commend my spirit....it is finished." And He's gone. All the hope and life you had dies with Him. How could this be? He promised a new life, and now He's gone!! Imagine the despair you would feel. To have found such joy and promise only to have it taken from you. To lose the best friend you ever knew. Perhaps doubt would fill you, anger. What a joke. How stupid to let yourself get so caught up in a man anyway!! But hadn't He said that He was the son of God? Then why had He died? The next three days are filled with hopelessness and darkness. What will you do now? This man turned your world upside down, you know you will never be the same. Can life possibly continue on as usual?

Three days later, as you're walking through the fields you hear a distant shout and see a figure running toward you. It's a friend of yours, another who had been changed. His face is aglow with wild excitement and he is shouting and dancing as he runs toward you. You almost feel angry at him. How could he be so happy after what had happened? Then he says it, "He's alive!! My friend, He is alive!! I saw Him, He rose from the dead and is alive!" Is he crazy? Tears begin to fall down your friend's face as he repeats over and over, "he's alive! He's alive!!" Desperate hope begins to stir in you, fighting against the despair and pain you had been living in. You have to see for yourself and so you begin to follow your friend back to the town. The closer you get the faster you walk until you are running, pushed forward by the intense hope that just maybe....He really IS alive. There is a great crowd gathered in the town square and you push yourself to the front. As you break through, you see a man with his back to you, dressed in white robes. You recognize the hair and the figure, but even still you fight against the hope that it is Him. Then He turns around and looks right at you, that same piercing gaze, the same fire in His eyes. This time, a look of victory and glory lights His face. He holds his hands out to you and you see the scars in His wrists. He smiles and says, "Be not afraid, for I died, but have risen again." The shackles that you have felt binding you since His death break free. He's alive. He conquered death and rose again - for YOU. You now have eternal hope and life that you would not have had had He not died. It all makes sense to you now. He is the way, the truth and the LIFE.

I wrote this because I wanted to explore the agony that close followers of Jesus must have felt when He died, leaving them seemingly robbed of the their promise for a new kingdom. They must have felt like life itself had been ripped from them. But what I really wanted to focus on was the amazing restoration of hope and joy, the glory and power of Christ's resurrection. Hope restored. Our Savior lives, and He intercedes for us each and every day.

Internship

2005-03-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

Just an update: I didn't get accepted into the internship. I felt relieved when I saw that, but then I felt depressed and even angry because I felt dropped. It's hard when you get your hopes up about leaving and then find out you're still staying where you are.

But, a wonderful opportunity has opened itself up. Peter Blue, the music pastor at my church, brought up Africa and his desire to start an outreach team in the music department. He asked if I would like to be a part of that. Heck YES is all I have to say. Good bye anger and depression, hello excitement and purpose. :)

God is good.

Friday Musings

2005-03-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

It's 4:40 p.m. on Friday afternoon. The sun is out and a friendly breeze is tossing the pine boughs in soft, tranquil waves. I'm very sleepy and that puts me in a warm, fuzzy state. I love Fridays, especially sunny ones. I have to tell you I drink in every minute of my weekends.

It's been an eventful week for me. I went down to the marriage rally in Olympia with my church and had a very interesting time there. I found myself strangely irritated with the gathering of Christians on the grass. They were holding their signs and singing worship songs and listening to stirring sermons. I cannot in any way judge any person there and I am not saying that gathering together is wrong. Not by any means. But I did wonder why the majority of the Christians were safe in their group while the opposition was gathering on the Legislative building steps. I guess it hit a little too close to home for me. I think the church in general has become far too comfortable with simply sitting in their comfortable groups while the lost are perishing on the outside. I ended up joining the crowd on the legislative building steps with my friend Josh Graham. We soon found ourselves engaged in a conversation that would last about an hour. The girl we were talking to was a lesbian with a Christian dad who is actually a pastor. I left that conversation feeling like I had met a pretty cool girl who is sadly lost. I was excited that I was able to discuss such a contentious issue without ever raising my voice or getting angry...and the same can be said for her. I was able to listen to the arguments she presented and respond with what I believed. Thank God for Josh and his knowledge of the bible. I have to admit that is a weak area of mine and a great strength of his. He was able to interject in the areas that I had no clue what to say and it was very encouraging to have a friend who believes the same thing I do standing beside me. There were of course the obnoxious protestors who claimed to be Christians. A couple of them tried to come into our discussion and were so rude I wanted to tell them to shut up and get the heck out of there. I did have to finally ask them to please let the girl talk (I can't remember her name. Terrible, I know) I was shocked and enfuriated that "Christians" would act in such a superior, heartless way. Both Josh and I apologized for the rudeness and I was glad to hear her say she respected us and saw that we were different. It was great to hear her say that and for us to be able to say we respected her for her ability to speak civily with us as well. Before we parted ways we talked for about fifteen minutes about us and where we came from, what we do. We shared a delight in the mountains and the knowledge that being skinny doesn't mean being in shape. I left feeling that if I were to see her again, I would be able to greet her with warmth. I cherish that.

My conversation with that girl humanized the opposition for me. I'll be honest. I've never been close to someone who was a homosexual - at least not without my knowing it. It's not because I refuse to associate with them, I just haven't known any. It made my stance a lot easier to champion. After looking in the eyes of these people living the homosexual lifestyle and hearing how hard they tried to overcome it, it's not so easy. I left somewhat confused and unsure of where to stand. I still believe with everything that is in me that homosexuality is a sin and that God clearly speaks against it. I believe it is a choice, not a condition. But I wrestled with feeling harsh and completely naiive in stating these beliefs after speaking with them. I learned that day in a very real way that our battle is NOT against flesh and blood but against spiritual darkness. My enemy is not this girl I spoke with but the evil one who is her captor. Prayer is something I don't do enough of and I am coming to believe more and more that it is the most important thing we can do. It is not by might nor by power but BY HIS SPIRIT. I left that day feeling like it had been rather pointless. No one there was going to change their minds. Next time an event like this happens, I would be more likely to spend my time in prayer and meditation. I also left wondering if politics was really something I wanted to be a part of. I won't hear if I have been accepted into the internship for another week or so, but now I'm leaning toward not doing it. It's a wonderful thing and a great cause that I would be proud to belong to...but my heart is people, lives transformed. I think I would deeply miss close, personal contact with others. I think I would get lonely. I came home from work yesterday tired and grumpy. I laid down to take a nap and woke up even MORE grumpy. I knew what was bothering me - the internship. I went to Dairy Queen to get out of the house and sat in the little parking lot facing the mountains to eat my takeout and think. I knew I was leaning away from the internship, but the thought of staying here was depressing. I found myself thinking my life was going to go nowhere. My dreams (more vague impressions now than anything) would never be realized and that I would marry and stay here in North Kitsap forever. Life sucked. But somewhere deep in me the voice of truth spoke a simple sentence, "No, you're not, it's going to be ok." I looked at the mountains silhouetted against the darkening sky and felt the peace and reassurance fill me, driving all doubts and frustrations away. My God told me it would be ok. He has a plan for me, He hasn't let me go and He will not allow His plan for my life to be derailed. That was it. It was all I needed. My night was instantly better and I felt very much at peace at the thought of not going to DC. I am still not saying for sure. I know myself well enough by now to know that my emotions and desires are often nothing more than roller coaster rides. But I do know that I settled within myself more than I had before what I truly wanted to do. I want to work with people. The details are still extremely fuzzy....in fact I can't see them at all. But that's not my job, no matter how many times I try to make it my job. :)

I'm excited about what I see God doing in the hearts of my friends. I believe God is beginning to stir people our age to action and I don't want to miss it. If I have the opportunity to work with those I am close to and love dearly in my hometown, then you'd better believe I'm taking it!! I am also checking into moving out (I BOUGHT A COUCH TODAY FOR $50!! Not first class, obviously, but suitable for a beginner :)). These are all things I am excited about. I still struggle with feeling like I am without a focus, without a vision. I hate that feeling and it is easy to get sucked into the, "nothing's happening, life sucks" mentality. That's when I say, "uh UH, I aint gonna do it!" I'll jump into the bay in Poulsbo with my clothes on (actually did it on Tuesday, talk about FUN) and say, "Take THAT self-pity!!" Life is what you make it.

2005-03-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them-- every day begin the task anew."

Obviously, my task is to let GOD do the remedying. But it is up to ME to choose to set my heart and mind to it. I can easily become frustrated with myself and feeling that I am not where should be, or not this enough or that enough. But God is ok with me just where I am...so I should be, too.

A day of blessings

2005-03-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

God is so good. My heart is filled with praise right now for how He takes care of His own. He is so faithful! I just got off the phone with one of my very best friends Julie Love. She is now in Oregon working at Miracle Ranch and apparently things are going great. God is continuing to provide for her with possibilities for housing and jobs and she said she feels like she call this place "home." I found myself with tears in my eyes listening to her. I feel so relieved and filled with thanksgiving at how God has been taking care of her. It's hard when you know someone you love so much is experiencing pain and loneliness and uncertainty. I can't thank God enough.

He's been so good in my life to give me rest and release from the burdens I carry, to change my heart and to open my eyes to see His truth. I heard back from Relevant and they want to look at my article, I just talked with my former manager and he encouraged me to ask for a 90-day leave without pay while I'm at the internship in case I don't end up going anywhere from there....wow.

God is good - so good. My Jesus, my God, I love you with all the heart I am able to give. My deliverer, my peace and my life, you're beautiful and loving. May Your name be praised forever and ever.

Just Me

2005-03-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

I don't have any eloquent or catchy words right now, no smart opener. It's just me, just my heart. And right now, it isn't going to be really pretty. Who I am is not someone with it all together. I know, shock of the century. Apparently, it's news to me. News I've always known but have been trying hard not to acknowledge. I'm an extremely stubborn person, and this stubbornness can cause me to have a vise-like grip when I should just let go. Last night, I let go - and it was messy. What did I let go of? Trying. I was reading The Sacred Romance (nope, still haven't finished it, Josh) and it once again struck straight to the heart of me. Basically it said that we get so caught up in our smaller stories and our other comforters (read the book to totally understand what I'm talking about) that we stop abiding in Christ. We abide instead in our other lovers, our other identities.

"Besides these false comforters that we abide in, there are also the less-wild lovers I spoke of in chapter 9 that are intertwined with our heart because they give us an identity. Whether it be accumulating wealth, being seen as profound due to our knowledge and cleverness of speech, being physically attractive, or any of the hundreds of other small stories we have learned to abide in, we live in fear that we will sooner or later be exposed and our identities will be stripped from us. We redouble our efforts at "doing" to prevent this calamity, and again, in our ontological lightness [Defined in the book as: "the reality that when I stop 'doing' and simply listen to my heart, I am not anchored to anything substantive. I become aware that my very identity is synonymous with activity"] , our lack of being anchored in anything substantive, we experience the spiritual life as burdensome and exhausting. We are unable to walk the meadows of the spiritual life."

That last sentence describes me very well. I have been really struggling with anxiety - it is almost always there, under the surface. It is most present when I am not doing anything, when I'm just being still. So, naturally, I do MORE to avoid it, to try to get rid of it. The anxiety tells me that I am going to fall off the face of the planet, that I'm going to become nothing, accomplish nothing. Time's a-wasting and I need to be DOING something. I can't rest because I feel this drive to do, but have no idea what TO do. Then I feel like a failure and like I am falling further and further away from the path that will lead me to success. My smaller identity is in ministry, being used to touch others, to share who God is. Funny how satan can use honorable desires against us like that. Perhaps a reason I have been kept at home so long is to learn what my home truly is - Christ.

The book said, "'Jesus was saying..."I have made my home in you...but you still have other comforters you go to. You must learn to make your home in me.' I realized that my identity had something to do with simply 'staying at home.' It also dawned on me that holiness, surprisingly, also comes not out of doing but out of staying at home, with who and where we are and with who and where God is in us."

What a concept - holiness comes not out of doing. NOT OUT OF DOING. I swear I need to tattoo that to my forehead so I'll remember. I'm a doer, it's hard for me to grasp the idea that I don't need to DO anything. I derive my sense of fulfillment and self-respect from doing things, from being in the field of ministry. I long to do great things for God, to be one of those people you read about. I wonder when I'll get the fact that God just wants me to be ME, to derive my identity from HIM, not from what I do?

Paper Tigers

2005-02-25T10:16:00.000-08:00

Fears can seem so real and tangible that they loom larger than any measure of faith we may feel we have. Doubts and what-if's crush the certainty we felt when we made a decision and can cause us to second-guess ourselves at every turn. Before we know it, we are backed into a corner with dark shadows lurking in every corner and keeping us captive. We find ourselves crying out for guidance and peace, our words seemingly muffled by the wall of fear surrounding us. But as Christians, we're told that we are not given a spirit of fear but power, of self discipline and of a sound mind. So how can we lose sight of the God who promises to deliver us so easily? Our fears are nothing but paper tigers, shadows that, when seen in the light of God's truth and power, diminish into pathetic nothingness. What's triggered my writing about this? Well, the fact that I just encountered this about an hour ago.

By now, anyone who knows me or has read my blog probably knows I've applied for an internship on the east coast. I have many mixed feelings on this, including whether or not God really even wants me to go. It makes sense, it matches up with everything I ever saw myself doing and is something that I am passionate about. So, I applied to see what comes of it. One particular agony of mine has been when to tell my boss about it. Do I tell her now and risk losing my job sooner than I would like? Or do I not say anything and wait until a final decision has been made? I opted for the latter for the first couple months I was thinking about it. She had already asked me a couple of times if I was going to leave or stay (this was spawned by rumors that another department was going to offer me a job - she wanted to know if I would take it. I told her "yes" if the right criteria were there). She knows my heart is not here and so was questioning my intentions. After she asked me again yesterday, I felt horrible for keeping this from her. I felt dishonest and like I was lieing to try to cover my butt. I can't handle that. So this entire morning I wrestled and wrestled with fear. "Should I tell her? What if I don't even get accepted? Do I even really want to do this? I like it here, I'm comfortable and these people are like family to me now." All these things battled with the conviction that I can trust God and if He desires honesty, He will bless my obedience. So I asked a man I trust here to be praying for me, went into my place of retreat (aka women's bathroom) and prayed for a while there. I came out with the firm decision to just tell her. This is a possibility that excites me and, if all falls into place, I would very seriously consider. So, I told her, feeling emboldened.

Not only did I feel better after telling her, she was extremely supportive and understanding, telling me she hopes I am accepted. I am completely amazed, floored, speechless that I would be so blessed. It is hugely important to me to have the blessing and support of those that are close to me. Although Glenda is my supervisor, she is also a dear friend. It killed me to think that I would be putting her out or causing her to stress. Seeing the calm in her eyes (she said she wasn't surprised at all) and hearing her asking questions about it like she was interested....brought me to tears. Amazing grace, above and beyond. The Lord has done that so many times. I have to make a decision or take action that scares me to death. I'm positive things are going to come crashing down and all is going to fall apart. But the second I take that step...I find myself being swept up and filled with peace and joy and everything goes so much better than I could have dreamed. You would think it would get easier for me after having seen this so many times. Unfortunately, I think it's something I will battle all my life.

Here is a song by Jacqui Velasquez called "Paper Tigers" to close the post, enjoy!

Paper Tigers

Heart pounds
To the sound
Comin' after me
Step back
What is that?
It's a mystery
Is it something?
Probably nothing
Still I find a way to scare myself
Till I remember
This all feels familiar
And I know better

CHORUS 1:

They are only paper tigers following me
In the wild imagination of the make believe
And there's a fighter, a survivor, arising in me
I'm not afraid of paper tigers

Night brings creepy things
And I hide away
False fears disappear
In the light of day
The sun is rising
I'm realizing
The only thing to fear is fear itself
Now I am certain
That my beast of burden
Isn't worth a worry

CHORUS 2:

They are only paper tigers following me
In the wild imagination of the make believe
And there's a fighter, a survivor, arising in me
I'm not afraid
And I won't run away from paper tigers

My God gives us the strength and confidence to face those paper tigers and see them wither into nothing. May we always remember to trust in HIM.

Passion: A gift, not a right.

2005-02-18T11:46:00.000-08:00

The Lord is forever opening my eyes to new things in my relationship with Christ. I long for passion and for spiritual life. And just now, after finishing that last post, I realized that my desires for passion were largely selfish. I wanted it because I love the feeling I get of being alive, on fire, filled with strength and unafraid. I wanted the passion for me. No wonder the Lord wasn't answering my prayer. What good is passion if I just want it for myself? Just to feel good? I don't say this to say it is wrong to delight in it, to praise God for it. It is the strength we so desperately need to continue walking in His way. And that's just it, TO CONTINUE WALKING IN HIS WAY. The passion is given us that we might do His will, that we might be filled with His purpose. The Lord fills me with His strength for His good purpose. I have no right to whine for it as if it were my right. It is a gift and God knows when it is best to give it. Wow, what a freeing realization.

Thank you, Father, for your discipline and wisdom. Thank you for opening my heart to see your ways that are so much bigger than myself, for letting me be a part of it. Amen.

Lips Be Loosed!!

2005-02-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

At perspectives last night, the idea of sharing the blessing or losing it was brought up, confirming what I had been feeling for awhile. The speaker told the story of God's movement in the world over the past four centuries. Awesome stuff. It helps to pull back and look at the bigger picture, to know that yes, God IS moving and doing great things in people's hearts. I may not see it here in my little corner of the universe, but my God is moving. What a relief! I want to be a part of that, I want to see God do big things. There are some fears, some giants in the way, but God has proved Himself faithful in defeating them. This morning, on my drive in to work, the sun was already above the horizon, lighting the bay on golden fire. It was beautiful and I could feel my soul drawing strength and boldness from it. The God who created this is the God who rules the universe. God surrounds us with His glory to remind us that this awesome God is the God who walks with us every step of the way. What an amazing combination - gentle shepherd and victorious warrior. He is both and so much more. When we remember that all power in heaven and on earth has been given to Christ and we are sent in His name, what is there to stop us? We have the authority of all things behind us. He has our backs, He won't let us fall.

I got to work and was praying that the Lord would bring opportunities my way. Part of this is simply being willing to speak from my heart instead of the nice pleasantries we choke down every day. They're stale, unfulfilling and shallow. I want depth, I want realness and authenticity. So when a man asked me how I was doing, I said I was doing great because I had been to a class at my church that refreshed me and made my faith feel a degree more alive than it had before I went. He asked what church I went to and I was able to talk to him about our church. Another guy asked what I was doing this weekend and I was able to tell him I was going to Bread of Life Missions tomorrow to start working with them there. I told him I felt God had brought me there and that it was a practical way of living out my faith that I was very excited about. He said the world needs nice people like me. And of course after we leave I think, "it's not about nice, it's about a God who saved me from me, continues to save me every day and my desire to serve Him. It's about His love for every person on earth." I won't beat myself up to bad that I didn't say quite the right thing. My heart is open again to sharing, and I'll just have to become reacquainted with such openness. It's a lifestyle, a heart condition. I need the Lord to work that in me, it will take some time.

May the Lord loose your lips and your heart to proclaim His goodness, to shine His light that His glory might fill this earth and our lives.

Being Christ?

2005-02-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Just a quick thought today. I have heard so many times from well meaning Christians that we are to be Christ to the lost. Now maybe hearing that doesn't cause confusion for some, but being the literalist that I am, I hear "be Christ" and think just that, "be Christ." This is completely impossible. We are not called as Christians to be Christ to anyone. What we are called to do is to SHOW people Christ by letting Him live in and through us. Trying to be Christ is draining and frustrating because we can never do it. My only prayer is a humble one - that in my weakness and obedience, Christ's power and love may shine through, that I might be a vessel He uses to show Himself to others.

Ok, so a tangent off that main thought. Weakness is not something I relish or really enjoy, however. In fact, I spend most of my time AVOIDING it. But it is always when I am aware of my weakness that I sense the Lord's presence and power in my life. It's a sad thing that Christ has to be bring me to the end of me before I'll allow myself to be who I am, weak and totally dependent on Him. It's funny, the more I mature and grow into an adult as the world would see it, the more I realize how childish I am in fact becoming. Maturity does not mean I am able to do it alone, does not mean I have a lofty career or that I am the invincible business woman. It means I rest in the Lord, surrendering all I am to Him because it's His anyway. It means I live for His glory and let go of my selfish desires and ways. It means that I more and more become detached from the things of this world so that I may be more fully attached to Him. Am I the only one who hears that and feels just a little discouraged? I am forever being led to chase after the things of this world. It's a good thing I have a God who never tires of chasing after me. Steadfast, unchanging love. I can't begin to fathom it.

Dare to Live

2005-02-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever realized that you have been hiding your heart from truly living the life God has called you to live? Oh, you smile and offer nice bits of encouragement. You pray for others and truly desire their lives to be blessed with God's freedom and joy. But that's tame love, that's safe love. You've been living in the smaller story, shutting down the wild bursts of love that would make you blurt out something outrageous like, "do you ever feel like you're living a life that is smaller than what you were created for, like there is a bigger story you were meant to be a part of?" These are deep questions that many times we dont' even dare contemplate for ourselves. Example: I was escorting a gentleman at work while he was examinging a scissor lift that had decided to stop working in the middle of our shop floor. To me, these moments are golden opportunities to sieze any open door to share the joyous news that is within me. In my mind I am thinking, "what if I just ask him what he thinks about Jesus? Just put it out there? Just like it's a curiousity question." I replay that little act over and over in my mind until it's right on the tip of my tongue and I'm about to say it, but I don't. I settle instead for mundane questions about where he lives and works. "Cuz here I go again, talking about the rain and mulling over things that don't live past today. And I dance around the truth."

We squelch it with rationalizations that tell us we can't mix work with faith, that they won't understand what we're talking about anyway. So we begin living in a little world that's safe, secure, distant...and boring as heck. This is deadly and something we should not ignore. Our souls were created to worship our God. Part of that is sharing what He has done and what He can do with others. It transforms and fills us when we give out what we've been given. It's hard to grasp, but the gift of joy and life we receive is only kept if we give it away. The more we try to keep it to ourselves, the more we lose it and become captive to a way of living that is horribly empty. I have exchanged a life that is spiritually full because I was afraid of losing earthly things - friendships, acceptance, esteem. But this exchange costs something I didn't know I would miss so much, and that is spiritual LIFE, PASSION, EXHILIRATION. The kind of energy that makes you breathe deep, your eyes sparkle and your heart beat strong. I'm tired, soul weary, from living a life that is smaller. I don't want to do it anymore. Yesterday on my way home from work I was driving by a gorgeous scene on Front Street. The sun was setting over the water, making it shimmer and glisten with golden waves. For a brief instant I almost squelched the shout inside me that demanded that I pull over and let me soul drink it in. But I decided to listen. I spent an hour just sitting and looking...and absorbing. I ached with the life that I felt fill me because I had been resisting it.

Maybe I am not making any sense. But I have been caught in this tension of longing for freedom to soar where my God takes me and at the same time, running from it. I am still not entirely sure why. Yesterday I decided I was going to let myself ache, let myself long, and see where those aches and longings take me. You wanna know something? It scares me to death. Because I know the wildness of the God who put those aches and longings there. I know the depth and fierceness of His love - and I know I'll be shattered and ruined by it. I think I'm ready for it. It's come down to the point where I have to decide which road I'm going to take. I made the decision long ago that I wanted to walk with my Savior even when that means "taking the road less traveled."

Ok, so that was a long one and probably filled with weird tangents and unconnected thoughts. I just know that my soul is screaming out against the walls I've built around it and that I'm ready to let God pick up the sledge hammer.

--Thoughts influenced by radical writings such as "The Sacred Romance" and the bible, by friends who won't live less than what Christ has for them and by the ever-persistent lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.

'Nuther One

2005-01-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

"To love someone is to know the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." ~ Anonymous

Good Quote

2005-01-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

"Life is meant to be a never-ending education and when this is fully appreciated we are no longer survivors, but adventurers."

-- David McNally

Like a Child

2005-01-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

I'm like a child in so many ways. I am happy and content in my safety net of family and friends. I go to the same church I've gone to since I was 9 and friends with the same people I've known for just as long. I no longer live in the same house as of three months ago, but before that I could say I lived in the same house since I was 9, too. I went to college but didn't venture far - Bellingham is far enough away to feel "away" without being states apart from home. I don't handle changes in these details well - they are my security blanket. And slowly, God has been taking those blankets away. I always get this picture in my head of me clinging to these treasured items that God is tugging on with my eyes squeezed shut and shaking my head. "NO!" But God melts my heart and slowly, I loosen one finger, then another, then another. I finally let go and hold my breath, waiting for disaster to fall. When nothing happens, I pop open one eye and then the other. I'm fine. Everything is ok - it's actually better. Oooooh, God knows what He's doing! :)

I am going through yet another season of blanket-removing. I have learned to let go, that I can trust my God when He seems to be taking away those things that I cherish the most, but it's still hard. Moving was hard, and I did cling quite a bit with that one. I sat in my bedroom sobbing, feeling like my heart was being ripped apart. I am a very sentimental, traditional person and so leaving the place I experienced every emotion in, the place where memories are attached to every part of the house, was very hard. Especially in a time where life seemed so uncertain. Blanket number one - removed.

My brother was just up for a month and it was wonderful having him home. I forgot how much fun it is to have someone your age live with you. I'm buds with my brother and it was just him and I through our growing up years. We fought like crazy but grew into a support system for each other against the parental units when we learned to get past our immaturity. Just knowing there was someone in the house going through the same struggles makes one stronger. When he left, I felt a little alone again. Not horribly, but back to reality - I'm 22, almost 23. Time to be moving on.

Blanket number 2 - friendships. This is the one I am currently dealing with and it's one of the hardest to see go. My friends are moving away, getting married, moving on. It's a natural part of life and very good - but it's hard. Keri-Lee, a wonderful friend that I've known for less than six months, is moving to London end of February. That's a tough one. I had another friend I knew for a short but wonderful time and she moved to India. I'm not liking this, "let's bring wonderful girls into Stephanie's life and then move them less than a year later" thing.

Then there's my wonderful, battle-the-world-with-our-backs-together friend Julie Love. She is leaving soon, too. This is a deep one - one that initially gives the punched-in-the-stomach feeling. There are more times than I can count where we have struggled through the same issues together. So many memories of the two of us crying as we share the aches and frustrations of our hearts. Knowing there was someone who KNEW me and could just sit and listen when needed but also say what I needed to hear was a huge source of encouragement to me. I have a picture in my mind of her sitting across from me with total focus, nodding her head and sympathizing with me. She was my fellow bored-at-the-office compatriot, sharing emails to try to get through the day. Both of us unsatisfied with our jobs and dreaming of breaking out, yet scared of what that means. She's leading the way, the first to pursue the passions of her heart. Julie, you have been a friend in every sense of the word. You are a blessing beyond anything you may imagine and I cannot possibly begin to express how much I appreciate and respect you. I know God has us both in His hands as He leads you elsewhere and challenges me to move, and I know God used my friendship with you to get through the times where discouragement and depression threatened to pull me under. So thank you with all my heart, I love you more than words can say and will always cherish your friendship.

All of this is coming together to make me feel like I am being pulled apart, unraveled. Praise God I belong to the Master Weaver who knows what strings to pull so He can reweave my life to reflect His perfect plan. I want to be that heap of string waiting patiently and in total trust for Him to reconstruct me. It's hard, but I'm ready and willing. I want to walk in the path my God has for me and I surrender to it. If my God is moving, I want to move with Him. I choose the narrow road, the way that demands self sacrifice and surrender to gain a much greater prize - a consuming relationship with my Creator. I am completely dependent on Him, utterly lost without Him. With joy and temporary grief, I say "yes."

One Nation Under God, Indivisible....

2005-01-20T14:13:00.002-08:00

I was reviewing the pictures from the President's inauguration and came across a picture of police spraying pepper spray over a crowd of protestors after they threw objects over the fence at the policemen. It was embarrassing and heart-breaking. I believe that one of our country's greatest strengths is our commitment to individual thought and the freedom to openly discuss those thoughts. But what happens when there is no agreed center around which these discussions should take place? Just what I saw in the picture - a loss of unity. Our country is becoming more and more torn from within as factions ranging all over the spectrum of ideologies spring up and demand their way be acknowledged. We have opened the door to tolerance and relativism too wide and in the process have polluted and clouded the center that guided our discussions and can unite poeple under once common cause - and that is Christ.

We have abandoned Christ, and so have abandoned the glue that binds us together. Without His spirit to guide us, to show us the way that is right, we are reduced to what I saw in the picture. What image do we present to outsiders who see citizens protesting the inauguration of the man elected to be president? To me it makes us look like we are squabbling kids, fighting when we don't get our way. Why can we not swallow or grumbling and dutifully support the man elected into office? Yes, I am a staunch believer in Bush and in his ability to lead our nation back to God. But if Kerry were to have won, would I have stood alongside the streets throwing objects at the police?? No. I would have prayed that God guide him and use Kerry for His glory, determined to support the man my country elected. When Gregoire won the election for the governorship in Washington, I was not elated. She was not my choice. But she is now the governor of our state, and as such I will stand behind her to the best of my ability.

We have the freedom to discuss, even forcefully, our views. I stand behind that with all that I am. But when the vote is cast and the decision made, it is time to once again unite and work together, not against each other. It grieves my heart that our beautiful country would be reduced to factions that do little else than squabble, unwilling to give an inch. I don't like the idea of having two parties that are so staunchly against the other. I don't think that's the point. The idea of having parties, from my understanding, is to give voters a clearer picture of what they are choosing. What it has now become, two separate entities vying for control of the country, is destructive.

Maybe I'm naive in hoping for this kind of unity in our country, in dreaming that we recognize our desperate need for the Lord to have any real strength and usefulness. Perhaps the reason there are two separate parties is because there is more and more a great division of good and evil in our country. In this case, there is no hope for unity - light and darkness can have no fellowship. I am not desirous of a country that blends evil with good, accepting it all in the name of "freedom" and "tolerance." There are two forces fighting for control of America. One is good, loving, healing, pure, holy and righteous. The other is evil, full of hate and destruction, divisive and utterly despicable. But I believe in the sovereignty of my God. And so as long as God moves me, I will pray that the Lord restores the heart of America in unity and in surrender to Him.

Place in This World

2005-01-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I just wrote a whole post outlining my fears and excitements regarding pursuing this internship on the East Coast and lost it all. I'm frustrated, ticked off even at my sad misfortune so instead of trying to rewrite it all, I'll just post the song that inspired the post in the first place.

Place in This World
Micheal W. Smith

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m

Chorus:

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me...I’m

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

The Road to Success

2005-01-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

My good friend Keri-Lee sent this to me this morning and I found myself relating to many of the twists and turns it describes:

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Graves, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.

I think I've circled that loop of confusion several times, but am beginning to straighten out again. And those speed bumps? It seems God is clearing those for me, too. Here's to the road to success!!

"The road to your dreams can only be found with one foot in eternity and the other on shaky ground." ~ Rick Tourquinio

Glorious Night in the City

2005-01-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

So, last Friday night was a great night. I left work elated knowing it was Friday and I was heading to Seattle with one of my long-time close friends Julie Love to see the Broadway presentation of the Lion King. Nothing could keep me down and nothing could dampen my spirits for the night - I was getting out!!

Julie and I caught the 5:30 ferry over to Seattle and were enjoying the ride over talking about miscellaneous things. We were joined shortly by Cassandra and Kaliegh Ritchie, two girls from my home group. That was a blessing from the Lord as Kaliegh shared with me her story of God's leading in her life toward YWAM and school of worship in Hawaii. It showed me that God does still work in powerful, sovereign ways and intervenes in His children's lives to ensure they walk the way He has prepared for them before hand. I left contemplating my own life and the knowledge that I am called to be in full-time ministry, wondering how God would lead me.

After we arrived in Seattle, Julie and I hailed a cab only to realize that the driver had no idea where our restaraunt, the Palomino, was. We ended up getting dropped off in the general vacinity and asking for diretions from people nearby. We arrived ten minutes after our reservation but were ushered to our table with no delay - phew. The restaurant is amazing!! Very modern art and light fixtures, delicious food and fast service. The bread they bring before the meal arrives was good enough, I could have dined on that all night and be completely satisfied. I ordered a melon daqueri for grins and didn't care for it too much, but it was fun to try something new. I had rock shrimp tortellini for dinner and it was so delicious. Whole cloves of garlic, red pepper, cheese and tomato....scrumptious.

After that we walked to the Paramount and took our seats a good 15 minutes before the show was to start. Perfect. There are a few places that I inspire me with excitement that sends shivers over my arms and makes me want to laugh with anticipation - the airport, Barnes and Noble and the theatre. I have to admit I wasn't so impressed at first because I was comparing it to the movie. But once I shifted my mind to just appreciate it for what it was, I really enjoyed it. There were several scenes that were extremely well done and all the costumes were stunning, drawing gasps of pleasure and surprise from the audience with each new animal. By the time the show was done, Jewls and I were pretty tired and ready to head home. We hurried down to the ferry hoping to catch the 11:15, only to find there was no 11:15 and we had to wait an hour for the 12:15. We spent about twenty minutes getting water from Ivar's and walking the streets a bit. We then came back into the terminal to warm up and wait for the boat. We were both getting pretty loopy and so normally somewhat amusing incidents were escalated into the hilarious. For example, when Julie had a man bend over right in front of her face to reveal his crack, we were rolling.

We made it over to Bainbridge Island and into Poulsbo, enjoying thickening snow fall as we went. The picture of me listening to worship music with my good friend after a wonderful evening in Seattle and driving home in the snow will forever be imprinted in my mind's picture gallery. Julie made it up my hill just fine only to crash into the curb right next to my house. It wasn't a happy time or great way to end our time together. Poor girl has to get her front tires realigned and there's no telling how much that will cost.

By the time we were both in bed, the snow was falling, Julie's dad had come and driven her car home, and as sleep descended on me, I was satisfied and grateful for a night away from routine. Here's to many more to come!!

He IS

2004-12-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

He Is

By Stephanie Kitchens

Where are you?!

What's going on?!

Why is this happening to me?!

How long do I have to endure this?!

I spin around and around, frantically clinging

desperately searching, trying to make sense of this thing

called life.

You said You had a plan!

You said I would have joy and fulfillment...

You said I would have PURPOSE.

I AM...

You are what?

What am I supposed to get out of that?

I know you exist, I know you ARE.

That doesn't help me here at all...

I AM...

I continue to stress, straining to see and make sense of it all.

He never defends Himself, never explains Himself.

As I still, worn out from my efforts, I sense Him.

He is standing there, never moving, never changing.

He is looking at me with eyes full of love, of promise and yes, of hope.

And I begin to see....He is.

In that realization, all questions become irrelevant.

My God IS.

When I cannot see, He IS. When I cannot understand, He IS.

He is SOLID, UNCHANGING, EVER-LOVING, ALL POWERFUL, EVER-CARING, STEADY, DELIGHTED LOVER, COMPELLING, GLORIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, BREATH-TAKING

As my heart is reminded of these things when I look upon Him,

He whispers these words with a love stronger than I'll ever know as He touches my face,

"I AM."

My fears disappear, overtaken by Him. My heart is wrapped in strong arms of care - He IS.

And that is enough.

It's the Little Things...

2004-12-14T13:32:00.001-08:00

That make life so great. I decided to put together a list of the small things that from this past weekend and into the early stages of this week that have brought me joy and lifted me from the duldrums. Here they are in no particular order:

Dancing like mad on stage in front of God and everyone at our church's Christmas production. I was part of the youth choir and the director gave us express permission (even demanded it) to "bust it out." So, bust it out I did and had the time of my life doing it. "Jesus IS the reasonAH, for the season, yeah."
Talking with my friend Cassandra between performances on Sunday about my control issues and praying, feeling myself let go and settle down as we did so. Only to realize that my song was next and in my mad rush to make it out, forgot that I still hadn't changed out of my flip flops into my performance shoes. So I sang, "Oh Holy Night" decked in black pants, red dress shirt and black flip flops from Hawaii. Honestly, I loved it.
Planning a road trip to Utah over Easter weekend to camp and go 4-bying with some good friends of mine. We're talking major excitement here. Like a 20 on a scale from one to ten. Road trip with friends....camping....4-bying (I've always wanted to do that)....bliss.
GETTING A $100 GIFT CARD TO BARNES AND NOBLE, BABY!! Seriously, that is one of the greatest gifts anyone could have given me. I felt like a kid in a candy store. Barnes and Noble is one of my absolute favorite places to go. I feel a shiver of excitement rush over me the second I step in. I can hole myself away and lose myself in a good story with my Starbucks coffee, journal the deep, swirling currents that are in my heart or just sit and watch others and imagine stories about their lives. Thank you, Behrens, with all my heart!!
Finally figuring out a way to organize my room so that it's inviting. I would walk into my room and stare in dismay, completely at a loss as to how to fix it. That's what moms are for. She suggests putting my bed at an angle in the corner and ideas flowed from there. My Uncle Rick was up from Chicago and he put in some good ideas as well. Not to mention offered the help of his manly muscles.
Buying a red down comforter for my bed with micro-suede covering. Nothing like soft fabric and warm colors to help with the ambience of a room.
Feeling discouraged with the life choices that I feel I should be making but have no clue what I want to choose and discovering an unexpected source of encouragement and sympathy from my Uncle Rick. It's great when family members can say, "hey, I've been there, too. You'll get through it."
Sitting in the pew at church on Sunday amazed yet again at God's amazing ability to work in my heart in perfect coordination with the topic of a sermon. There have been more times than I can count that God has used church on Sunday to directly address an issue I've been struggling with. It's one of the loudest, clearest ways I hear God say, "I know what's in your heart, and I care."
Waking up this morning and getting ready at the same time as everyone else. I felt that family warmth as my mom and I wished my dad a great last day at work (he teaches). It was a great way to start the morning - thank you, Jesus.
And last but definitely not least, talking to God out loud and loudly in my car on my way to small group telling Him just what I felt about my life right now. I resolved to stop trying so hard to be the Christian I know I should be and to just be the Christian I am. Easier said than done. Still, venting and pounding my steering wheel was fun. I found myself laughing at the hilarious picture I knew I was presenting. Luckily, the only one who could see me was the only one who matters...and He didn't care anyway.

I found that as I wrote this list, my heart began to feel full. Life might be stressful and confusing right now, but there are daily small graces like these that allow me to smile when I lay down to sleep. Thank you Lord, for Your small blessings. I accept them with humility and deep gratitude. You're beautiful.

Questions....

2004-12-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my last post was on the beautiful intimacy we can have with the Lord. Funny how things can change so quickly. Actually, times like that are rather sporadic for me. I was at the young adults service at our church last night and noticed something about my heart during worship. I saw people who were obviously deeply in love with Christ, hands stretched out to Him as they sang the words, "What a friend I've found...closer than a brother. I have felt your touch, more intimate than lovers. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, friend forever." It's a beautiful, simple song. Those are my favorite kind...simple, from the heart. But what I noticed was a sad lack of joy and excitement in my worship. Whereas once my heart was bursting with praise, I now many times have to conjure up energy. There is a general spiritual depression that keeps my heart from being swept up in it. I still mean the words and I still deeply love God, but I feel bored many times. Isn't that terrible to say? But it's the truth. Everything feels commonplace, "yeah, I know that. Been there, done that. yada yada." My soul therefore begins to turn to other things for excitement, for passion. I find myself desperately hungry for something to capture my spirit and carry me away with it. The only thing is, I know only God can truly satisfy this desire. But what do you do when your desire and passion feels...dead? Not the love affair, for God daily meets me and I see His beauty all around me. But the deep, breath-taking passion and wonder. I know that our faith is not about feelings, but they sure make things nice. I suppose it is any other relationship. You get what you put into it? There are lull times where you just do it.

I think a lot of it, maybe most if not all is that my job, where I spend 40 hours a week, does not make my heart come alive - at all. I have been called into ministry, and here I sit at my computer shuffling paper and other things. I know I am called to be a light to my c0-workers, but how do you balance working with reaching out? I am not one that is good at stepping out and speaking with people. It scares me to death. I'm better with writing. So, many times, by the end of the week, I'm feeling rather sorry for myself and don't really want to do anything but go home and sulk. I long to be free to run with joy and freedom, but feel dragged down with the deadness I feel in my soul.

This post has been brutally honest and you probably didn't even really enjoy reading it, sorry about that. But I wanted to get it out and this is the only opportunity afforded me here at work. I hope you all have a glorious weekend. Take time out to do things that make your pulse race in your veins and your mind and spirit come to life - things that make you come ALIVE. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Beautiful Intimacy

2004-11-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

Intimacy. To be deeply and completely known. Loving acceptance. All these are among the deepest heart's cries that I believe are born into every human. It is beautiful to me that I experience all these things in the presence of my God. Last night, before I went to bed, I put in one of my favorite worship c.d.s (Shawn McDonald - if you don't have it, I highly recommend it) and sat in my bed to just be with my God. As the Psalm-like lyrics rolled over my ears, pictures of my Savior were painted on my mind and I found myself marveling at who He is, how beautifully I am created. Not saying I think I'm so beautiful, but the human body in general. It's pretty amazing to know that I was knit together by the Master Creator. As my heart opened to Him in worship, His answering love, acceptance and deep intimacy filled and surrounded me. I laid burdens down for good, no intentions of picking them back up again. He's stronger than I am anyway. I woke up this morning still filled with that peace. For the first time since I can remember, I woke up ready to face the world.

I am ashamed to admit that I often take this intimacy for granted. He's always there, always open to help me. May God forgive me for ever forgetting the specialness of that, for letting it become casual, every day, ordinary. With other desires and questions swirling around me, this most important aspect of my faith can be lost, ignored, even impatiently pushed aside. I had the blessing of meeting with a dear friend last night for the last time before she moves to Texas. As I shared with her my stresses and frustrations, she threw a verse back at me that I had shared with her while in Africa, "Girl, whatever happened to 'Be still and know that I am God??" A very much needed reminder. It is when I remember to allow myself to "be still," - to marvel, ponder, be lost in amazement - that the strong currents and winds of life cease and I am in the throne room, gazing upon my beautiful Jesus. The world would call me a fool for being so desperate for one I cannot see. To allow myself to be dependent on another - to give up my life, my treasures, my ALL just to hear His voice. Time stops for no man. If that is what makes me a fool, then let me be the greatest fool this world has ever seen. I would much rather spend hours at the feet of my Lord and Friend, sharing heart intimacy than chasing after the things of this world.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the Light of His glory and grace."

Where Idealism and Reality Meet

2004-11-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Reality: The quality or state of being actual or true.

Idealism: The act or practice of envisioning things in an ideal form.

This is going to be a post that may or may not make sense. It's more to help me to unscramble different thought processes that have been going on in my head.

Reality and Idealism. I believe that the two are co-dependent. Being an idealist myself, I didn't use to want to let reality in. Perhaps overly optimistic, I would close my eyes to the hard "reality" of a situation and fully set my mind on the idealistic outcome. This didn't present a problem until one situation in which reality won out. Being also an extremist, I swung to the opposite side of the spectrum and refused to allow idealism in. Life was life - cold, unpredictable and full of sorrow. But my soul refused to accept this way of thinking. I knew there was beauty, glory and honor in the world - things to fight and die for, things to LIVE for. I couldn't let go of the stories involving true heroes that sacrifice everything for the sake of a cause greater than themselves, of one kind act of love forever touching and changing a heart hardened by the world. These are the things my heart lived for - to see the incredible brought into the ordinary.

And that's where the middle ground must be found. To bring the incredible into the ordinary, into reality, reality must be faced and accepted. For example, graduating and moving back in with my parents felt like a slap to the face for me. It was painful, I'd even say excruciating. I had envisioned an idealic life where I graduated and was launched into this great career that would touch millions of lives. I was going to be one of those heroes. I held those who went to college and then returned home with their parents slightly in scorn. Isn't it ironic, or perhaps divine, that that is exactly where I would end up?

At any rate, I have had plenty of time to face and accept reality. It was a slow process, but the more I was able to the more I realized that bringing the incredible into the ordinary is 99% of the time done THROUGH ordinary people. People who work 40 hour weeks and live in the standard American house. My definition of incredible is changing. Whereas once I would describe to you acts of martyrdom, missionaries living in dangerous settings and other such scenarios, I would now describe to you a barista working in Starbucks who has a paper due the next morning, bills hanging over her head and kids to feed at home. In spite of all this, she wears a smile and offers words of cheer and encouragement to her customers. Incredible. A man who has lost his family in a car accident, yet praises God for His faithfulness and provision. Incredible. It is evident everywhere. Heroism can be seen every day. We are made in God's image. We therefore hunger for beauty, truth and strength. To a degree, I would venture to say that idealism is born into all of us. It leaks out into the every day from hearts walking in unison with the Lord. I now live in reality, the reality that I will probably never do anything heroic to make the world stand back in amazement. And you know what? That reality aint all that bad, not when the Lord is in the center of it. Because it is HE who brings the idealism into the world. He himself is the epitome of what we should strive for. As long as I have Him, my little world should be incredible enough.

And now for the dads....

2004-11-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is my tribute to my dad. Wow, where to start? My dad has been the most constant source of encouragement and enthusiastic love I've known. Imagine a man whose delight is his children, who takes the role of being a father very seriously and whose exuberant cheerfulness results in your whole body being jolted when he pats you on the back, and you're beginning to get a picture of my dad. I can't remember a time when my dad didn't want to be a part of my life, even when I gave irritated, short answers. "Fine." "Nothing." "Nowhere." "No one."

As described in my "Best Friend" post, I never really cared what guys thought about me. Oh, I'd have my occasional bouts of depression because no guy liked me. But those would leave as soon as they came. I know that a large part of that was because I knew that my dad loved me, thought I was special, smart and beautiful. I can't begin to express how important that has been to me, even when I didn't realize it. When I struggled over math problems or had a question about God, my dad was always the one who would JOYFULLY explain and help. He didn't just do it, he loved it. That's key, too.

My dad is a man respected and liked by all who know him. He's not perfect, but he loves and cares. He is a man of compassion and is quick to help those who are in need. I'm proud of my dad. He taught me to do my best at everything, to dream and to pursue those dreams. He gave me a confidence in myself that helped me face the world with energy and excitement instead of fear and insecurity. My childhood has a rosy glow with no real dark spots on it because of the love of my father and mother.

Looking back and looking at them now, I can only really shake my head in wonder. I am so blessed. More blessed than I will probably ever realize until I get to heaven.

Dad, I love you. I know I owe so much of who I am to you, and words cannot express my appreciation. I recognize it more and more and each time I know deeper gratitude and love for you. It never fails to amaze me how God gives you so much insight and wisdom when it comes to me. You call me on hidden motives and attitudes that most people would never see, and I am so grateful. You are one of the few who knows me inside and out, I'd even say you know me the best out of anyone. I know I may balk, but I also know that I need a dad like you to help keep me in line. Thanks for everything, you're the greatest!!!

Reconciling Head Knowledge with Heart Knowledge

2004-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

This will be a short post. In my quiet time today, I realized that I have become quite skilled at living my life in my head knowledge while neglecting my heart. I seem to believe that if I just ignore what my heart FEELS, what my head KNOWS will trickle down into my heart somehow, someway. To a certain extent this is true, but if I do not fall on my knees as I am at that moment, apart from what I think I know I should be feeling or thinking, the strain of trying to be something I'm not gets to be too much. I end up falling on my knees before God empty, tired of trying and many times mad at God for expecting too much of me. Here is where I have to be careful. Does God expect me to carry this load myself? To set up unrealistic expectations for myself and meet them on my own strength? No. I think I make my faith way too complicated. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." I add to that burden unnecessarily. Faith is simple. Trust God. Really, that's what it boils down to. Surrender, then trust. Let God work in me, I have no power to do it on my own. Wow, that is SO hard for me. I want to race to the place where I have it all figured out. I don't handle feeling weak well.

So, I have something to work on. Well, to ask God to work on. My job is to say "yes." That is my final answer.

"I am a Christian"

2004-11-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

"I am a Christian"
by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say… "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

Streams in the Desert, Novebmer 16

2004-11-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb...; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. (Revelation 12:11)

When James and John came to Christ with their mother, asking Him to give them the best place in His kingdom, He did not refuse their request. He told them that the place would be given to them if they could do His work, drink His cup, and be baptized with His baptism. (See Mark 10:38)

Are we willing to compete for God's best, with the knowledge that the best things are always achieved by the most difficult paths? We must endure steep mountains, dense forests, and the Enemy's chariots of iron, since hardship is the price of the victor's coronation. Arches of triumph are made not of rose blossoms and strands of silk but of hard blows and bloody scars. The very hardships you are enduring in your life today have been given to you by the Master, for the express purpose of enabling you to win your crown.

Therefore do not always look ahead to your tomorrows for some ideal situation, exotic difficulty, or faraway emergency in which to shine. Rise today to face the circumstances in which the providence of God has placed you. Your crown of glory is hidden in the heart of these things - the hardships and trials pressing in on you this very hour, week and month of your life. Yet the most difficult things are not those seen and known by the world but those deep within your soul, unseen and unknown by anyone except Jesus. It is in this secret place that you experience a little trial that you would never dare to mention to anyone else and that is more difficult for you to bear than martyrdom.

Beloved, your crown lies there. May God help you to overcome and to wear it.

It matters not how the battle goes,

The day how long;

Faint not! Fight on!

Tomorrow comes the song."

This devotional struck me and freed me from some guilt that I had been carrying. I had been comparing myself to those who are living under extreme persecution and facing death every day for their faith. How could I hold my head up as a Christian when I lived in a nice house, slept on a soft, warm bed and had plenty to eat every day while others didn't know where their next meal would come from and had lost loved ones because of their faith? I think this guilt, without my even knowing it, had been making me feel like I needed to do something extra special to make up for that. To counteract the easy life I have.

Reading this post, particularly the bolded section, filled me with a freedom and joy that I had longed for but didn't even think to pray for. I could see the guilt and weight breaking apart and falling at my feet. Funny how the heart can feel freedom but it takes a while for the mind to catch up to that fact that I AM free. I have most certainly faced hardships that, to me, were harder to bear than dieing for my faith. At least in dieing I would know I would be with my God. Here, there were times the trial seemed to last for months and I wanted it to end every day. THESE were my alotted trials, the hardships Christ was bringing me through so that I could attain my crown. I do not have to go searching for some "excotic difficulty," but need to just stay where my God has me.

I can now hold my head up as a Christian. I may not be experiencing physical threats or hardship, but my soul has experienced its share of anguish, despair and hopelessness, of God-given dreams that seemed far off with no hope of ever reaching them. I still live with my parents, and all although I love my parents dearly and value this time I have with them, there is a natural longing to have a life to call my own. All these are trials, and there are of course others. It may sound odd, but I didn't want to be cheated out of trials, I don't want to get to heaven with nothing to show for myself. I want to be able to suffer for my Lord, to walk the path that He walked. With joy and determination I will face the trials the Lord has given me and will, by His strength alone, submit to them for His glory. For Him, I will.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Be encouraged. If you are experienced a trial or hardship, stay the course. Christ will never leave you nor forsake you. You are in the hands of the God of the universe, He will not let you go.

Shout out to the moms

2004-11-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

This blog is posted in honor of all the moms who know just what to say to make their kids feel better, regardless of age. I am lucky and blessed to say that my mom is one of my very best friends. She has been the calming agent in my many times wild and stormy life ever since I graduated and moved home. I would come home frustrated about this or that, many times just plain old frustrated without even knowing the reason. I know there were many times where the last thing my mother needed after a long day at work was to listen to her daughter moan the blues about her obscure path in life. But she did it.

Just today I emailed her regarding one of the ugliest things out there: jealousy. Yes, I had been comparing myself to someone else and it was getting me a bit down. With the fiesty loyalty and swift answer only to be found in a mother, she replied with much needed encouragement and a, "hello, you're amazing and people love you" reminder. I was in tears and felt worth creeping back into my heart. Amazing how quickly we can lose that sense of worth and how desperately we need it. No wonder people are willing to surrender everything they have for it.

I know some of us aren't blessed with moms that love with a fiery devotion and protectiveness, and that's a tragedy that I can't begin to comprehend. But maybe, possibly, if you pray for her and love her with Christ's love, she can become that. If you do have this loving mom, I encourage you to take a closer look at her life. Watch the things she sacrifices, the fights she lets go, the smiles she wears when all she wants to do is cry. Our moms are one of our biggest heroes. I know my mom is one of mine. I am so grateful that I was given a mom that I can honestly say I am in awe of, who is beautiful inside and out. So thanks, mom, for all that you've done and been for me. You were always a staunch believer in God's character when I was waffling and your unmoving faith and conviction were many times the source of much-needed hope I desperately needed. I love you with all that I am, I pray I may be a blessing to you as you have been to me.

Dad, you're right up there, too. There will be a post coming dedicated entirely to dads. I love you more than you know and appreciate all you've done for me and the encouragement you are so quick to give. Thank you for your patience and support. I couldn't have done this thing called life without knowing my dad was cheering me on.

Best Friend

2004-11-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

When I was young, you were best friends if you rode the bus home together and lived on the same street. Your afternoons consisted of skipping rocks on the water, building tree forts and alternating yards for pickle tournaments. In junior high, the definition changed a little. I was fortunate to have missed completely the swirling currents of popularity contests, insecurity and desperation to fit in. My best friend, Kate Ritley, and I were skinny nerds who loved school and could care less what the world (even more specifically boys) thought of us. We had a mission larger than life that left no room or time for silly things like that. God had blessed with me with a heaven-sent intimate relationship with Himself that filled me with a desire for nothing else. So, my friendships were true and deep even then. I was content, thrilled with life and with God.

Then college hit and friendships were quickly formed amid movie nights held in dorm rooms, meteor-shower gazing and midnight pizza parties. My eyes were wide open, soaking up my new environment and loving every minute of it. I had a wide base of friends, all pursuing the same goal: a degree. Some friendships lasted, most didn't. My college years were fast not necessarily in time, but in activity and motion. I look back and Moulin Rouge comes to mind. Tons of activity with lots of mental, physical and emotional stimulation - it seems blurred and I sometimes wonder...was I even touching the ground? I don't think so. In these times, old friendships faded into the background and new friendships were created. What consumed my thoughts and time now was playing, having fun. God was still there, but no longer the center of my life. Our friendship was becoming distant, impersonal.

When I graduated and began working a normal 40 hour/week job, reality set in. I was not surrounded with a bunch of people my age pushing toward one common goal. Life no longer whirled and danced around me and there were certainly no more midnight pizza parties. Ten o'clock hit and this girl was out for the count. As I transitioned into this new pace of life, the definition of friendships once again changed. Lives were beginning to be more settled on their specific paths. A best friend was now one who has the same life dream, the same passions beating in their chest and one who understands how you are wired. But life gets busy, and opportunities to hang out are restricted by responsibility and the need for rest. Friendships were still there, but deep, regular intimacy was hard to manage.

I began to know a deep ache and hunger in the quiet moments. I misunderstood the ache for longing for the security and vitality of my college life. At first, I ran from those quiet moments - they told me that my life had slowed to a dead stop and I wasn't going anywhere, that I was completely alone. Then I began to hear a quiet whisper in those quiet times that made me pause. I strained to hear what it was saying, sensing that it had the answer to what I was longing for, but couldn't seem to catch it. I knew it was the voice of my God, but I had lost my sensitivity to it in the throes of my college life. I had to retrain myself to hear it, I had to relearn how to be friends with God. This took time, time that was filled with a desperate search for my life's purpose again, for that group to belong to. But God is good. He would heal me when I wasn't looking for it, touch me in the depths of my soul in ways that I didn't know needed it. And each time He did, it was like a little bit of cotton was removed from my hears. The whisper was becoming louder.

Last night, the ache for a soul-mate was so intense it was almost physical. I was crying in the lap of my God, pleading with Him to send me a friend, a BEST friend. Then a thought occurred to me. I paused and sniffled, then quietly whispered a prayer that would break my heart and fill it with joy at the same time, "God, will YOU be my best friend?" The second I prayed it, I knew it was what He had been waiting for. I knew His answer - "with all my heart, yes." Despite my faithlessness and my many wanderings, chasing after other things while He stood still, patiently waiting for me to return. He showed me He alone knows and understands my deepest desires and fears, He knows how to answer them and hold me as I cry. He wants to walk through life with me, to spend intimate moments with me. There is a sense of joy and strength now and amazed gratitude. He wants to be best friends with ME. And the best part is that life situations won't take Him away from me, He will always be there. I still desire a physical best friend, but I have the One who knows me more than anyone on earth will ever know me. My Jesus, My savior....my BEST friend.

A Victory Larger than Bush

2004-11-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

I am amazed and filled with gratitude and awe today at the Lord's wonderful guidance of our nation. Bush, a God-fearing man, has been re-elected. I don't at all profess to understand a lot about politics, but this I do know. That our nation was founded upon a belief in God, rooted on His commandments and our constitution was lovingly and passionately drafted by men who feared the Lord. And we now again have a president who shares those same convictions.

The victory for Bush had me in tears as I listened to his acceptance speech and heard the cheers of the supporters who were in DC. But the victory today was more than just a republican victory - it was a victory for our Lord. I and several of my friends fasted yesterday and prayed for the election. Prayer works. Amen.

As I sat in my friends' living room last night, surrounded by some of my closest friends, the passion and the love for Godly values and the America that represents these values was thick. The burden in my heart was confirmed for fighting for my country - for the moral uprightness of our citizens. I long to see our country come back to God. It is a heavy desire and burden in my heart to see America remember her foundations. Honestly, there is a bit of pessimism in me. I know how it ends. I know our country messes up. So I'm not necessarily expecting our country as a whole to return to Christ. But individuals...that's another story.

So, Horray for Bush, may he continue to lead our nation in strength and resolve and ultimately in God.

Bittersweet Symphony

2004-10-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's time for a moment of silence in honor of the passing of something that was very close to my heart - my home group. Last night was our last night and it was just like old times. Collin, Cassandra and I had called everyone that used to come for one last horrah and we had 25 students there, including the previous leaders, Mike Acker and Shannon Smith. We ate, we laughed, we talked, we played Mafia (in which time Mike volunteered me to be on trial even though he was the facilitator. Dirty. Everyone then voted to kill me - injustice!!I was innocent!). We closed with a bonfire and some tea. As frustrating as it was and as draining as it was at times, I loved and cherished my home group. I loved those kids, I took them all into my heart on one level or another. It feels like I'm losing a part of me, and that's tough. Collin and I got up to give our last sentiments to the group and we both got choked up. As I stood next to Collin listening to him talk about his love for the group and I looked at all my students, I felt the knot form in my stomach and the tears come to my eyes. It was truly a bittersweet symphony. I long for them to LOVE Christ, deeply and passionately. To be awed by who He is. I can only pray that my time with them has instilled that hunger at least a little bit. They will never know the energy, agony and heartache that went into that group. But God knows, and praise God nothing is ever wasted.

It helps to know my friendship with Dave and Collin will continue. I've grown to really love and appreciate both of them. We'll have more game nights of Cranium, Nertz and bowling. I'll still see my students around at church and in Poulsbo - it will perhaps be even sweeter now that I don't have a regular time I can see them.

The home group was precious to me for another reason - I know the Lord divinely had me there as much for me as for the kids. I started leading when I had just come back from college and my relationship with the Lord wasn't really firm. In fact, it wasn't really there at all. I knew I wanted to get back on track, and God knew that home group would be one of the best ways to do it. Josh Graham referred to it as a kick in the butt. He was right. It whipped me into shape in a hurry. I knew I couldn't lead these students unless I was living what I was preaching. I couldn't lead them to know Christ more unless I myself was knowing Christ more. I loved my students and there were times that that was the only thing that kept me seeking, kept me pushing in. God knew that. Isn't He amazing? He is so good the way He orchestrates things for the good of all involved. I look back and can only shake my head. So now I'm done, and my love and desire for Christ is much more stable and rooted. I know it will only continue to grow and deepen in this next new season. Praise God.

So here's to good times that must come to an end and a new season of God's faithfulness and presence. I don't know what new form of ministry Christ will have me take, but I wait on Him to move me. I have come to this conclusion, it was worth it. Every last minute. It was worth it.

STRIKE!! YES, and the crowd goes wild!!

2004-10-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Well, at least I did when I FINALLY bowled my first strike last night. What began as a spontaneous break from rationality - bowling at 11 p.m. in Bremerton - turned into a frustrating, disappointing, self butt-kicking event. I was there with five other awesome people: Collin Ray (my fabulous eternal co), Josh Graham, Julie Love and the Rouse sisters...ALL of whom had bowled strikes. While I don't mind losing, I am a perfectionist and hate it when I can't do something at least somewhat well. After my first few horribly skewed attempts at getting the bowl to go down the alley in a straight path, I made it a personal goal of mine to get ONE strike. One. By the start of the third game, my goal had yet to be realized. I'll admit, I was getting really frustrated. I'm sure part of it was my stupid ego wanting to look "good" for the guys. Pride...yeah, we know where that takes us.

So, I lined myself up for my first bowl of the third game, utterly dejected, completely hopeless. I told myself, "Ok, I'm not going to try anymore. I'm just going to throw the dag-gummed thing and hope it makes it down straight enough to knock one pin down." I threw it and.....STRIKE!!! Oh baby, oh yeah!!! What a glorious feeling!! I was jumping and dancing and clapping all over the place, I'm sure looking completely ridiculous, but what did I care? I got my strike! Thus I was ushered into my groove. That's right, my groove. I bowled four other strikes that game, surprising myself beyond and belief and totally redeeming the night. Now, it could be said that I need to loosen up and learn to just enjoy the game whether I bowl a strike or not....but I choose to go with the thought that says if you put your mind to something hard enough and try long enough, you can get it. :) (Denial? Maybe....)

Anyway, the rest of the night was a blast. We all started at Josh/Collin/Dave Pruitte's house for a round of Nertz and Cranium. At about 11 we headed out for Bremerton. At about 1 a.m. we left the alley and I was on my way back out to Kingston to take the sisters home. I knew I was tired, but I wanted to drive by my old house. I loved seeing the fall leaves all over the place and driving down that familiar road (it's been a whole week, but still). I got out and walked around inside. It was weird to have it empty, but the house still welcomed me and embraced me with its memories. It still felt like home. But even so, I could tell I had already moved in. Time for something different, something new. I'm ready. I drove back to Poulsbo not necessarily glad to be heading back that direction, but definitely not sad, either. Just ready. It was a good feeling. I'm glad I got to visit by myself at night, I'll always remember that.

So, after that, I rolled into my garage at about 1:45 a.m. and was horizontal by 2 a.m. I was feeling kind of dreamy with the fun events of the night and saying farewell to my old house, so it took awhile to fall asleep. 6:30 a.m. came all too soon. I'm tired, but not too bad. I've got my cup of coffee with me and I've been praying hard. I will make it!! :)

Have a super day all!!

Choice

2004-10-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Of all the many wonderful gifts the Lord has granted us, I believe that the gift of choice ranks as one of the top five. He could have created us to be human robots, worshipping with no real heart. God desires a love relationship with us, and He wants that relationship to be filled with genuine worship. He does not desire worship from a heart that does so simply because it's been told that's what it is supposed to do, but from a heart that has seen the choice, counted the costs, and made the decision to live a life aimed at glorifying Him. This is the most beautiful worship, a heart that says, "I have seen what the world has to offer, and I have tasted of You. My entire being knows that You are the King and Lord and I give my life as a sacrifice of worship to You." How pure, how full of power is that heart's cry? I praise God and am filled with joy that He would desire my heart of my OWN FREE WILL. He knows that only a heart that has made a choice for itself will be strong and full of powerful dedication. Just the knowledge that my God gives me a choice fills me with a deeper desire to choose Him. He is not insecure, He does not try to control me out of fear that I will run the other way. There are consequences for not choosing Him, don't get me wrong. He is a God of justice. But He just stands there, arms open, inviting me. He knows He is enough, He knows His love is enough to convince anyone who truly sees. This allows my heart to trust and thrills my soul. What a wonderful God.

This gift of choice comes into play every day of our lives. For example, I have been struggling with a slight bout of depression since I moved. Amazing how quickly doubt of God's character and despair can set it. My resolution to trust the Lord was faltering. I was encouraged at my small group last night to choose a joyful attitude. In all honesty, I didn't appreciate hearing it. I wanted to feel sorry for myself, to dwell on it. I had a rotten night and a tough morning today as a result. Then I read a devotion in Streams in the Desert (again) that spoke about our need as a Christian to fight sadness and to set our will against it as we would against sin. Not against grieving, which is a natural response born from deep love and affection for something lost. But against despair, against the weight of sadness that can make your head feel like it weighs 200 pounds and your heart feel like it has no rythmn to its beat. This will separate us from our Lord and render us useless. I don't want that. As I read it and journaled about it, it hit me with sudden clarity. I had a choice, right then and there. I saw it as clear as if I was standing at a Y in the road. I could choose to continue to dwell on my woes and feel sorry for myself, thus allowing myself to be pulled deeper into my melancholy state and becoming a pill for all around me and missing out on what I know from experience would be a sweet time of close fellowship with my Savior. Or I could choose to honor my God, my sweet Jesus who loves me as no other. Out of my life for Him, I could choose to say no to my pity party and yes to loving HIM. What a blessed, beautiful alternative.

Oh Father, forgive me for my wretched heart that would for a second doubt your dealing with me. I am weak and look too much at the circumstance instead of at You. I pray, may these lessons shape me to be more gracious, to bend and move as You lead with joy because it is obeying You. I choose You, I choose to honor You with my attitude. To show those around me what a wonderful God you are even in the midst of my trial and sorrows. Let the praise and joy of my heart be a testimony of Your grace. I'm not there yet, but I'm taking the first step - I'm choosing You.

I pray you pray a similar prayer when faced with despair and hopelessness. Fight against it, come against it by the power of Christ who has given us all authority against spiritual darkness. Fall to the feet of our loving Father, surrender your weapons and admit your need for Him. Watch and see as He stoops down to meet His child. He will breath new confidence into your soul, He will fill your sight with Him leaving no room for anything else. He is all that is needed. His presence alone can scatter any enemy. He will rescue you, I guarantee it. Just believe.

Farewell, Adieu, Ciao, Adios...

2004-10-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Take your pick of languages, in any case the words "good bye" I think are some of the saddest on earth. I'm having to say them a lot recently. As I read others' posts, I know I am not alone. It seems to be the season for change.

We moved out of my house of 13 years this weekend. I knew it was coming and was even excited about the transition. I thought the change would help me to feel like I had moved on in life, like I wasn't back in high school. I'm closer to everything and now live on the top of a hill with a gorgeous view of the mountains as I drive down every day. And I have a fireplace. But my heart was breaking. I cried on Friday, my last night in the house. I went to bed thinking I was ok and ready for the move the next day. The day started well, and I was genuinely excited....but it hadn't really hit me. At all. I could myself shutting down and closing up while we were in the new kitchen. We had wonderful family friends helping us move, but their presence only added to the confusion and stress I was feeling. I was overwhelmed with no time to process, and I don't do well in those situations. I was trying to hold in the storm as we were driving home (I still call my old house "home," it will be awhile before I can call the new place "home"). All it took was a look from my mom, a well-timed pat and her question, "how ya' doing, honey?" I lost it.

I sat in my empty room on my bed frame and looked out my window at my scene...it was my scene. The trees with their vibrant fall colors, my big quarter-acre backyard, the neighbors (even the annoying ones with the constantly-barking dogs) all seemed like the most beautiful things to me. My heart felt like it was breaking in two. I was crying out, "God!! I can't give this up, I can't! I grew up here, I learned how to love You here. I made life-time friendships here, cried and laughed, danced and fought. Every inch of that house had sentimental value attached to it. I felt like I was losing a part of ME. I let myself cry and grieve. I sat and stared at my favorite scenes - my front porch with the huge maple tree in front, my backyard, the road down to the beach where I've had many a quiet time and many a bonfire. All these things represented deep fellowship of the truest kind that is rare these days for me. We're all older and time is taken up with other responsibilities...or we're just too plain tired.

As usual, as I sat there with tears running down my face and my aching heart crying out, I sensed the quiet of the Lord. The calm after the storm. It was enough to get up and help packing, although tears still came easily. But as I went, I know the Lord was encouraging, whispering His words of comfort and promise. That wonderful, dear whisper that I know so well, how I have come to love and cherish it. I'm not losing anything, I am moving on into another chapter that is empty now, waiting to be filled with memories that will be equally as precious to me when I look back ten years from now. And this house and all its memories will forever be a part of me, etched into the walls of my mind's photo gallery. I sensed the Lord's moving, His reassurance that this move was in His will and that He has only my good in mind. Through this move, I am learning on an even deeper level what it means to have Christ be all I need, my sole sufficiency. I am learning to trust when I sense Him tugging on those things that I cherish. It's hard for me to let go. Even though I know He knows infinitely better and only He can orchestrate the details of my life with success, it's still easy for me to believe that I know what is best. Surely living in the same house would be best? With tradition and roots established? But then where would the single dad and his two sons that are now living there go? I am grateful that the house I have loved will be a blessing to a family who needs it. It helps me to let go. I know Christ will use this to move me further on in the road He has for me. I know someday I'll look back and see how beautifully it fit in with His master plan. But at the moment, my heart aches a little and is sad a little. I have left something that was a comforting familiarity to me in a time of uncertainty. But... on Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking ground.

Another sad good-bye, this Sunday will be my last night with Oasis. We are breaking up, disbanding. That's another sharp pain in my heart. I have agonized, cried, thrilled and vented in frustration over that group. I love my students with all my heart and hate the thought that I will no longer have a dependable way to pour into their lives. But, once again, I am certain this is a step God would have. It hurts, it aches. I feel like I failed, like we rolled over and gave up. But I know the time we had was fruitful, I know it was NOT wasted and that God used that group to touch people's lives. I know that, and it's wonderful knowledge that will allow me to leave with a slightly lighter heart than might have been the case without it.

In closing (for those of you that actually finished reading this whole post, thanks for sticking with it), I knew God had me learning about trials for a reason. It seemed that every time I would pick up a devotional or read in the Word, suffering and trials were the topic. Had I not run into all these truths about the way suffering and trials sharpen and grow much-needed character, I may not be able to handle this with as much acceptance. I am just hoping that there isn't more down the road.

To all who are experiencing pain and confusion when it seems like all that you hold dear is being ripped from you, doubt not. Have faith, Christ knows you. He has you, He will NEVER let you go. He can't, it's not in His character. Trust His sovereign hand when you cannot see in front of you, rely on His character as a child trusts his father. He will never leave us nor forsake us. May you find hope and unshakable faith and the resulting peace and power as you walk with our Lord. Amen.

What if....

2004-10-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have learned not to live in the land of "what if," but I believe this question can be very profitable...for example:

What if I took the time to be still long enough to allow myself to hear the quiet whisper that is always there....

What if I allowed myself to be changed by that quiet whisper, to structure my life around what I hear?

What if I chose to follow my dreams instead of living with the status quo?

What if I chose to breakaway from the mainstream of society and follow a man with scars in his hands and feet?

These are the "what if's" that run through my head. These are the "what if's" that fill my heart with exhiliration and excitement and fear at the same time. "What if" is a powerful question. It can be used to cause anxiety or to lead our hearts deeper into relationship with our Lord.

What are your "what if's?" What are you going to do with them? What will I do with mine? I pray we listen to them. Often they are whispered by our Lord, if we will only take the time to listen. Following them is dangerous, they will change our world, they will change US, they will force us out of comfort and into new places. Oh God, open our ears to hear your Spirit calling us deeper and further into relationship with You. Calling us to new places...we hear you beckoning us, and so we wait on You. Move us...

And the Lord added to their number daily...

2004-10-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

I love this passage. It speaks to my heart and fills me with joy and longing. This is the picture of the church as it should be. Granted, we don't have a temple nowadays, but we do have homes and a church building. My small group last night focused on this passage and as I was sitting there listening to the comments of my fellow groupies, I felt the joy and the power of the Lord meet with us. I believe that last night, we truly embodied the church described in Acts. Beautiful hearts were revealed in the people that spoke as they talked of their desire to pour into those who have needs, successes and failures in responding to needs. As these things were being shared, we were practicing authenticity and mutuality, two aspects discussed as being integral in fellowship. I left soaring with joy and gratitude to God.

I had come home that day feeling sad and discouraged - placeless (the common theme among people my age it seems). I put on a favorite worship cd and just let it speak to my heart as I putzed around the house. By the time I had to leave, I had laid my burdens down at His feet. I felt a wonderful peace and rest, but still sad. I prayed a simple prayer, "Lord, I trust You and I surrender to You. But I need your encouragement today." I went to the group feeling released and ready to enjoy the company of fellow believers. Little did I know I would feel so completely warmed and embraced as the presence of the Lord met with us in the form of joy and laughter. There was one event that blessed me and humbled this girl beyond expression...

In our group, we rotate houses and leaders each week so no one gets burned out (a GREAT system, I can't believe it's not implemented more). Last night was Cory's turn, a single man who has a heart of gold. He was leading us in discussion and asked us this question, "what makes church feel like family?" After a few people shared their stories, he began telling about an experience he had during worship in 2002. There was a lady seated about three or four rows ahead of him, and she was caught up in worship with arms stretched out. He began to choke up as he said, "she looked like she was touching the face of God in that moment." The man had tears in his eyes when he said that seeing that freed him to do the same, and that's when he felt connected and touched by the Lord. He paused to regain control and looked straight at me and said, "so, thank you."....wow. That was all I could say, "wow, thank YOU." The room was quiet as he continued to cry. I felt shocked beyond belief...that the Lord would use my humble, imperfect worship of Him to touch another's life. It struck me again, people are watching and we have no idea what impacts others.

Jesus, thank You for Your grace, that You would use a soul like mine. Thank You for the joy that I feel in being surrounded by authentic believers who seek You above themselves. Create in me a heart open to all, regardless of situation or time. Your love is amazing, rescuing me and blessing me when I least expect it. Thank You for Your patience, for waiting for me to remember I need You. I love You, my Savior, my God, my Lord. Amen.

Change...

2004-10-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm in the season of change, metaphorically and literally. I love the change in the leaves and weather as discussed in my previous post. And in going to the Northwest Youth Conference, I was struck with it again. I hadn't been to a major conference like that in a couple years at least, and while some things haven't changed (ie. hype, noise, mindless screaming), I have. Honestly, it has taken a while for me to come to terms with this change in me. I no longer get a thrill out of screaming for the sake of screaming (ok, MOST of the time I don't, I still occasionally revert to teenaged hilarity - I hope I always will). I went ecstatic about worship, only to be sorely disappointed with my lack of enthusiasm. I'm starting to fit in more on Sunday mornings with the softer music and the hymns....scary. At any rate, this conference helped me to make yet another firm step into "adulthood." I don't get much out of hype, and that's ok. If I don't feel waves of amazement and goose pimples washing over me during worship, that doesn't mean it wasn't a "good" service. It's not about me anyway - thanks, Peter Blue, for reminding me.

So, the real reason I am writing today...some changes are coming in home group. In about a month, we will no longer be meeting. I spoke my frustration to Mario White, our amazing youth leader, and his response was God sent, I am sure. He understood my frustration and instead of telling me to tough it up and stick with it, he offered me an alternative that would fit "me" more...I'll be leading a group of girls. Possibly girl leaders as a coach of sorts. This fits and this excites me. I'm sad that our group will end, as I feel like the leaders, including me, just let it die. I will miss my kids, I love them with all my heart and am grateful for the opportunity I had to be with them. But, I know it's time to move into something different. Change...so necessary, and often times so hard.

I was reading Streams in the Desert (sounds like it's a popular book) and it encouraged the would-be follower to "mind the checks." Meaning, if we truly want to follow Christ's leading, we must develop a spirit that is sensitive to the quiet checks His Spirit gives us. We want to pop off at the mouth but sense the Lord checking us...we'd better listen. We want to take a course of action that seems perfectly logical, but sense His spirit guiding and pressing another direction...we'd better listen. It's hard to hear that still, quiet voice with all the "noise" of our culture. I find that a regular quiet time helps where I simply say, "Lord, guide my heart today. Help me to hear You, I surrender this day to You." I sense His calm fall on me and I feel my spirit is ready to walk this day with my God. The devotional ended with an encouragement to walk when God says to walk even if it's complete darkness, because HE will be our light. Often times He will seem to contradict Himself as He leads us in a direction seemingly different from what He put on our hearts. We are to trust, not question and not rely on our own wisdom and understanding. I have to admit, this is hard for me. There have been many tests where I sensed the Lord leading me to do something that made no sense to me and even beyond that, I simply didn't want to do it. I'd like to say most of those times I passed. In all reality and honesty, I failed. There was one time I heeded the Lord (not without some arguing and digging in of the heels), and the peace and joy I felt made it worth it. I had obeyed my Lord. So, let us be encouraged to follow our Lord in seasons of change even when it makes no sense and we can't see our way at all. He knows, He is faithful and He will provide.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Good morning, World!

2004-10-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

It is Friday morning, 7:58 a.m., and I am sitting at my desk at work. It's a gorgeous crisp, sunny morning and I am feeling open and friendly with the world. This weekend promises to be a good one. I am heading to the Northwest Youth Conference today (I get to leave work early, yet another bonus) in Kirkland. It's a huge event drawing thousands of youth from all over Washington to gather in Overlake Christian Church (collossal) for worship, great sermons, drama and tons of fun. I had a blast each time I went when I was a youth at my church. Now, going as a leader, I'm just as excited. There's something about being in the same building with a thousand Christians....powerful!

Last night I was able to sneak away from the house and spend about half an hour at the beach by our house. There is this giant tree right on the water, and it's gorgeous this time of year. The leaves are all turning and there is beginning to be a thick blanket of crunchy red, yellow and orange leaves at its base. The sun was down enough to leave most of my area in shadow, but still up enough to turn the water gold and to provide a warm backdrop for the birds soaring in the sky. Something about nature always fills my heart with joy and I feel like I should be able to join those birds in the air and twirl and corkscrew through the sky in worship to the One who created it all. Hopefully someday I will. As I was sitting there, just soaking all this in, I was seeing parallels between the way God works in our lives and His creation. The trees, when first sprouted, are fragile, tender and young. Their bark has not yet formed and their leaves are small and soft. Yet, they are flexible, bendable. Easily swaying with the wind, and easily conquered by it without shelter. So are we as new Christians. Our faith is fragile, tender. Our spirits have not yet learned how to carry that shield of faith to protect our hearts, and we are easily affected by the winds of the world and the enemy, sometimes even uprooted. And just as a young, uprooted tree may have a tender gardener to replant it and tuck the rich earth back around its roots, so we have a tender Father who picks us up and re-establishes us. He brushes off the dirt, kisses the places where it hurts, hugs us and comforts us.

The young tree grows into a mighty monarch, like the tree at the beach. Their trunks are thick and strong, the bark solid and protective. It can withstand strong winds, though it may lose leaves and branches in a wild storm. They often live through wildfires that may come raging through, charring the outside of the tree, but leaving the core, the heart, untouched. As we grow and learn to pick up God's armor, to carry His word close to our hearts and to depend on His spirit for guidance and wisdom, we become strong. Unshakable in our faith, unmovable in our conviction. When storms come to blow us down, we learn how to bow and bend under the wind and stay sheltered in our Lord's shadow. Each storm leaves us stronger, although we may have lost some "leaves" and "limbs" in the process.

And just as the great monarchs of the forest go through an annual process of dieing, dropping their leaves and entering a season of "death," so we too are called to die and lay down our treasures, our pride and our plans. And what a glorious thing it is when Spring arrives!! New life bursts forth with triumph and glory.

Sorry that was so long, I got rather carried away. :) I feel like right now, I am being blown about a bit. It's not a hurricane, it's more like a slight gale. Even as I was sitting at the beach reveling in the beauty all around me and reading the bible, there is this doubting voice that creeps in, "are you certain all this is true?" "Would you really connect with Jesus if He were to be in front of you?" "Is this what you want to give your life to? What you want to die for?" "Look at the comfort your family and friends give you. They are real, tangible. Jesus isn't - you can't touch Him, you can't feel Him or hear Him." Unfortunately, I am not feeling so strong. These questions pierce at my heart like arrows and make my conviction wobbly. Satan likes to hit this area - is Jesus really enough? Sometimes, as I talk about Jesus or pray to Jesus, I can't help but wonder, do I really know who I'm talking to? He can feel so distant and like a stranger almost. I'm quite at a loss as to how this can be since I have been a Christian for 18 years now. But, I at the same time sense a strength fill me, and a fighting spirit rising up in me. I know what is true, I know what I have experienced in my room by myself when I sensed the comfort and power of Christ meet with me. I know Him. Not at all completely and I never will, but I know Him in my own little world. I can tell you who He has been to me and what He has done for me. The times He has freed me and delivered me. I know Him enough to make me hopelessly in love with Him and desperate for His presence. That is enough and it carries me through. And when this little storm has passed, I'll be that much stronger. Praise God forever and ever, His love endures forever and He is the deliverer of our souls! Amen.

In the Secret

2004-09-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

"It has been said that no great work of literature or science has ever been produced by someone who did not love solitude. It is also a fundamental principle of faith that no tremendous growth in holiness has ever beena chieved by anyone who has not taken the time frequently, and for long periods, to be alone with God." - Streams in the Desert, September 29

I read this today while in one of my traditional places of escape from work - the women's bathroom. It struck me with sudden clarity and I feel like I have choice to make. I want to write, I dream of publishing a great work of literature and I long to grow in Christ and to learn more about Him. I love solitude and whenever I manage to have some extensive alone time where I am focused on God, I feel joy and excitement flooding me...I know I will have a real encounter with my Jesus. These times are when I am happiest, there is no joy on earth that rivals it. So why do I find it so hard to make these times a regular occurence? Why do I constantly settle for less fulfilling activities that will only leave me empty when it's over? Even things that are worthwhile and blessings from the Lord - time with family, friends, reading a good book - even these will not satisfy the deep hunger I have for intimate encounters with the Lord. He is my creator, my sustainer, my reason for living. The spirit is willing, but boy is the flesh weak.

Tonight is a prime example. I have plans to hang out with my co-leaders a couple of my students. We are going to watch a movie. It's been a busy week and I haven't had the quality time with God my spirit is crying out for. Tomorrow will be my only night home before I head off to a youth conference. That will be a wonderful experience - but not the intimate time I have when I'm at the beach by myself. So what do I do? Cancel and have a relaxing evening at home and spend the quality time with God...or go and bank on tomorrow being the time I need. There's a catch, the girls that are going do not have a car and I am their ride. Without me going, they most likely cannot go and they are so excited to hang out with the leaders of their group. I don't like the idea of disappointing them. Should be a simple decision but it never is.

To complicate things, I have these nagging fears that if I really do intentionally set aside time for God (I'm talking real time, time enough to let Him remake me, examine me, teach me) then I will be alone. Spending so much time with God will mean that I fall of the face of the planet socially. There is a scale: on one side, time with God. On the other: social time. The way I've been trying to get the scale to balance isn't working. Too much on the social side, not enough on the God side. The ratio isn't 1:1, it's not 1:2. It's more like 10:1. The more time I have with God, I know the more I am satisified and happy - truly fulfilled. The more time I spend with people, the more discontent I am. The burden of society's expectations begin to weigh on me and I feel like I have to scurry to meet them. It's draining and soon the social time is nothing but a burden and my spirit is longing to break free.

I know I am not the only who struggles with this, we live in a fast-paced society that demands quick wit, ambition, independence and a flair of rebellion to make you authentic. Whatever happened to waiting on God and looking to HIM for our identity, for what is "cool?" While I know I shouldn't listen to the demands of society, I find that I do. I want to be accepted, I want to be seen as the independent, intelligent business woman. But I NEED the Lord.

So, on goes the struggle between "doing" and "being." Here's to "being," may you allow your spirit to quiet before our Maker, to be remade and renewed. Amen.

"Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:1

Sunny Mondays

2004-09-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here I am again, sitting at my work desk at 3 p.m. and wishing the clock was an hour ahead...that last hour can seem like an eternity on a nice, sunny Monday afternoon. I haven't quite gotten into the swing of things at work and my mind is still floating on the freedom of thinking about whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My mind needs time to wander, I don't get that at work.

I wonder, am I the only Christian who sits at her desk 8 hours a day and at times can sense her spirit just being suffocated and squelched? As a Christian, my mind and heart want to think about my God and to be in relationship with Him. To talk with Him, hear Him talk to me, let His presence wash over me, changing me, renewing me. I can't do that with people asking me to do things for them (which most of the time I'm more than happy to do...most of the time), 10,000 details flying at my face and answering phones...at times I leave work drained and have hardly any energy to even focus on God, much less making sure my bag lands where it's supposed to as I flop my way into my room. I know this is not what I am made for, it's not where I'm alive. Right now I'm in the place it's best to be in, a place of waiting. But I need reminders often or I tend to get frustrated and want to take matters into my own hands.

I believe God actually brought me here for that purpose - among others - to teach me to wait. To be still and know that He is God and has a plan for my life. I'm learning to trust in that, to really believe it. The joy and rest there is in that knowledge is wonderful. I read a poem in "Streams in the Desert," a wonderful devotional. It goes like this:

"When I cannot understand my Father's leading,
And it seems but hard and cruel fate,
Still I hear that gentle whisper ever pleading,
God is working, God is faithful, ONLY WAIT." George Matheson

I like the gentle whisper ever pleading...God is so gentle, so patient, and longs for me to trust Him. To remember that He loves me with a love unfailing, a love that put the stars, the mountains, the trees, birds, fields, oceans...all of nature around me to encourage me when I am feeling down. This is the God that has me and won't let go of me. I struggle, but there are times, like now, that I trust and rest. It's a beautiful place.

My home group is dwindling and I'm afraid it's even dieing. We had one student show up last night - it was a hard night for me. Interest was at an all-time low and we ended up splitting into groups and virtually disintegrating from there. It's hard for me. I'm ok if God has other plans and wants the group to stop. He knows best. But I'm not ok with the group simply dieing because we as leaders were not doing our job. That's what I'm not ok with and that's what I'm afraid of. So, yet another level of trusting God. He will guide and bring peace...unfortunately it's never quite in the timing that I want.

Ok, that's my post for now. It's been awhile so I figured it was time. It's gorgeous outside and I get to go out in it in 40 minutes!!! Praise God for sun and 4 p.m. Monday through Friday...glorious times.

Indecision and Cops

2004-08-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

Weird title, I know. But the story is even zanier...

So, it's 9:30. I had decided not to go to my friend's house to hang out and went home. After I got home, I decide, "why yes, I do want to hang out." So off come the p.j.'s and on go the pants and sweater. I am driving towards Kingston with quite a lot on my mind at 10 p.m. - mistake number one. Because I have a lot on my mind, I am not paying attention to my driving - BIG misake numero dos. I'm speeding, 70 in a 50 mph zone, to be precise. Yup, you got it. The major king of all mistakes. I don't notice the lights flashing in my rear-view mirror at first, but of course panic and immediately pull over the second I do. You know the rest...police walks up with stern expression and questions me on my speed. Already emotional and guilt-ridden 22-year-old admits speed and that she knows the posted speed limit. Cop administers another said stern look and requests license, registration and proof of insurance. 10:15 p.m. Girl is forced to endure at LEAST take 10 minutes of brights blaring into her car (girl adjusts side mirror so her pupils are not annihilated with high-beam lights blaring into her face) while he pulls up her information. Once returned, the friendly neighborhood law enforcer (he actually WAS nice) returns my papers, reminds me to sign the registration (stupid Stephanie, stupid) and cuts me a break by writing my ticket for only 10 miles over. This act of kindness nails the nerve that I was keeping in check and I barely hold back the outburst of tears until he left to go back to his car. The cloudburst left almost as quick as it came and I called my good friend Julie Love to help calm me down. She talked with me the whole ride home, giving me sound, Godly advice and encouraging me to spend time with God when I got home. Thanks Jewls, you're a treasure for sure. You were one of the blessings I wrote down in my journal. :) By the time I was home, at 10:40 p.m., I hadn't gone to my friend's house, I had a ticket, my insurance was for sure jacked up and my emotions are somewhat stabilized. All in all, rather a wasted night.

I did see Spiderman II with a couple friends. Good movie. A little weird and twisted at parts, but good. I like the idea of choice they have in there. Peter Parker comes to a crucial moment of choice that I think can be related to the Christian walk. Once we make the choice to follow Christ and it is OUR choice, there is power and determination in that choice. I recommend it. I might be the only nerd that drew spiritual parallels from the movie, but it's worth it anyway. Good night and here's to a good night's sleep and waking up to a new day. Praise God and Amen.